He Will Send Angels

The week before Corbin was born my anxiety was at an all time high.  I was so nervous of what was to come.  There were so many what ifs.

What if "M" changes her mind?

What if Corbin's birth dad or his family hates us?

What if I can't handle two kids?

What if Emme freaks out even more?

What if? What if? What if?

I asked Gregg to give me a priesthood blessing of comfort the night before we left to get Corbin.  In it he promised that this little boy WOULD be joining our family and things would work out with the adoption.  He then advised me to not be afraid to seek help after I was a mother of two.  Most importantly, I needed to accept the help that was offered.  A task that is very hard for me to do.

About a year ago I had something I like to call a MOM DAY.  Emme was particularly out of control.   I don't remember much of the details, other than she would NOT take a nap and was very over stimulated.  I'm sure I had been hit, kicked, spit at, and gotten hair ripped out.  I NEEDED her to sleep so I could refresh a little.  At that point she was still in a crib and not climbing out of it, which was a miracle in and of it self.  When I put her down for a nap that day she became a caged animal flailing and screaming and throwing.  I eventually tried rocking her, but she just slapped and head butted me so I'd put her back in her crib.  After hours of this I completely had a mental break down.  I dramatically fell on my bed and did the ugly cry while I could hear Emme flipping out in her crib.  I pleaded in a prayer that He would send help.  I was teaching a lesson the next Sunday in Young Women about Heavenly Father sending help through others when we really needed it.  I remember thinking "Where is my help?"  I sobbed and sobbed and some where along the way I fell asleep out of exhaustion while Emme screamed and banged the wall in the room next door.

The next thing I remember was someone opening my bedroom door.  It makes me tear up even today just thinking about it.  I saw that it was my husband and then quickly checked the clock thinking "did I really sleep that long?"  It was hours before he was supposed to be home and I was so confused.  He told me something about a meeting, no lunch, and getting to come home early.  That has NEVER happened.  I don't recall him ever coming home way early without it being in his work schedule well in advance.  He could see I was in distress and I told him it had not been a good day.  He told me to go back to sleep and that he would take care of everything.  Emme had fallen asleep somewhere along the way and I returned to my slumber knowing he was home to carry the weight when she woke up.  I taught my lesson in confidence that Heavenly Father does indeed send help when needed.

There have been many times where I could use outside help or even just some super hero sized patience during my time parenting Emme, and none has come.  Then there have been times when all hope is lost and I'm at the point of desperation where help has showed up out of the blue.  I'm not sure the difference.  Each time seems pretty unbearable to me yet sometimes I am sent help and others I am not.  I can only believe that in some moments I am meant to be polished and changed and others I am shown that I am not alone and yes, He will help lift my burdens.

Last week was one of the hardest in my life.  I watched a dear friend lay her sweet baby boy to rest.  The heartache was something I can't describe.  I wish I could take away some of her pain, but I know I can't.  Instead I just held her and cried with her.  There is a whole post coming about the experience.  Throughout it all I was dealing with the news that my dad had colon cancer.  He had surgery on Thursday to remove the cancer and we were all on edge wondering if it had spread.  Thank goodness from what they can tell before testing it hasn't.  Needless to say, my emotions were rail thin.

Due to work, a Dr. appt, and these big events I had to find babysitters for five different occasions.  An almost impossible task.  Thankfully, I was being watched over and the Lord sent His earthly angels to help me.

Four beautiful women came to my aid last week and said yes to watching my children without hesitation.  Each one of them have major things happening in their lives right now that I wasn't aware of until later, but they took my kids in regardless and without complaint.  My sweet cousin who lives 45min away brought her whole family to my house to watch my kids while I attended the viewing.  She even took work off to play the piano for me while I sang at the funeral.  Come to find out she has a major medical issue going on right now, yet she didn't even bring it up.  She knew I needed her and she came.  Her name kept popping into my head every time I tried to think of who could accompany me.  The Lord knew she would obey and she did.

The day after my dad's surgery I really wanted to spend time at the hospital.  I saw my dad for a little bit the day before, but he was still groggy.  Plus, I wanted to make sure my mom was able to have relief and change her clothes and shower from spending the night at the hospital.  I asked a few people to watch my kids but, they already had other obligations.  I cried and felt sorry for myself that I couldn't be there, but I had already used my go to friends enough and I couldn't bother them again.  A little while later, I received a message from a new friend that I had met through the adoption community.  She had text me earlier in the week to see what she could do, but at that time I didn't need anything.  She once again sent, "How can I help you?"  Not, call me if you need anything, but how can I help?  I text her and asked if she'd be willing to watch my kids that day and she immediately responded with, "when are you bringing them over?"  Corbin cried almost the whole time for her and yet she was always so positive and told me not to worry.

The other two women were just as amazing.  One offered to help even though she already had two extra kids and had mine twice already.  The other was selling her house and had to gather up three sleeping children last minute to accommodate a showing.

What wonderful examples to me.  They had every reason to tell me no, yet they didn't even hesitate to say yes.  I strive to be like them.

My brothers and sisters, we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers. We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us.   President Thomas S. Monson General Conference Oct. 2009

I needed those four women more than they will ever know.  The Lord depended on them and they came through.  It made me evaluate my own life.  Was I listening to the promptings of helping others or was I ignoring them?  Am I even getting promptings anymore or has the Lord given up on trying?

Most days I feel as though I'm barely surviving.  I'm usually throwing a pity party for myself and not even thinking of others.  My goal is to be more like these women and less like myself.  Service is a little like sacrifice.  If it doesn't put us out of our comfort to do it then what are we really learning from it?

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there? 

A Mother Of Two

From January 2013-February 2013 Emme had already had three evaluations and another one set up for May.  We jumped right into Occupational Therapy through early intervention and had appointments every other week.  Her sensory disorder was overwhelming to learn about at first, but it was very eye opening.  Her behavior was out of control, but until her eval in May with a Behavioral Therapist I was at a loss on how to best help her.  We were struggling, but she still napped for three hours a day and Gregg wasn't in school yet so I felt like we were surviving.

Towards the end of February Gregg learned he was excepted into a great MBA program and would start the beginning of May.  It was an answer to our prayers. We knew if Gregg were to get in a career that would both benefit him and our family he needed to first further his education.

Towards the end of March we received the amazing news that another child would be joining our family. A true miracle and another testament that everything happens in God's timing and not ours.

I was thrilled to be getting another baby.  Emme's biological sibling no less.  There was one big problem though.  I felt I was failing miserably as Emme's mother.  Once Gregg started school and I was home alone most of the time reality really set in.  There were more days than I can count where I broke down and cried wondering how I would ever be able to be a mother of two children.

I often demanded in my prayers that this coming baby better be the easiest baby in the world.  I had no energy left.  I prayed for more strength and patience every day, but the truth is, Emme was still Emme and I was still exhausted.  There was no huge weight lifted and I didn't receive an extra boost in patience all of the sudden.  The thing is, He knew.  I honestly believe He knew I wasn't bluffing.  I couldn't be a mother of two without help.

After, Emme had been going to a Behavioral Therapist for a couple months she highly recommended that Emme attend their therapy school.  We agreed and also felt strongly that she attend their school, but it was very expensive.  We qualified for a small grant, but even then it was out of our budget.  We still knew she needed to go, so we went forward in faith that the money would come from somewhere.  Although, it was more likely that we won the lottery than it was that we would come up with the extra cash.

The time came when I got a phone call from the financial lady at her school.  She said I needed to come in that day to discuss our fee.  I went in dragging my feet knowing we really didn't have the money.  She went over our last years taxes and had me sign a few things.  Then at the bottom of the page she wrote our monthly total and handed me the paper.  I saw a huge $0.  I looked at her like, "this can't be right.  We must be a lot poorer than I thought."  She finally explained that the school had gotten a huge grant from the government and in order to use it all, all of their kids got to attend school for free until next July.  Emme literally started school the week it went into effect so we never had to pay a dime.

So not only was Emme able to attend a therapy school for free and learn very important skills, but I was going to have a big chunk of my mornings free.  Until Corbin was born, of course.  Like I said before, Heavenly Father knew I couldn't do it without help so He paved the way for outside help.

to be continued...

Apology from the Circus

Dear Doctor,

I would like to apologize for the unexpected circus show you were witness to today.  

Thank you for holding my baby while I took my three year old to the bathroom to clean up her poopy butt three seconds after you walked in the room.  I know you had a thousand other things you could have been doing.  Emme has decided to give up on potty training.  If you want to call it that.  She has been "training" for over a year and she could give a crap less.  Pun intended.

Sorry Corbin screamed for 99% of the visit.  I know how hard it is to concentrate with a screaming baby.  I'm glad you called for backup.  I'm pretty sure that nurse will forever dread our appointments.  Thanks to the chaos I paid no attention to my baby's stats and instead focused my energy on keeping Emme away from your computer and medical supplies.

If you at any point you looked at Emme and thought "wow, this little girl is like a rabid raccoon stuck in a cage," then we were on the same page.  She was extra feisty today.  Actually, that's just what I tell people so they don't think she's like that all the time.  She is.  

Speaking of raccoons, does she always treat Corbin like a juicy steak?  Why yes, yes she does. Don't worry,  I NEVER put him down if she's in the room with him. Thanks for being concerned for his safety and to answer your question, yes, it is exhausting.  

Also, thanks for breaking the news softly that my poor two month old has bronchiolitis and torticollis.   I look forward to spending the next three weeks stuck in the house while my sick little baby coughs up his lungs.  I also look forward to the added physical therapy appointments I totally have time for.  Not that I'm blaming you of course.  It's just a series of unfortunate events.  

Lastly, please personally apologize to your front desk ladies that my daughter emulated Darla from Finding Nemo.  If your fish hide from you for now on, you know who to blame.  I hope the big sticker you gave her comes off the tank eventually.  I tried my best to peel it off, but it was a lost cause. The sticker she stuck on the table shouldn't stick as long.  I wouldn't know though as I decided getting our Ringling show out of there was more important and your secretary readily agreed.  

When our time was finally coming to an end I saw the pity in your eyes.  Your words of kindness made me choke up and I could not speak.  I pray for the day our hard work pays off and you no longer look at me with sad eyes.  I love my children ADHD, colic, reflux, rabidness, and all.  I hope that shows through the shadows under my eyes.

Your patience was much appreciated.
  

Sincerely,
The Animal Handler  

I'm Surviving

Late Friday afternoon we got news that we were able to come home. We were starting to worry we wouldn't hear anything until the next week. I even cancelled an appt on Monday and called Em's school to tell them she wouldn't be there. But alas!  We finally were given freedom. My poor family was ready for us to leave I'm sure!  

Living out of suitcases with a brand new baby isn't the easiest.  Plus, Gregg had to work the last week we were there so that pretty much sucked.  Luckily, my family was awesome and helped a ton.  My sister in law took Emme almost every day, my sister watched Corbin while I took a nap, my mom slept an entire night with Emme because she was scared, and food was provided so I didn't have to cook.  I also have to mention my awesome sister in law that we stayed with the first week who cooked, did laundry, babysat Emme, and came with me to Corbin's circumcism.  Oh and my cute nephews who gave up their rooms for us.  Now you can see why they were sick of us!  Not many new moms get the treatment I did, that's for sure. 

Here it is Wednesday. Corbin is two weeks, Emme and Gregg are back to school, and I'm adjusting to being a mom of two.  I'm surviving and instead of freaking out or complaining I've decided to be thankful for the reasons I'm hanging in there and count my blessings. So, here they are. 

1. Emme has school from 9-12 and rides the bus so she is gone from 8-1. 

2. Emme still takes naps when she gets home from school.  Hallelujah!

3. Corbin is an angel baby and hardly complains when his sister suddenly scratches, grabs him, or bounces a bouncy ball off of his head. 

4. Gregg takes one of the middle of the night feedings.

5. My hair does a bun well.

6. Corbin is an angel baby.  This deserved two. 

7. I'm not working right now

8. Both of my kids are sleeping right now and I'm going to nap when I'm done typing this. 

9. Seriously, Corbin is the easiest newborn so far. Okay, three. 

So there you have it. I will choose not to freak out or make a big deal, as Emme says, about the fact that I'm constantly on Emme patrol around Corbin, or that Emme might go to bed dirty and without her teeth being brushed when Gregg's at school.  I will also not make a big deal that I'm exhausted because that it to be expected. Yes, I will save my fears and whining for another day.  

Please stay tuned for a recount of our experiences with Corbin's adoption. It was an amazing week and one I want to write down and remember forever even if it's only for me.