Mother of Two Cont..

After Emme started school I still had moments of  "How am I going to do this?"  But, I also started to  have a few moments of "I can do this."

In Oct, Corbin joined the world.  He was the most handsome baby boy I had ever laid eyes on.  He proved to be the best newborn ever the first two weeks.  He was so sweet and never complained.

Then....we made it back from Idaho and Gregg immediately started back to school.  I was alone in the strange new world of being a mom of two.

Corbin started to become fussier and fussier as the days went on.  We switched his formula, but nothing changed. I tried probiotics, nothing changed.  It got to a point where he would eat an ounce or two and then just scream bloody murder for a couple hours.   Unlike Emme, he didn't really spit up, but apparently you can still have acid reflux without the vomit so we put him on some medication and changed his formula again. He finally started eating his whole bottle without screaming, but a few minutes after he was done eating he would start crying.  It didn't matter what I did or whether I held him or not.  He could not be comforted.  Gregg mentioned colic and few times and I immediately snapped at him.  It's not colic!  I just have to figure out his reflux!

Emme was on the rampage.  She loves babies so much, but she has no control over her need to squeeze and shake them.  If Corbin is in the room with her she runs to him like a moth to the flame.  Her body NEEDS to touch him and touch him hard in order to fulfill her sensory needs.  Putting Corbin down while they were both awake was not an option.  I have no doubt in my mind that she would have seriously hurt him.  She stopped napping despite my desperate prayers to please, please, please, just let her sleep today.

I felt so alone, because I was alone.  I started to become bitter towards Gregg simply because he was able to leave.  He didn't have to hear crying from Corbin or screaming from Emme All. Day. Long.  Emme stopped sleeping through the night so not only were we waking up with Corbin, but we also had to figure out how to get an overstimulated child back to sleep.  Many nights she was awake for hours.  Add that to not napping and you have one very violent child and a very exhausted mom.

Every time I fed Corbin, Emme would try to attack him.  I had to hold her off with my foot while she went ballistic.  Then she would grab anything in her path and throw it at us.  She also threw chairs, smeared poo, kicked walls, and slammed doors over and over.  I put her in her room to calm down and she would completely destroy it.

We were a mess.  I was having daily melt downs.  Many times when Gregg got home from school I was already in bed drowning in my tears.  I finally admitted to him I didn't like being a mom. I loved my kids, but I was at a complete loss on how to parent them.  It wasn't for me.  It sounds so horrible and ungrateful to say that especially after all I went through to be a mom.  That alone was the main reason I didn't reach out to anyone about it.  I knew there were so many women waiting to be mothers and here I was dreading every new day.

One day I remember calling Gregg practically begging him to come home and help me.  The reality is he just couldn't.  If you miss one class in grad school you're pretty much done for.  I don't think his professor would be very understanding if Gregg explained he had to go home because his wife is a crappy mother.  (my words not his)

On top of it all Corbin has been sick his entire life.  He's had RSV, Bronchiolitis twice, and Croup.  The poor kid can't win.  It doesn't help that Emme licks him any chance she gets.  And yes, I have heard of Doterra for heaven's sake!

Slowly, things started to get better.  I finally admitted Corbin had Colic.  We started feeding him Liquid Gold,  got his reflux medication dose right and figured out he only sleeps if he's on his stomach.  Not all at once, but eventually he got happier and happier.  The last few weeks he's even ridden in his car seat without screaming.  I've actually ran a few errands with him in tow!  He now sleeps through the night consistently and wakes up cooing.  He always waits patiently while I set him down so I can help Emme.  I seriously love the begeezees out of that kid.  His smile is the sweetest thing in the world.  I feel so blessed to have him in my life. He still has his grumpy times in the evening, but I can handle that.  That's normal baby stuff.

Emme's therapist sent us to a psychiatrist who prescribed a medication for her.  It has changed our life.  I never knew how bad things really were until after she started medication.  I know many people will judge us for it, but all I can say is we had a lot of thought and prayer go into it and don't point a finger when you've never been through it.   Her way of life is so much better.  It's not a cure all and problems still arise, but she is now capable of so much more.   She finally potty trained which I was starting to think would never happen.  She can walk from point A to point B without getting distracted.  She naps!  She tells stories, she's funny, and her tantrums have gone way down.  It's not all rainbows and sunflowers, but it's so much better.  She is still Emme and I'm thankful for that.  I wouldn't want her a zombie.  I told her therapist I was falling in love with her all over again.

 I know admitting my child is on medication will open up a can of worms, but it's truth.  She had been in school for six months and therapy for eight with little improvement.  Her brain was keeping her from moving forward.  I'm so tired of seeing people post articles on Facebook about ADHD and Autism and how to cure or prevent them, when they have absolutely NO first hand experience.  It's so easy to say what you would do if you were in someone else's shoes.  Just because you haven't had a child with these disabilities doesn't mean you did something right not to be faced with it.  It just means your trials have come in different ways.  I hope you are shown more patience with your struggles than we are when our child is throwing a tantrum in public.  But I digress....

Life is better now.  I can see the light and look back on the darkness.  I have an angel in my ward that has helped me more than I could ever repay.  She knows who she is.  The Lord told her I needed help and she obeyed.  I hope to be like her one day.  Know that I love my kids and I am so thankful for them.  Without a doubt they were always meant to come to me as if I birthed them.  Adopting doesn't make parenting easier but, I really try to be the best I can for them.  It's taken me a long time to write this post because I didn't want to put out the wrong impression, but I felt strongly I needed to share my struggles in adding a second child.  I learned recently that it's not guilt I feel, but shame.  Shame for not being perfect and NO one is perfect.

 Here's to going forward being a not so perfect mom, but to striving to be pretty darn good one.  

A Trio of Good Days

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I've been a little absent lately.  There have been some real lows when it comes to Emme's behavior and my attitude.  I just couldn't bring myself to share them.  I was telling her therapist yesterday, that there are days we just hold on and try to survive.  There is no reasoning on those days just a lot of damage control and tears.  On a particular hard day when Gregg had school, I had finally had enough and just started crying.   Poor sensitive Corbin starting crying in my lap and Emme who had been laughing in my face all day despite my fury, finally realized mom had lost it and started crying too.  I'm sure we were a nice sight.  Emme excitedly shared our cry fest experience with her therapist in our next session. I can only imagine what she thought. 

Despite having some really crummy days I feel it important to write that the last three days have been somewhat pleasant.  Emme has slept through the night AND napped all three days!  That's pretty awesome ya'll!  Sleep=a much easier Emme.  I met with her pyschiatrist a little while ago and we decided to make a few little changes.  For example, I now pick her up from school every day so she won't fall asleep on the bus.  Emme has now graduated to sitting in the seat closest to the driver which is the last resort before bus time goes bye bye.  I'm sure her bus driver is relieved to be Emme free for part of the day.  It's a pain to cut Corbin's nap short every day and drive 30 minutes round trip, but so worth it to have Emme nap at home.

Other Positive Emme Notes: 

No poo smeared mirrors. In fact she has been really good about the whole potty thing lately.  She's even been wearing two piece jammies which hasn't happened in over a year due to her poo obsession.  

She asked me to "please get her more milk" and brought me her sippy cup.  A more normal occurrence would be her throwing her empty cup while screaming hysterically. 

On three different occasions she expressed her desire to hit me and Corbin.  I congratulated her for using her words instead of immediately lashing out.  She answered with "yeah mom!  I didn't kick you!"  Good job my little bug. 

After one of her naps she came and got me and asked if I would lay by her because it was still sleep time.  After following her in her room she handed me her favorite blanket and her pillow pet then laid back down in her bed.  I can assure you that has never happened.   

She was focused enough after school to tell me about her day.  Sure it included throwing all the toys at her teacher, but this was big for me. Usually she is either too tired to function or honestly cannot keep a thought long enough to answer let alone understand or care what I'm asking in the first place.

While having a play date with a friend at Discovery Gateway she only hit one kid the entire two hours and that was only when him and his brothers were in her space big time and the "victim" stole her toy.  The mom was a major beast about it, but we'll talk more on that later.  Her therapist and I deemed it a huge success.

Here's hoping for FOUR pleasant days.  Wish me luck.

  

The Wheels On The Bus Go....

Stay in your seat, stop hitting other kids, keep your shoes on.


I've mentioned before that Emme rides a bus to school.  When she first started at her therapy school, the bus gave me super anxiety.  I know Emme too well and knew she would get bored on the 45 min ride.  Bored means taking things into her own hands. 

Her BT assured me that they have been in business for 50 years and know what they are doing.  I was still very nervous, but long story short, once Corbin came around I knew it wouldn't be easy to go back and forth every day.

She loves her bus driver Joo wee (Julie) and looks forward to seeing her every day. 

As predicted, Emme got bored. She would do harmless things like taking her shoes and socks off and playing with the belt buckle next to her.   When I would pick her up she would proudly show me the work she had done. 

I would ask her if she was nice to her friends on the bus and she would usually tell me she hit them.  At least she's honest, right?  Although Emme admitted she was being mean to the other kids, Joo Wee never notified me of anything. She goes to school with kids just like her so I'm sure that type of behavior is common.  

So needless to say, when I got Emme off the bus last Thursday I could see in Joo Wee's eyes something was not good. 

"We have a situation."

"Uh, Oh."

"Emme got out of her seat belt.  I saw her standing on the seat at our last stop.  You need to help me reinforce that she needs to stay buckled."

I think in my head "if I could reinforce things like that she wouldn't be at this school."

I turn and say to Joo Wee, "I'm so sorry.  We usually zip tie her straps in our car."

She cuts me off, "We can't do that, it's unsafe.  If she doesn't stay in her seat she can't ride the bus anymore."

Emme and I proceed to get off the bus.  Me with my head hanging low and Emme clueless she is in trouble but very proud of her accomplishments.  

Emme ran into the backyard to jump on the trampoline (our daily routine) and I went inside a sobbed while I watched her out of the window.  It was happening.  Adults are starting to get frustrated with my child.  Not only does Emme not listen to me, she doesn't listen to anyone.  I had flashes of the future where teachers misunderstand Emme and she is in constant trouble.  It made my heart hurt for her. 

It didn't bother me so much that Emme got out of her seat belt, which is a 5 point harness by the way.  I was actually surprised it hadn't happened sooner. What bothered me was the exasperation in Joo Wee's voice.  I could tell she had done everything in her power to get Emme back in her seat.  She was at her wits end. I don't blame her.  I had the same feeling the day Emme got out of her seat belt on the freeway and opened the car door. Talk about panic. 

What I should have said to Joo Wee was; my child doesn't listen to me.  I have no control.  I'm a bad mom.  I zip tie my child's car seat straps.  It's apparently unsafe.  Maybe I'm just prepping her to be the next Criss Angel because let's be honest, she'll eventually figure how to get out of those too.  

We have a long road ahead of us.  One where Emme and I will make mistakes, one where adults and teachers will get frustrated with her, one where I will be judged harshly as a mom.  

Today though, today I don't care. I know she was meant to be mine.  Her mother chose me, I chose Emme, and most importantly Heavenly Father chose us to be a family.  I will fight for her no matter the cost.  No matter the tears.  No matter the judgment.  No matter the driving back and forth to school.

She was meant to be mine.

I'm Surviving

Late Friday afternoon we got news that we were able to come home. We were starting to worry we wouldn't hear anything until the next week. I even cancelled an appt on Monday and called Em's school to tell them she wouldn't be there. But alas!  We finally were given freedom. My poor family was ready for us to leave I'm sure!  

Living out of suitcases with a brand new baby isn't the easiest.  Plus, Gregg had to work the last week we were there so that pretty much sucked.  Luckily, my family was awesome and helped a ton.  My sister in law took Emme almost every day, my sister watched Corbin while I took a nap, my mom slept an entire night with Emme because she was scared, and food was provided so I didn't have to cook.  I also have to mention my awesome sister in law that we stayed with the first week who cooked, did laundry, babysat Emme, and came with me to Corbin's circumcism.  Oh and my cute nephews who gave up their rooms for us.  Now you can see why they were sick of us!  Not many new moms get the treatment I did, that's for sure. 

Here it is Wednesday. Corbin is two weeks, Emme and Gregg are back to school, and I'm adjusting to being a mom of two.  I'm surviving and instead of freaking out or complaining I've decided to be thankful for the reasons I'm hanging in there and count my blessings. So, here they are. 

1. Emme has school from 9-12 and rides the bus so she is gone from 8-1. 

2. Emme still takes naps when she gets home from school.  Hallelujah!

3. Corbin is an angel baby and hardly complains when his sister suddenly scratches, grabs him, or bounces a bouncy ball off of his head. 

4. Gregg takes one of the middle of the night feedings.

5. My hair does a bun well.

6. Corbin is an angel baby.  This deserved two. 

7. I'm not working right now

8. Both of my kids are sleeping right now and I'm going to nap when I'm done typing this. 

9. Seriously, Corbin is the easiest newborn so far. Okay, three. 

So there you have it. I will choose not to freak out or make a big deal, as Emme says, about the fact that I'm constantly on Emme patrol around Corbin, or that Emme might go to bed dirty and without her teeth being brushed when Gregg's at school.  I will also not make a big deal that I'm exhausted because that it to be expected. Yes, I will save my fears and whining for another day.  

Please stay tuned for a recount of our experiences with Corbin's adoption. It was an amazing week and one I want to write down and remember forever even if it's only for me.