The Truth About Motherhood

Emme went through a phase where she separated herself into two different people.  There was a good Emme and a bad Emme.  They often got in fights with each other where bad Emme would hit good Emme, or bad Emme would scream at good Emme.

Disturbing much?

Naturally, I brought this up to her behavioral therapist.  She explained that Emme was having a hard time understanding that people can be both good and bad.  She only perceived them in a very black or white way.  Therefore, she split her personalities into separate components so she could process herself in a way that made sense to her.

Her BT brought up the point that everyone has both good qualities and bad qualities, but that Emme is too little to understand you can have both.

She has now grown out of this phase, but I was reminded of this conversation this week when her psychiatrist asked me how the last few months had gone.  As I thought back, I could think of many negative experiences, but I could also think of many positive ones.  So I responded with "we've had a lot of ups and a lot of downs."

Emme has come so far and yet we still have struggles every day.  I worried the psychiatrist would think it was a weird response.  I mean, she's either doing better or she isn't.  Make a choice.  Am I right?

Flashback to my conversation with the BT.  It IS okay to admit that our everyday life is both better and sometimes it's not.  10:30 might be amazing and 10:35 might be terrible.  Just like we all have good and bad qualities the same is true of many things in life.

Being a mom for example.

Motherhood is often times very polar opposite.

Sometimes it's beautiful...

and moments later it can become more...let's say....interesting...

"Emme, stop picking your nose and eating it."

Seriously, honey, that's gross.

Motherhood is both joyful and heartbreaking.

Worth it, yet SO tiring.

Funny and frustrating.

Messy and more messy. Okay that one doesn't really work.

Spiritual and scream into a pillow, worthy.

These are all things you probably already knew.  Well here's some realizations I made this week that you may not know.  

I love seeing all of the inspirational posts about motherhood this time of year.  Booyah to telling us it's okay to let housework go so you can play with your kids.  Kuddos to letting perfection go out the window.  High five to the person that said you have to make time for yourself.  I dig it.  I get it.  I love it.  Except for weeks like this one. 

As much as these articles and speeches inspire me, they also make me roll my eyes.  I can guarantee they weren't written in the midst of sleepless nights, sick kids, bathrooms that are overdue, and work that HAS to be done now.  Or as I like to call my life right now "survival mode."  

I hit a point this week that I just got SO frustrated!  I get that it's okay to let things go, but they still have to get done eventually.  Eventually was this week.  I couldn't handle the chaos any longer.  Problem is, my life doesn't care right now.  My life IS chaos and it's not going to change for a while.  I feel like I'm always just skimming the surface.  There's not time or energy to really dig deep into extra... well...anything extra.  I'm lucky to get the counter cleaned up and the toys put away.  It's an amazing occurrence when Emme is sent to school with matching socks.  So amazing that I deserve an award for it because it's such an accomplishment for me.  

No one mentions that you still gotta get crap done and find time to be a fun playful mom. No one tells you what to do if that's just not possible.  I've never been schooled on parenting a special needs child while making sure my house doesn't become condemned.  Where is an article that tells you it's okay to ignore your children for a moment because there is NO ONE else that is going to do the work for you?  After all, we can't turn into hoarders here people.  That's pretty much frowned upon.  Where is a post about making it through when there is not a single moment to go grocery shopping?  Where is the talk about never seeing your husband and date nights seriously not being possible right now?

Maybe when I look back at this time, I will write an inspirational article saying "I've been there." " Hang in there, friend."  "There will be a time for organization later in life."

Now is not that time.

Right now I'm just a complete clone of Franky from The Middle.  

Unorganized, tired, poor, and not a very good cook.  It's scary how well I relate to her.

So here's my inspiration to myself right now.

YES, it's okay to let housework go, but it's also okay to let Emme watch TV with a big bowl of popcorn while you wipe down the toilet.

YES, it's okay to play hide and seek with your three year old. But, it's also okay to unload the dishwasher, once in a while, instead. 

YES, it's okay to take a nap after a sleepless night, but it's also okay to feel a little guilty that you accomplished nothing, nothing, when Emme was at school.   A little guilt is good.  It brings motivation. Now I'm just making stuff up.  Have I mentioned I'm tired enough times yet?

YES, it's okay that your life is contradictory and this article may only make sense to yourself.  

YES, it's okay that you are a mess right now because it's still a mess that's pretty beautiful.  See how I brought that back around?

ALL IN ALL

Just. Keep. Surviving.  You're doing great.  

A Trio of Good Days

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I've been a little absent lately.  There have been some real lows when it comes to Emme's behavior and my attitude.  I just couldn't bring myself to share them.  I was telling her therapist yesterday, that there are days we just hold on and try to survive.  There is no reasoning on those days just a lot of damage control and tears.  On a particular hard day when Gregg had school, I had finally had enough and just started crying.   Poor sensitive Corbin starting crying in my lap and Emme who had been laughing in my face all day despite my fury, finally realized mom had lost it and started crying too.  I'm sure we were a nice sight.  Emme excitedly shared our cry fest experience with her therapist in our next session. I can only imagine what she thought. 

Despite having some really crummy days I feel it important to write that the last three days have been somewhat pleasant.  Emme has slept through the night AND napped all three days!  That's pretty awesome ya'll!  Sleep=a much easier Emme.  I met with her pyschiatrist a little while ago and we decided to make a few little changes.  For example, I now pick her up from school every day so she won't fall asleep on the bus.  Emme has now graduated to sitting in the seat closest to the driver which is the last resort before bus time goes bye bye.  I'm sure her bus driver is relieved to be Emme free for part of the day.  It's a pain to cut Corbin's nap short every day and drive 30 minutes round trip, but so worth it to have Emme nap at home.

Other Positive Emme Notes: 

No poo smeared mirrors. In fact she has been really good about the whole potty thing lately.  She's even been wearing two piece jammies which hasn't happened in over a year due to her poo obsession.  

She asked me to "please get her more milk" and brought me her sippy cup.  A more normal occurrence would be her throwing her empty cup while screaming hysterically. 

On three different occasions she expressed her desire to hit me and Corbin.  I congratulated her for using her words instead of immediately lashing out.  She answered with "yeah mom!  I didn't kick you!"  Good job my little bug. 

After one of her naps she came and got me and asked if I would lay by her because it was still sleep time.  After following her in her room she handed me her favorite blanket and her pillow pet then laid back down in her bed.  I can assure you that has never happened.   

She was focused enough after school to tell me about her day.  Sure it included throwing all the toys at her teacher, but this was big for me. Usually she is either too tired to function or honestly cannot keep a thought long enough to answer let alone understand or care what I'm asking in the first place.

While having a play date with a friend at Discovery Gateway she only hit one kid the entire two hours and that was only when him and his brothers were in her space big time and the "victim" stole her toy.  The mom was a major beast about it, but we'll talk more on that later.  Her therapist and I deemed it a huge success.

Here's hoping for FOUR pleasant days.  Wish me luck.

  

My Unhealthy Resolutions

You scare me '14. 

If I had one goal this year it would simply be to survive.  Which does not seem very simple at times. 

Gregg will be in the MBA program all year.  This is the only year that will happen as he started in May of 2013 and will end in May of 2015. Which kind of makes me sound like a baby now that I read that. It could be so much worse, but if you've read this blog for long you know that I am in no doubt a baby.  So wah...

Gregg being in school has been a huge sacrifice for us.  I feel like we are barely keeping our heads above ground.  Most days it's more like I'm sucking in dirt.  I just pray it's all worth it in the end.  This will be a hard 365 days though.

What is my plan of action to "survive" this year?  I have no idea, but I will tell you how I will make it through the ugly months of January and February.

Diet Coke.  It has become a delicacy as of late because Gregg stopped drinking soda months ago and it is no longer a staple in our home.  A trip to the drive through of Mickey Dees for their Diet Coke will be like a trip to paradise.  

TV.  After the kiddos go to bed and Gregg is at school or studying, you better believe I will be catching up on my favorite shows. Luckily, a bunch will start up this week.  I won't tell you which ones because a few are embarrassing,  but if you want a hint one of them rhymes with the thatchelor.

Books. I love to read, but this last year I only read a handful of books.  Escaping to a different time, place, or dimension is just what I need.  If it means less sleep, so be it!  Well, actually I really need sleep right now so I'll figure that all out later.  

Amazon. Thanks to Prime we are addicted to Amazon. It has cut down leaving the house tremendously.  With being alone a lot, working when Gregg IS home, a little girl who doesn't function in stores, and a baby who screams the entire time he's in a car seat, I don't like to set out of the house much.  I rarely make it to get groceries so Amazon is a perfect solution for miscellaneous items. 

Hot Chocolate.  It's so dang fattening, but oh so warm and creamy.  Plus, I've discovered Reddi Whip makes it that much more awesome.

Work.  It has been so amazing to have a salon in my home.  Had I not decided to do this before Corbin was born, things would be really messy right now.  The babysitter I had for Emme moved far away and with Corbin as sick as he was last month I wouldn't have been able to work at all.  I love that I can work while Gregg is home.  My clients are the best and I get adult interaction.  It's been such a blessing. 

Fast Food.  I hate you, but I love you.  I'm so tired as of late that my body screams for sleep.  Every muscle and every brain cell is crying in pain for some shut eye.  Corbin has slept through the night once, but Emme woke up several times that night.  She's has been struggling to stay asleep for the last few months.  A curse of ADHD.  What does that have to do with fast food?  I'm tired ya'll.  I don't have time to cook while Corbin is screaming and Emme is destroying.  I rarely make it to the store.  Good ol' Gregg has been picking things up during his lunch break.  So yes, fast food will have to do for a little while.  That and eggs.  We eat a lot of eggs.  

There you have it.  My survival guide 2.0.  I may come out of this year a little/alot heavier, and a little older looking, but I will still be standing.  Or crawling or rolling.  The point is... I will survive.