Birthmom Q&A

This post is long overdue.  I've had it waiting patiently for a few months now.  My cousin who is a birthmom shared her story here.  She was kind enough to go the extra mile and answer some questions for me.  Enjoy!



You talk about adoption being very closed when you placed.  Did you receive any letters or pictures?  My adoption was "closed".  What that meant back then, was that the only thing I knew about the couple was their names.  I did not know where they live, last name or anything.  I received pictures the first year once a month and once a year until she turned three.  They did a fantastic job.  I can't imagine developing pictures and getting them to the services (adoption agency) to get sent to me.  Oh, and the services had to review everything to make sure that there was no personal info being sent. 

Have you had any contact since? The only contact I have had since the 3 year mark was when my friend, the one who chose my family to be her family, had her baby.  Doug and Heidi were at the hospital when I showed up...what are the odds?  :)  The adoption process was starting to become more open at this point. 

Open adoptions are quite common now.  What are your feelings towards having a relationship with your daughter one day?  I have always been okay with the closed adoption, maybe because I am so much of a 'it is what it is,' kind of a person.  I didn't know any different.  I believe Sierra will find me one day, it does excite me, yet I get nervous too because I don't know what to expect.  I hope she doesn't have negative feelings towards me and that I don't disappoint her when she chooses to meet me.  Adoption is such a positive thing to me I just hope she feels the same.

If you could say something to your daughter right now what would it be? If I could say anything to Sierra I think it would be...I hope you know how much you are loved, not only by me, but my whole family.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I really truly know that I did the right thing for you, for me, and for your parents.  (I know it doesn't sound that profound, but I mean every word.)

When did you feel your heart had finally healed after placing your baby?  I am not really sure how long it took for my heart to heal, but I do know that by the time my three years of pictures and letters were over I was good.  I guess you could relate it to how people heal when they lose a loved one.  Time does heal and life keeps going.  I kept busy, had a full time job 2 weeks after I placed, met my husband 6 months later, married 11 months after placement.  I really believe that my husband came at the right time and I had a new focus. I was really sad when the three years were up and every year I have my moments near her birthday.  I wonder what she looks like, what she likes to do, if she is hanging out with good friends, does she get good grades and all of those things. 

You told me once that it was very lonely during your pregnancy and that your journal was your best friend.  What was life like with your boyfriend, friends, and family after placement? Yes, I was lonely during my pregnancy.  It seemed like my parents tried so hard to keep me away from my boyfriend, he didn't like them any more then they liked him; I was really torn and had my own feelings.  My boyfriend didn't even want to hang out with me, he thought it was ok to go out with other girls and his friends.  His life didn't stop.  So after the placement, I found myself somewhat separating with my boyfriend, yet, I still didn't really have friends so I still hung out with him.  I had a hard time with the concept that we placed a baby yet now he wanted me more than he did when I was pregnant.  My parents were great, they kept me busy so I wouldn't sit around and get depressed.  Over time I became myself again and my relationship with my parents and sisters was the same as it had been.  Eventually I got rid of my boyfriend.  I was ready to move forward.

What would you say to expectant mother that is considering placing? I have actually helped out the LDS social services a lot so I have been able to help girls that are expecting and considering adoption.  I have met some that knew they would place from the moment they found out, some that go back and forth on the idea so I think a consistent message I have always sent would be to make sure you are committed to placing because no matter how much you prepare it is not easy when you deliver your baby.  If I had not been committed I would not have gone through with it.  I'm not sure many would.  You have to know what you are doing is the right thing for your baby.  Keep busy after you place, don't allow yourself to be home and alone and have time to let your mind wander.  Move on and always remember why you placed so on those really hard days they won't be worse than they already are.  And there will be some really hard days in the beginning.  They do get better, as we all know, time heals.

Have you ever regretted your decision? I really truly have never regretted my decision to place.  I really believe that I was meant to bring Sierra here to Doug and Heidi.  I was the answer to their prayers and I get so spiritually overwhelmed when I think of my experience because I am not sure I can express how much I know I wasn't meant to raise Sierra, even though I wanted to. 

If you could go back in time, what would you tell your 17 year old self?  If I could go back in time I would tell my 17 year old self....you aren't the only one going through the adoption process, your not the only one who feels pain...your not the only one.  It took me a few years after to realize how selfish and ignorant I was towards my mom, dad and sisters (and maybe more).  I wasn't very nice to my family, even though I know at the time I felt alone and confused I feel really bad that I never once asked how anyone else felt about my decision, I never even thought to.  I'm not even sure I have apologize to my family to this day.  I know they miss her too, I know they wonder all the same things I do about how she looks and what she likes to do, all of those things. 

Do you have any advice for couples hoping to adopt?  I hope everyone wanting to adopt gets to.  I have seen so many wait for so long and not only do they get to adopt they find out they are pregnant.  :)  Heavenly father does work in mysterious ways, so try to be patient because your gain is someone else's loss. 

Corbin's Story:: Placement Day

Gregg and I arrived at the hospital early in the afternoon and spent the whole day with M and K.  I will always cherish our time together that day.  We laughed, took walks together, ate lunch from Arby's, and just plain got to know each other better.  

We wanted to make sure M and K had as much time in the hospital with Corbin and never wanted to overstep our boundaries.  I mentioned this to M a few times and her reply was, "I love you guys and love when you are here."  We are so lucky.

Since M had Corbin C-section, they stayed in the hospital longer than usual.  They really wanted M to stay one more night, but she was done with hospitals and convinced her Doctor to let her go home  a night early.  The first thing she told us that day was, "we all get to go home tonight!"

M's caseworker came to have everyone sign papers so Corbin could be released to Gregg and I.  I'll never forget his face when he entered the hospital room and saw how comfortable we all were with each other. I was playing angry birds with K (M's son), while M had gone for a walk and Gregg and K (Corbin's birth dad) had gone to get something out of the car together.  It was a look of, "this is not something I see very often."  If you didn't know our story you would have guessed we were all close family.  Which is exactly how we like it.  He later mentioned how lucky we were to have M and how our situation was very rare for a placement day.  We agreed.  She is so good to us as is her family.  We are so blessed to have them in our lives.  

After everyone else had left and M and K had their "fancy" hospital dinner, the nurses started discharging us.  It was such a different experience from Emme's placement day.  We have all come so far since then.  There is a trust between us now that was only a hope when Emme was born.  We only knew each other for two weeks back then and now we have three years under our belt.  This time around our goodbyes were thankful and tearful, but very calm and relaxed.  Gregg expressed his love to them and we all got emotional.  M told us how much she loved us and was so happy she could add to our family.  She said watching Emme with Corbin made everything worth it.  We hugged, shared another laugh and M and K left while we waited for a nurse to become available to escort us out.  It was beautiful and peaceful. We will forever be grateful to our children's families.  We truly love them so much. 

Corbin waiting to leave the hospital.

Corbin's Story::The Second Day

Corbin's second day of life was filled with lots of visitors.  It was a very memorable day because we were able to have all four siblings together.  It was crazy having us all crammed in a little hospital room, but we loved it.  

Gregg taking a turn feeding Corbin.

Corbin getting snuggles from his big brother.

Love from K's mom.

M was adopted and this is her biological sister.  Her boys look so much like Emme.  We love it.

So fun to watch these three together.  Emme and her sister B are only a year apart.  In true toddlerhood, Emme had just stolen her baby and was about to poke her in the eye.  

M with all of her children.  K and Emme are so much alike.  They were not keen on picture taking.

Papa (M's dad) with Corbin.

I love this picture of Emme saying goodbye to M's mom.

Gregg captured this photo without me knowing. I will forever cherish it!

Guest Post:: A Birth Mom's Story

I am elated to share with you this beautiful story.  Whenever I hear a birth mom talk about her experiences it makes me cry.  I think it's because EVERY one I hear always includes the word PEACE.  You know that our Heavenly Father is with them through this courageous act of selflessness and love.  

This account is even more special to me as it is my gorgeous cousin's story.  Two months after Emme was born we cried together in her father's hallway.  When you've been a part of something so sacred and so miraculous, you share a bond.  I can't even put it into words.  I have always had a soft place in my heart for birth moms because of her and her great example of what a real mom's love is.

 I love you, Linz!  Thank you for sharing!

So once again...grab a tissue.  You'll need it.

I was 17 and a senior in high school when I found out that I was pregnant.  I wasn't a "bad girl" I just made a mistake and it changed everything.  Naturally my parents were not happy and even tried to ground me from my boyfriend which only resulted into me sneaking around and late night phone calls, I even used a pay phone (does anyone even know what those are anymore?)  I had the mentality that I was already pregnant what more trouble could I get in to? 

I was set on keeping my baby when I found out I was pregnant, actually, in my mind there really wasn't even another option it was just what was supposed to happen, right?  It's kind of ironic really because I had done an essay on adoption only a couple months before and of course all of the books I read to do the paper had nothing good to say about adoption, so It just really wasn't a thought.

 I remember the day my mom mentioned that I should maybe consider adoption.  My heart broke hearing the words from my mom.  I now know that it wasn't an easy thing for her to bring up to me either; I know that she must have felt at peace with it or wouldn't have mentioned it at all.  I was mad at her, however, the idea started to pop in my head...a lot.  I became really confused because I REALLY wanted my baby.  I loved her and wanted to be a mom, I was mentally preparing to be a mom and thinking of all of the things I needed to do.  Yet every time I thought of adoption I felt somehow ok and that kind of annoyed me.  Every one kept saying, "you need to pray about it"  that bugged me too, cause I wasn't really in to church or praying; I wasn't really in a good spot spiritually I guess you could say.  I did pray, not really like I should have because at this time deep deep in side I already knew my answer...I just didn't want adoption to be my answer, I didn't want to feel ok about adoption being my answer.  One thing about me is that once I make a decision I stick to it; I officially came to terms of placing my baby in late July.  I was at peace with my decision but it did not take away my heartache.  

Now I begin a on a different journey of my pregnancy and choosing a family.  My boyfriend and I sat down with the counselor from the LDS social services and rattled off what we wanted the parents of our baby to be like.  I literally remember saying "I don't want her to have mom hair"  :) I did want our baby to be the couples first baby, as it would be mine, I wanted the mom to be into scrapbooking, (at the time I was into it), we wanted a country couple, (somehow we thought people that live in country were nicer:)  So after all of this and some researching for our counselor we were narrowed down to 5 couples.  I don't even remember what the other couples were like because I was immediately drawn to my couple.  It is really the strangest thing to explain how drawn I was to the couple.  (FYI, footprints in the sand is my favorite poem because it is the closest I can describe how I went through my adoption process).  Doug and Heidi were the couples name and they began to write me the moment they found out that we chose them to be parents.  They would express how excited they were and wanted to know how I felt and what I was doing and really just anything and everything. 

Here is some of the journaling I wrote:

Oct 26, 1998

I got another letter from Heidi and Doug.  They are so excited, the letters made me cry.  Last night when I laid down to sleep I just started crying cause I was getting contractions and it just made me think how close I actually am to having my baby.  I'm going to have the most precious baby girl in the world and I'm giving her to a couple who will love her as much as me.  But it hurts so bad.  I called my mom and cried to her.  She worried about me all day.  Then I saw a lady I knew today and she asked when I was due, I told her, then I told her I was placing her for adoption and she said why don't you want her.  How rude, huh?  I had just got done crying too.  People think it's so bad but they don't see.

Oct 31, 1998

I'm so depressed right now.  I am so fat, uncomfortable and ugly.  The clothes I wear are so annoying I can hardly breathe.  I get pains every where possible and I wish I could just be skinny.  But  I ruined that.  I hate the thought of giving my little baby to someone else.  I should be taking care of her this going to be so hard.  I have no idea how I am going to it.  I wish I hadn't already committed to my decision.  I'm so sick of people asking me when I'm due and saying "well call me when you go into labor".  ok..I'll just have them announce it over the news so who ever wants to come can.  I don't want anyone to hold her, only me.  She's mine and I want her.  I hate how everything changes, I have all these stupid stretch marks, chunks of fat on my thighs.  Then after I have her ill have more on my stomach.  Then with my luck I'll never lose weight.  So I'll never get to wear my own clothes.  Am I going to be miserable for the rest of my life?  If sure the heck seems like it. 

The time came to finally have my baby.  As miserable as I felt being 9 months pregnant, I was really sad to go into labor because I knew I would soon have to say goodbye to my baby.  I can't describe how right I knew this all was, yet the heartache was so much and so hard and I knew I had many more hard days ahead of me.  I went into labor on November 2, 1999, only 2 days before my due date.  I had a very easy delivery and was blessed to have my mom there.  I had my little girl, who I named Jacobi, at 4:22pm.  At the time the adoption was so closed that I had to have a name I choose for her that we would use with letters being written.  I later found out they named her Sierra.  I stayed up all night with her and didn't let her go, unless it was for my mom, dad or sister to hold.  I just stared at her, wishing I could take her home.  I knew I legally could...but I couldn't.

Nov 3, 1998  (my actual journal the moment I got home from placing her)

Yesterday I gave birth to the most precious beautiful little girl, Jacobi.  She is so adorable.  She was born at 4:22 pm, 7 lbs 4 ounces and 19 inches long.  She is so wonderful.  Today was the hardest day of my life, I made the toughest decision in my whole life, deciding between keeping or placing Jacobi.  I was having second thoughts so bad; I almost bundled her up and brought her home.  It was really tough. I kept staring at this little perfect girl sleeping peacefully wondering what to do.  But I kept looking and then one time I had a thought, "she's so precious how could I give her away", at the same time I was thinking, "she's so precious she deserves a wonderful 2 parent home".  I kept her till 10:00 tonight.  My boyfriend, mom, my aunt and I all went to the social services.  My boyfriend and I drove her over, I cried and hugged and kissed her the whole way there.  Meanwhile my boyfriend is crying and trying to comfort me.  Well at the social services we all said our good byes and I took her to the back room and I handed her over to Heidi.  It was really hard but I comforted me a lot more.  I sat and watched her.  But I know everything will be o.k.  Doug and Heidi are wonderful.  I'll get pictures soon of her.  I'm already missing her.  I can still hear her cry, hear her sniffles, see her beautiful face, see her little feet stretch out, her pouty lips, her gorgeous eyes, her nose, how she would look around at us and wonder where she was.  Everything about her is perfect.

My memories that night are still so clear and It really is amazing I didn't drop my baby walking down the hall because I was crying so bad and just had a baby the day before.  The moment I walked into that room the feeling was so overwhelmingly peaceful, I was so content and can tell you for someone that wasn't very spiritual, at the time, I was and I KNOW with all of my heart that my decision was not only the right decision but the way it had to be.  I would do it all over again to learn what I did from this, to be the person I am today. 

It took me a really long time to get confident about saying I placed.  I didn't like the way people would say  "awww".  I don't like to feel I need to justify why I do what I do.  I know I could have raised her, millions of single mom's do it all the time.  I didn't want my little girl to start out in a broken home.  

4 years after I placed I ran into a girl I sort of knew who was considering adoption.  She attended the group session's like I had when I was pregnant; with the LDS social services.  She invited me to come one night and there were several girls there that night.  I sat next to a girl that was so excited about her decision to place and the family she choose.  She handed a picture to me to see who she chose and I whispered "that's my family"  I was in such shock because I could not believe my eyes and it all seemed so surreal.  I always secretly wanted to meet whoever else placed there baby to my family, I just never thought it would actually happen so I never said it out loud.  It was amazing and put a little twist to my story:)

By the way....I did lose my weight, I didn't get stretch marks and I survived.  I like to share that part because it shows that I was young and the pregnancy hormones were really talking. 

Corbin's Story::Meeting Corbin

Read Corbin's Story::The Birth here

Later in the day we brought Emme back to meet her brother.  She had been anticipating this event for months and was so excited.  When we got to the hospital room Emme walked right up to M and said "where is my baby?"  To this day she calls him her baby.  Luckily, M thought it was great that Emme took ownership over her brother so quickly.  It was only fitting that Emme be the first to hold Corbin.

Proud big sister.

She is always talking M's ear off.  

My first time holding Corbin.

Gregg's first time holding Corbin.

M's son and Emme and Corbin's brother came to visit at the same time. He's such a sweetie.

Getting changed by M.

Emme and her older brother are trouble together.  I love watching the bond they have.  They are always immediate friends whenever they are together.

It is Not Okay

Gregg and I are in a unique situation.  The birth mom of our daughter is pregnant again and plans to place her child with us.  With this unique situation has come many comments from the peanut gallery.  Maybe it's because they baby is coming very soon and my emotions are high or maybe it's the UNBELIEVABLE comment I got the other day, but I am through with it.  So please let me clear the air here for a minute.

We love M unconditionally.  Yes, we do.  So any negative comments about her are unwelcome and frankly makes me look down on you.

A family doesn't have to share the same genes to be a family, but we think it's pretty remarkable that our children will be biological siblings.  We never thought that would happen when we chose to adopt so we think it's pretty special.

It is rude and offensive to not only M, but us to say M needs to get her tubes tied.  Um, hello!  We wouldn't be expanding our family right now if it wasn't for her.  Us along with M feel this is God's plan for us.

We did not call M up and "order" another baby.  And no, that's not funny.  I know funny.

This situation is not easy for M nor will it be easy for her to place a child for adoption again. Adoption really is about love. It's not M's birth control.  Her pain is real.  We watched her place Em with us.  To witness that kind of heartache was the hardest thing I ever went through.  I can't imagine what it felt like for her.  It hurts my heart thinking of it now.  I talk of it very seldom and with few people because of how sacred it is to me.  I respect M enough not to share that part of the story with just anyone.  Especially people who make stupid remarks.  I dare you to trade shoes with her.  Would you be strong enough?

The Phone Call

Life was about to get busy. We were really focused on Em and were having a lot of evaluations and appointments for her. Almost every day I didn't work we had some type of appointment.  Plus, she demanded our full attention at all times.  Gregg was excepted into an amazing MBA program which we felt very blessed about, but I knew I would be alone most days from sunup to sundown.  Scary thought.

Let's just say at this point I was content with our one child. Not because I didn't want more kids, but because I felt so overwhelmed.  We were just starting to get professional help with Em and didn't know she had ADHD.  Plus, we were drained after countless infertility tries and going back and forth with starting the adoption process again. We decided to put our next child on the back burner.  With Gregg going back to school and Em needing a lot of attention it seemed like the best decision.  I really felt like we had a boy coming, but after trying so hard to get him here I told The Lord I did my part and the rest was up to him.  (Never worked for me before)  

Out the blue, a week before Easter, I saw Em's birth aunt's phone number appear on my phone screen.  I always get excited to talk to Em's birth family so I quickly answered.  She shared with us that M (Mem's birthmom) was pregnant again and wondered our feelings about her placing the baby with us again. I was both caught off guard and yet wasn't. It was like I was waiting for a phone call like this. Not necessarily from M, but from someone.  It just made it even better that it was about M!  I told J (M's sister) that we would love to adopt again. I knew Gregg would too so I didn't even have to talk to him. J told me to expect a phone call from M soon so we could talk about it.  After we hung up I text Gregg to come home soon because I had BIG BIG news. He had no clue what I was talking about. :)  I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I called him and shared what had just happened. He was shocked, excited, and down right speechless. Meanwhile, M's number popped up on my screen so I hung up with Gregg and answered her phone call. 

M confirmed what J had told me. She told me she was unexpectedly pregnant again and had no idea what to do. Her mom mentioned that we wanted to adopt another baby (we told her mom last time we saw them we were starting the adoption process again) and immediately a peace came over her. She knew that was exactly what she wanted to do and her family was happy with her decision as well. She thanked us for raising Em like we have and giving her the opportunities we have.  That totally made my year.  To get a compliment like that from the woman who chose us to parent her child was so amazing.

The next week was so exciting.  We had amazing news and wanted to shout it from the roof tops.  We were like the character from SNL that couldn't keep a secret and had to run through windows to keep her mouth shut.

With Easter being that weekend, we found candy binkis that we slipped pieces of paper in that said, "you're going to have a new cousin October 15, 2013."  Then we put that into a big egg and wrote all of our nieces and nephews names on the outside.  Gregg's family was completely caught off guard and there were many tears of joy.  With my family, we did an Easter egg hunt and the kids knew not to open the egg with their name on it until we were all together.  Once they opened it my family started to question who was pregnant.  I think I was the last on their mind!  Finally, the accusation came to me and I explained that I was not pregnant, but that Em would be getting a biological sibling.  They were ecstatic and we had some more tears.  Gregg and I were so happy that we got to surprise everyone in a fun way.  We never thought we would be able to so we loved every minute of it!

Sorry the lighting is so bad!

I can't even express how truly blessed we are to have an open relationship with M and her family.  If we didn't, it would be very likely we would not have crossed M's mind.  Because she has been a part of our lives, she has been able to see Em grow and know she made the right decision for her.  Plus, she knows we keep our promises because we have with Em.  If we didn't have visits with M's family, her mom would never have a clue we wanted to adopt or have more children at all and wouldn't have been so quick to tell M our plans.  We are so thankful for the angel M has been in our lives!