Down to Business

I haven't been completely honest the last few months.

My heart yearns to write and share my thoughts on the whole truth and nothing but the truth about raising a child with severe ADHD.

Then there is this part of me that only worries about what others will think of me as a mom and as a person in general.  Will I seem ungrateful for the miracle that Emme is to our family?  Will I be way too negative about her and allow others to talk negatively about her as well?  Do my readers understand what ADHD really means and how disabling it can be?  How many terrible comments will I receive because we have chosen medication as a way to help Emme?

Point being, I have filtered our life as to create a facade of what our day to day really looks and feels like.  The reality is times are hard.  I'm sure someone could handle my situation a millions times better than me, but this is what I need to go through in order to grow and learn and become the person I'm suppose to be.

With that said, I realize there are tougher things in life than a child with ADHD and a husband who I only see on Sundays.  I gave a talk in church months back and talked about how we had learned that parenting would be a lot different for us than most.  After sacrament I had a lady ask what was wrong with Amy?  Caught off guard a little I stuttered out that Emme had ADHD.  She let out a big sigh, admitted she hadn't been listening very closely and that things could be a lot worse for us.  She thought "Amy" had cancer or something life changing like that.  My temper getting the best of me I spit back, " I realize that, but it's still hard for us!"  Then I walked away.

Although she went about it in a tactless way, I get it.  There are bigger stresses.  My child is healthy and my husband is just at school.  I get to sleep next to him every night.  There are many blessings in our family and I try to count each one. Trust me, I get it.

Speaking of blessings, I am thankful that we even have children.  What I've come to realize is that there are many who don't understand that my children were always meant to come to Gregg and me.  It was all predetermined.  I believe it with all of my heart.  Adoption is amazing.  I will never be more grateful than I am for my children and the change adoption put in me.  They are mine just like any other mother who bore her babies.  We just had to search a little harder for each other.   Thank the heavens for their birth mother and birth families.  They are our angels here on earth.  Let it be known that we do not target them for any imperfections in our children.  Are my children's genes different from ours?  Of course! Does that matter?  No!  Gregg and I have good and bad genes just like the rest of the world and they could have been passed on to our biological offspring.  Plus, I love that Emme has platinum blond hair, and both of my kids have striking blue eyes. They didn't get it from me, and that's okay.

A fault a lot of adoptive couples make, I know we did, while waiting for their miracle and in the early years is to put themselves as parents and their future children on a pedestal.  You may have to read that one twice.  It's sets you up to fail people.  Parenting is hard no matter what.  Just like any child from any beginning they can drive you nuts.  You are a regular parent just like every one else.  At least I am.  I didn't get any super human ability because we waited five years.  It doesn't make you a failure and it doesn't make you ungrateful.  Admitting Emme has some serious issues and that I'm not the awesome parent I imagined I'd be, does not make me ungrateful to adoption or her birthmom.  It makes me a parent.

As of late there have been some adults and children that have voiced their opinions about Emme.  It made me wonder if I was allowing that by being too honest about her.  It hurt my feelings and I couldn't sleep after one of the incidences.  We all know how I need my sleep.  I worried I was sharing too much of the ugly truth and that made it so others thought they could put Emme down or voice what they thought she would end up like.  I worried if I blogged too much about our experiences that Emme would be judged without someone really even knowing her.  Emme has so many awesome qualities and abilities. Gregg and I are her only true advocates and I want to make things better not worse.  My answer was this ::  I must also blog about her awesomeness so it can be known that she is really great sometimes.  ADHD can be a blessing in some ways and I need to discuss that as well.

Also, know that....

ADHD is real.  It is more than being hyper.  I do not medicate my child because she is just busy or because it makes my life easier.  It's a sensitive subject, but until you have had a child with a severe neurological disorder, you do not know what you're talking about.  Selling oils, knowing someone with ADHD, and hearing about a study does not make you an expert on the subject.  Until you are a specialized doctor or have lived day in and day out with a child like Emme, you don't know.  You don't.  I myself continue to learn.  Trust me there will be a whole post on this.

I realize there is a lot going on in this post, but now that this is all out there, I can continue on with the honest truth.  No more fluff.  If you want that you can follow my Instagram.  ;)  This blog is my outlet and a way to connect with others going through the same thing.  I need to voice my fears, worries, and thanks because it's healthier than keeping it all in and losing it one day.  I'd rather you not see me on the news as the crazy lady that ran away from life.  But if that happens to you or me I promise not to judge.

Don't Read This, Unless You Have To

My brain is foggy.

 If you didn't gather that from my previous post, well then, shame on you. 

I've written multiple posts, but I just can't seem to execute them.  The wording is off or I get to the end and my head goes blank. I really shouldn't be allowed to have access to any kind of social media right now. Here I am though. Gregg is working on homework and I'm watching TV while blogging.  Don't judge me for my poor writing skills right now. Or ever. Don't judge me ever.  

It's our last week as a family of three. I pray anyway.  With that comes anxiety, stress, and fear.  But also faith, hope, and excitement.  Maybe everyone feels this way right before adding a child to their family.  I'm not really sure.  

M has been amazing.  I don't know how we got so lucky to have her in our lives.  She is so strong. Please think of her in your prayers if you could.

Emme decided to test the boundaries of her crib this week.  Yes, she's three and yes, most kids are already in a bed.  She's been able to climb in and out of her crib for over a year, but for some reason or another she's never gotten out during a nap or at night time.  Why change that?  I love that she still takes three hour naps and goes to bed from eight to eight.  So what would any sane parent do?  No, not set up the toddler bed that's been in their storage room for months. A sensible parent would tell her there are spiders on the floor that only come out if girls sleep on the floor, but can't touch you if you sleep in your bed.  It backfired in a way. She loves bugs and spiders so she has been searching for one ever since.  She took a nap fine today so hopefully we have a little more time with the crib. I mean, I'm all for the big girl bed, but I just need a little time to adjust to the new baby before naps go away and Emme becomes more of an overstimulated toddler than she already is.  Remember how I said not to judge?  Insert non judgment here. 

I could go on all night, but now I'm really caught up in an episode of The Mentalist and with a foggy brain and all, I can't keep track of everything.  Please look forward to more random rants in the future. 

It is Not Okay

Gregg and I are in a unique situation.  The birth mom of our daughter is pregnant again and plans to place her child with us.  With this unique situation has come many comments from the peanut gallery.  Maybe it's because they baby is coming very soon and my emotions are high or maybe it's the UNBELIEVABLE comment I got the other day, but I am through with it.  So please let me clear the air here for a minute.

We love M unconditionally.  Yes, we do.  So any negative comments about her are unwelcome and frankly makes me look down on you.

A family doesn't have to share the same genes to be a family, but we think it's pretty remarkable that our children will be biological siblings.  We never thought that would happen when we chose to adopt so we think it's pretty special.

It is rude and offensive to not only M, but us to say M needs to get her tubes tied.  Um, hello!  We wouldn't be expanding our family right now if it wasn't for her.  Us along with M feel this is God's plan for us.

We did not call M up and "order" another baby.  And no, that's not funny.  I know funny.

This situation is not easy for M nor will it be easy for her to place a child for adoption again. Adoption really is about love. It's not M's birth control.  Her pain is real.  We watched her place Em with us.  To witness that kind of heartache was the hardest thing I ever went through.  I can't imagine what it felt like for her.  It hurts my heart thinking of it now.  I talk of it very seldom and with few people because of how sacred it is to me.  I respect M enough not to share that part of the story with just anyone.  Especially people who make stupid remarks.  I dare you to trade shoes with her.  Would you be strong enough?