A Moment of Fame

Let's talk for a moment, or rather you listen while I talk, about my five minutes of LDS fame.

Back at the end of January I got wind from our ward choir director that the church was looking for volunteers to be in the Women's Conference Choir.  I thought it sounded really fun so I sent in my application.  They were upfront about the fact that they were mainly choosing families as this would be the first Women's Conference where girls from the ages 8 and up were invited.  I didn't think I had much of a chance, but at the same time I knew if I made it, it would be an amazing well needed experience.

A few weeks after my submission, I received an email congratulating me for making the choir.  I was thrilled.  To say I needed a spiritual boost would be a huge understatement.  I was drained and exhausted.  On the application they asked what I wanted to get out of the experience spiritually.  I wrote that I needed to bring the spirit to my home with me and that I wanted to be a better mom.  Now, I'm not saying our home was in terrible shape spiritually or anything, or that I was questioning my beliefs, it's just like I said.  I was feeling weighed down by life.  I needed to feel that I was loved from my Heavenly Father.

At our first rehearsal I learned just how lucky I was.  There were over 20,000 applicants for this 360ish person choir.  They said they ran out of time to read each individual application so they eventually just prayed that they were grabbing the papers of the women that were meant to be there.  I truly felt I NEEDED to be there.  It wasn't that I was an amazing singer or deserved it any more than anyone else, I just needed it.  Out of thousands, I was picked.  Little old normal me.  A tender mercy I was shown to know that I was loved and that He knows me personally.

At each of the practices we had the opportunity to hear from one of the women in the general presidencies. It was so special.  I learned so much from them and our awesome director.  The spirit was strong during every meeting.  Even the lady in charge of making sure we were wearing the right clothing was such a great example to me.  I realized I had work to do personally.  I wanted to be more like these women.  I wanted my relationship with Gregg to be stronger and more spiritually based.  I wanted our home to be a home of comfort and peace.  Not always easy with a special needs child with behavior issues.

My favorite song was "Daughters in His Kingdom."  The Primary, Young Women, and Relief Society all had their own parts.  I cried every time the primary started singing.  It was the sweetest thing.  During dress rehearsal the director had us sing it while looking around at all of the other women.  There was hardly a dry eye in the choir.

My favorite line of the song is when the Relief Society sing "Faithful and courageous, I choose to do my part."  It hit home to me.  I am choosing to not only survive raising a special needs child, but I am choosing to do my best.  I could give up at any point, but I continue to fight for her.  I would be lying if I said I didn't have moments of complete despair and disappointment in myself, but I CHOOSE to grow and learn.  I won't give up.

Here's the video of the song.  So good!

I took this photo at dress rehearsal the week before the conference.  Isn't the conference center beautiful?

The outfits we were asked to wear were um....not so much my style and I made a huge mistake going with orange.  Orange is not my color.  I had a few clothing malfunctions if we're being honest here, which I think we are.  My skirt did not want to stay up.  Once during dress rehearsal I looked down to see my skirt almost to my knees.  Um...embarrassing much?  Then I was so worried it would happen again, that I hiked it up so high that it gave me a big belly.  Oh I forgot we're being honest.  It showed my belly.  The belly I usually try to hide. Argg...I also didn't take into account that the fabric I chose showed sweat marks like crazy.  I'm usually not a sweater, but I was that night.  Just what I wanted for something that was shown world wide.  Good thing I'm not a public figure ya'll.

My mom, sister in law, and two of my nieces came down to attend.  I'm so glad they were there.  It made it much more special.

My niece and me.

My mom and me.

My SIL and other niece.  Oh and a big orange giant.

The General Presidency addressing us before the performance.  They were so sweet.

Who's that jaw dropper?  I took things very seriously.

This song apparently caused me pain.  Lol!  The faces of singing are awesome.

After the conference.

I have always heard stories of being in the presence of a prophet and how amazing it is.  The stories are true!  When President Monson walked in the room the whole building went silent.  I immediately felt like someone was pushing on my heart.  The spirit was so very, VERY strong.  All I could squeak out after was, "wow!"  He is a man of God.  I know this for a fact.   I also know we are all loved so much by our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  They know us.  They know of our needs.  They know what trials we need in order to become like them.  We are not left helpless though.  There is always a way to come unto Christ.

Mary's Lullaby

As I mentioned before, this Christmas season has been tame.  Having a very sick baby has given me a lot of cuddle time which means I've had a lot of time to think.  I've dreamed of having a baby boy since before I knew of our infertility.  To actually have this said baby in my arms is surreal.  

While I was holding Corbin during singing time in Primary the chorister pointed out to the kids that Gregg and I were like Mary and Joseph. Joseph was not Christ's biological father, but he was given the responsibility to raise him.  Someone also chose us to be Corbin's parents and has put a lot of faith in us.  

For the first time ever I have really reflected about Mary's feelings upon meeting her baby boy that sacred humble night.  Unlike Mary, my son will not redeem the world, but LIKE Mary I worry about the trials my small babe will endure in the future.  I know he will only be little for a short time and soon enough the world will be against him.  Will I be able to protect him?  

Eventually, he will be his own person.  I hope he will have a desire to marry and have children.  I hope I can teach him to be a good husband and father.  I hope he will know what the spirit feels like and will follow Heavenly Father's plan for him.  

I have many hopes and dreams for his life on this Earth.  Right now though, he is mine.  He is a perfect child of God.

We sang the most beautiful song in my church choir for our Christmas meeting.  I'm thankful for Mary and her willingness to raise our Lord and Redeemer.  I'm thankful for Christ who died for my children.  I wish you all a very beautiful Christmas.  One where you can reflect on the miraculous event that saved us all. 





Mary's Lullaby

All mine in your loveliness baby, all mine. 
All mine in your holiness baby divine. 
Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime; 
Sing on and adore, for tonight you are mine. 

The wise men are coming to worship their King, 
The shepherds are kneeling their homage to bring. 
Out yonder the star over Judah will keep. 
No harm will befall thee, then sleep baby sleep. 

O let me enfold thee, my baby tonight, 
While legions are singing in joyous delight. 
A new star has risen to hail thee divine, 
For you are a king, but tonight you are mine. 

Away spectered future of sorrow and plight, 
Away to the years that must follow tonight. 
The pangs of Gethsemane, let them be dim, 
The red drops on Calvary, not Lord, for Him! 

O let me enfold thee, my baby tonight, 
While legions are singing in joyous delight. 
A new star has risen to hail thee divine, 
For you are a king, but tonight you are mine. 

All mine in your loveliness baby, all mine.
All mine in your holiness baby divine.
Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime; 
Sing on and adore, for tonight you are mine.

Healed

My beautiful cousin Sharee just moved back to the states from living in Argentina for a few years with her husband and kids.  She taught Relief Society in her branch and asked if I would share my feelings for her last lesson. (Yes, she learned Spanish while there. She's amazing.) 

Her question:

How has God guided and strengthened you as your desire to have children is not yet fulfilled?

We have two women in our branch that are going through this very trial, and it has been heartbreaking for them.  The lesson is, "I Seek Not My Own Will, but the Will of the Father."

My answer: 
*I wrote this in about 15 minutes and copied and pasted it directly from the email so please excuse any typing flaws.

Healing came slow, but eventually after years of trying to get pregnant and all the yuck that comes with that, I felt the need to change my prayers from “help us get pregnant”, to “Heavenly Father I am ready for your will not mine so what do we need to do?”  Before that I had shrugged adoption off thinking it was way beyond my capabilities emotionally and financially.  But shortly after I changed my prayers, adoption kept popping up everywhere I went and with everyone I talked to.  My heart slowly softened to the thought and Gregg and I eventually became ready to pray and fast to see if adoption was the right path to choose. 

Until then I can say there was a lot of confusion.  In all honesty I felt as if Gregg and I had been forgotten.  I felt that my prayers had not been heard and maybe I was unworthy of what I was asking for.  I can see now, that during that time it was the Lord helping me morn a loss.  Meaning, I needed to morn a child that would never be and forgive my body for not being able to bear children.  I needed that time.  Not only to morn, but to grow and become a better wife and have a strong relationship with my husband.  I know even now that I needed that time for things I still don't quite see, but that the Lord does.  It is said in the adoption world that if you do not go through the grieving of what could have been, that you are not ready for the next step of what can be.  It was a hard time for me, but I don’t ache for it anymore. 

Our answer to adopt came when we were ready to hear it.  The Lord had softened us and prepared us.  One fast Sunday we fasted that we would receive and answer to see if adoption was right for us.  I remember after our couple prayer, I went into our bedroom and gave a silent prayer “humbly” begging to have a clear answer. 

Well wouldn't you know that there was a baby blessing of twins that day.  I hated baby blessings and had a hard time sitting through them.  The twins were grandbabies of some people in our ward whose daughter was not active.  This daughter stood up to talk over the pulpit which was a surprise being she wasn't a fan of the church at that time.  She then told how her twin boys were adopted and that she was also adopted.  She shared her feelings of adoption and how it has been an immense blessing in her life.  Gregg and I both felt the spirit very strong and knew she said those things for us.  You see, our prayers are usually answered through someone else.  If that wasn't confirmation enough her mom and dad also stood and bore their testimonies of the blessing of adoption.  It was as if the spirit was screaming at us that adoption was right. 

After that experience every time I prayed about adoption I felt the strong burning that we were on the right path.  We were not forgotten after all! 

Fast forward to the day that we took our little girl to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity.  They let Gregg and I spend some time in the Celestial Room before the sealing.  At one point we were all alone in the huge Salt Lake City Temple Celestial Room.  To say the spirit was strong is an understatement.  I feel it as I write this.  I had a strong thought come into my mind saying “Lacey, this was your plan all along.  Isn't it wonderful?” 

My plan was better than anything I could have imagined for myself.  I KNEW that our savior cried with me, and hurt as I did all those years before.  The atonement is real and not just to wrong our sins.  HE felt our pain and knows exactly how we feel. 

The joy I felt that day was beyond that of any other day. My testimony grew a millions times bigger and when I feel my faith dwindling I often think of that day and how I knew with a surety the I have a plan and Heavenly Father knows me and loves me.  It has helped in times since when things have not gone my way to know that there is something I need to learn and when it’s all said and done I will be a better person because of it.  I trust in Him so much more.  (though I still have why me days.)

The ache of not bearing children is now a memory.  Sure, I have moments here and there, but I can chat with pregnant girls about their growing bellies and not even feel a sting.  Gregg and I both believe families come in many different ways and they come when they are meant to come.  Because I gave up my own will and truly wanted to know His will, my life here on Earth has been more beautiful and rewarding than I could have ever imagined.  I learned I am a lot stronger than I thought and that I can do hard things. 

Safe Keeping

My daughter is a runner and I don't mean marathons.  Although it feels like I've ran one most days.   I'm constantly chasing her.  If Emme has a goal in mind there is nothing to stop her. She's gone.  She impulsive and unpredictable.

I talked to her therapist about this and one of the things she suggested was to drill into Emme over and over that we can't keep her safe if she's not near us.  She said it would take a while, maybe years, before she could understand danger so it's important to say it over and over.  So this week that's what I've done. 

Running away to grab marshmallows at the store. "I can't keep you safe if you're not next to me."  

Running away at Scheels to hide in the clothes. "I can't keep you safe if your not near me."

Running down the street instead of walking to the car. "I can't keep you safe if your not next to me."  

You get the point. 

Today at church we had the intermediate hymn Choose The Right. We all stood to sing while Emme danced in front of everyone (we were late and the only spot left was in the front).  Then I heard the words, "choose the right, there's safety for the soul."  I immediately thought, "I can't keep you safe if your not near me."  What can I say?  Safety is on the brain. 

It stung me to the core. 

Just like I worry about Emme our Heavenly Father worries about us. 

He can only keep us safe if we stay close to him. 

It made me think of the overpowering love our Heavenly Father has for us.  It made me think of what I could be doing better. It made me sad to think of others close to me that have left the safe keeping of our Lord.  

  

It made me think.  

With the big events coming this Fall I feel like a little child that needs the comfort and strength of her parents telling her it's going to be okay. It was a good reminder for me today that if I stay close to my Heavenly Father, He will watch out for me no matter what the future holds.