Healed

My beautiful cousin Sharee just moved back to the states from living in Argentina for a few years with her husband and kids.  She taught Relief Society in her branch and asked if I would share my feelings for her last lesson. (Yes, she learned Spanish while there. She's amazing.) 

Her question:

How has God guided and strengthened you as your desire to have children is not yet fulfilled?

We have two women in our branch that are going through this very trial, and it has been heartbreaking for them.  The lesson is, "I Seek Not My Own Will, but the Will of the Father."

My answer: 
*I wrote this in about 15 minutes and copied and pasted it directly from the email so please excuse any typing flaws.

Healing came slow, but eventually after years of trying to get pregnant and all the yuck that comes with that, I felt the need to change my prayers from “help us get pregnant”, to “Heavenly Father I am ready for your will not mine so what do we need to do?”  Before that I had shrugged adoption off thinking it was way beyond my capabilities emotionally and financially.  But shortly after I changed my prayers, adoption kept popping up everywhere I went and with everyone I talked to.  My heart slowly softened to the thought and Gregg and I eventually became ready to pray and fast to see if adoption was the right path to choose. 

Until then I can say there was a lot of confusion.  In all honesty I felt as if Gregg and I had been forgotten.  I felt that my prayers had not been heard and maybe I was unworthy of what I was asking for.  I can see now, that during that time it was the Lord helping me morn a loss.  Meaning, I needed to morn a child that would never be and forgive my body for not being able to bear children.  I needed that time.  Not only to morn, but to grow and become a better wife and have a strong relationship with my husband.  I know even now that I needed that time for things I still don't quite see, but that the Lord does.  It is said in the adoption world that if you do not go through the grieving of what could have been, that you are not ready for the next step of what can be.  It was a hard time for me, but I don’t ache for it anymore. 

Our answer to adopt came when we were ready to hear it.  The Lord had softened us and prepared us.  One fast Sunday we fasted that we would receive and answer to see if adoption was right for us.  I remember after our couple prayer, I went into our bedroom and gave a silent prayer “humbly” begging to have a clear answer. 

Well wouldn't you know that there was a baby blessing of twins that day.  I hated baby blessings and had a hard time sitting through them.  The twins were grandbabies of some people in our ward whose daughter was not active.  This daughter stood up to talk over the pulpit which was a surprise being she wasn't a fan of the church at that time.  She then told how her twin boys were adopted and that she was also adopted.  She shared her feelings of adoption and how it has been an immense blessing in her life.  Gregg and I both felt the spirit very strong and knew she said those things for us.  You see, our prayers are usually answered through someone else.  If that wasn't confirmation enough her mom and dad also stood and bore their testimonies of the blessing of adoption.  It was as if the spirit was screaming at us that adoption was right. 

After that experience every time I prayed about adoption I felt the strong burning that we were on the right path.  We were not forgotten after all! 

Fast forward to the day that we took our little girl to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity.  They let Gregg and I spend some time in the Celestial Room before the sealing.  At one point we were all alone in the huge Salt Lake City Temple Celestial Room.  To say the spirit was strong is an understatement.  I feel it as I write this.  I had a strong thought come into my mind saying “Lacey, this was your plan all along.  Isn't it wonderful?” 

My plan was better than anything I could have imagined for myself.  I KNEW that our savior cried with me, and hurt as I did all those years before.  The atonement is real and not just to wrong our sins.  HE felt our pain and knows exactly how we feel. 

The joy I felt that day was beyond that of any other day. My testimony grew a millions times bigger and when I feel my faith dwindling I often think of that day and how I knew with a surety the I have a plan and Heavenly Father knows me and loves me.  It has helped in times since when things have not gone my way to know that there is something I need to learn and when it’s all said and done I will be a better person because of it.  I trust in Him so much more.  (though I still have why me days.)

The ache of not bearing children is now a memory.  Sure, I have moments here and there, but I can chat with pregnant girls about their growing bellies and not even feel a sting.  Gregg and I both believe families come in many different ways and they come when they are meant to come.  Because I gave up my own will and truly wanted to know His will, my life here on Earth has been more beautiful and rewarding than I could have ever imagined.  I learned I am a lot stronger than I thought and that I can do hard things.