Last Day

Emme had her final day at her therapeutic school today.  She's been going there five days a week for a year and a half.  Boy, have we had our ups and downs while she's attended.  She is not the same girl she was when she started.  The program is amazing and I am so thankful we live close to it. I know our moving to where we live was not by chance.  We will still see her therapist and psychologist there until she's six so I'm thankful for that.  Let's just move on before I start to cry.

Here is a list of things I will miss.  Eeerrr....something like that.

---Walking Emme into school looking like I just crawled out of the gutter.  ---Ok bed, but it might as well be the gutter for how awesome I looked.  I could put those "only at Walmart people" to shame.  When she first started I would put a little cover up on my face and maybe some jeans.  Today I went with greasy hair, sticking up bangs, a brown hoodie, no bra or undershirt, black exercise pants, and gray Toms.  Most days I just threw boots on over my pajama pants and left.  My face alone is a force to be reckoned with right now.  Acne is the new black right? Ya'll I just don't care.  Emme got to school looking pretty darn cute most days, so kudos to me!

---The dude holding the sign for the oil changing car place.---  On a cold winter day I almost gave you my gloves.  You were holding the special of the day (which never actually changed) with gloveless hands and I just couldn't bare the thought of you going all winter like that.  I pulled up really close and right as I was rolling down my window you stomped out your cigarette and dragged your gloves out of your pocket.  If cars could do an awkward moon walk out of a parking lot, then I nailed it that day.  To be very serious though, you impressed me with your dedication and endurance.  No matter the weather, you were out doing your job.  We could all learn a lot from you.

---The back and forth drive.  I won't miss you.

---Sonic.  Thanks for being close by.  I think we all know how I feel about that place.

---Emme's teachers/angels.  You are rockstars. You truly love those kids.  Thanks for throwing Emme a Last Day party and going out of your way to buy her gifts.  I have a feeling there will be a meltdown come Monday morning when she finally understands she won't be seeing you anymore.

---The cop that sat at the same spot every day.  Dude, find a new trap already.

---Being able to shower.  Goodbye nice smelling Lacey.

Emme with her teachers.  For real, I love them.  The one on the left has been crying all week about Emme leaving.

Super Nanny 911

Several months ago Emme's therapist referred us to a program that would help us specifically in our home since we were still having some major issues at the time.

It's an eight week program that's essentially like the show Super Nanny.  A lady observes us for a week and then teaches us all new skills for the next 7 weeks.  She spends about 8-10 hours with us every week so it's pretty intense.

I forgot all about it until I got a phone call recently saying we could start the next day.  I was a bit nervous to have someone in our home for such an extensive amount of time.  I mean, who can keep their house clean for that long?!  Not to mention every weakness I have would be on display and scrutinized extensively.  For real...no one needs to know that I rarely cook dinner and drink 44oz Dirty Diet Cokes on the daily.  Did I say that out loud?

We started a few weeks ago and just got done with the observation stage.  I just learned my first new skill on Friday and Emme will start working on her's this coming week.  I was pretty skeptical at first, but now I can't say enough how grateful I am to be a part of this program.  Our helper was very complimentary of me and even started me a few steps ahead since I was somewhat doing what they teach already.  Let me just toot my own horn here...toot toot.

Everything they teach is written down in a binder and put in steps which is exactly how my brain works.  I love that we have somewhat of a plan and have someone right there to help us implement the new tools.  Will it fix Emme's ADHD?  Not necessarily, but it will help her to learn how to deal with frustrations and how to cope in situations that are difficult for her.  It will also give us as parents the keys to support her now and in the future.  

I'm so proud of Emme and the hard work she has done to get to where she is.  She has to overcome so much every day just to accomplish simple tasks that other kids her age just know naturally.  So many people mention how they don't know how we handle Emme's intensity every day, but Emme is the one with the disability.  She is the one that has to struggle and try to retrain her brain all day every day.  She is a fighter.

If Only to Understand

Last week we had a morning full of accomplishments.  Emme had a couple bites of cereal, her teeth were brushed, and she had matching socks on.  She screamed at Corbin in the car, but it was quickly put to rest when I started singing "Apples and Bananas."  We both giggled when we sang Ooples and boonoonoos.  We were only three minutes late getting her to school.

After a long day she came home, grabbed both her and Corbin's drinks out of the fridge, handed Corbin his milk then dragged his head on her lap while they downed their sippy cups together.  It was a perfect day.  Sure there were probably tantrums here and there and Corbin is more than needy right now while he cuts his last molar, but it was normal.  I felt like a mom of a four year old and a 15 month old.  Something that is anything, but THE normal around here.

It's amazing what 2 years of therapy, being in school full time, and a change in medication can do for a child with ADHD.  I feel like I'm finally getting to know the real Emme.  I feel like she's finally getting to know herself.  We still have daily struggles, but life is more manageable than it once was.

Not everyone agrees with our choices as parents.  It's easy to judge other parents.  Even easier when their child has behavioral issues.  How do I know? I've been there.  I knew all the answers at one point as well.  It was a hard pill to swallow when all the answers I knew didn't fit the questions to my child.  Slowly, but surely I began to realize not all situations are created equality.  My judgement walls were broken down.

Ultimately, I want what's best for my children.  I want them to know God.  I want them to know how to make wise choices.  I want them to learn how to succeed despite trials and setbacks.  I pray for them.  I seek guidance for them.  I cry over them.  We've put time, money, sweat, and tears into helping Emme be as successful as she can be.  We will continue to do that for both of our children.

It's so easy to know what's best for others.  It's simple to state what you would do if you were in their shoes and had a child like theirs.  I ask that we swallow our harsh words and oversharing of "I know best" articles on Facebook.  Offer support and a desire to understand despite what you choose to do for your own family or what you think you would choose for someone else's.  Our little family would be so much more productive if there were more people willing to try and understand Emme instead of hearing she has ADHD and assuming they know everything there is to know because they've heard a story or two of what ADHD entails.  Mean words, evil looks, and worse of all... wordy Facebook shares have never been very helpful.  The same goes for a lot of situations.

Difficulty in Motherhood

When Emme was born, I felt nothing but joy.  Honestly.  I was tired, sure, but I loved everything about having a baby.  I loved seeing her car seat in my rear view mirror.  I loved taking her to the store so others could ooo and ahhh over her.  I loved feeding her and making bottles.  I loved dressing her up for church.  I loved when Gregg came home from work and we sat and played with her until bed time.  I even loved changing her bum because she would giggle and giggle.  All of my dreams had finally come true.

When Corbin was born, I still felt joy.  Another miracle.  Another beautiful baby.  Not just one, but two car seats in my rear view mirror.  Having kids, children, munchkins, instead of a kid, a child, a munchkin.  It was surreal.  It still is.   

Life was such a contrast from when Emme was born.  After we brought Corbin home Gregg immediately started a new block in grad school. Which meant I was alone most of the time.  Corbin started to become fussier and fussier and refused to nap.  He would cry from morning to night and nothing I did would comfort him.  The change was not easy for Emme to deal with.  She became extremely violent towards Corbin and me.  I couldn't set him down for a second for fear that should would hurt him.  Occasionally, she would even sneak in his room and wake him up by hitting him in the face.  When and if he would even nap.  His constant crying drove her through the roof which made her even more aggressive.  She hated when I would feed him and would attack Corbin and me relentlessly.  I remember holding her back with my foot while trying to hold Corbin in one hand and the bottle with the other. Her ADHD was out of control and she was completely off balance.  She wasn't capable of holding still for five seconds let alone watching a whole show.  She never stopped.  The only break I had was when she went to school for a few hours, but it was never enough.  

I was more exhausted than I ever thought possible.  When Gregg would come home at 9:30pm I was already in bed sobbing myself to sleep.  I remember telling him and I wasn't meant to be a mom.  In fact I hated being a mom.  

He saw this as a red flag and reached out to a few family members for help the nights he was at school.  It was embarrassing, but I knew I needed it.  After a couple times, I could tell it became more of a chore for them so I started to lie when they asked if they were still needed.  My pride wouldn't allow me to let anyone know how terrible I was really feeling and how much help I really did need.  It wasn't their fault that I couldn't handle two children.  I couldn't inconvenience them.  

I felt so alone.  I was mad at Gregg for constantly being gone and simple because he got to leave every day.  Never have I been so homesick for my family.  Never have I wanted to run away so bad. 

I prayed for relief, patience, and for Corbin to stop crying.  I prayed for just one good day. 

I was in a full blown depression.

Slowly, but surely the days got a little better.  Emme was put on medication and for the first time I felt like we were getting to know the girl behind the disorder.  It was life changing.  At about six or seven months Corbin finally started growing out of his reflux and colic.  I was finally able to run an errand or two without him SCREAMING throughout the store.  I had a friend receive a divine prompting that I needed help and offered her services.  I took it desperately and happily.  Eventually, I realized I was looking back on the hardest part instead of drowning in it.

We still have days or even weeks that are terribly difficult.  We received a huge blessing when Emme qualified to be in preschool through the school district on top of being at a therapy school.  She requires a huge amount of structure and routine.  Our schedule is pretty much the same at our house every day, but it's not to the severity she needs.  It's almost impossible to do unless you have multiple adults helping out.  I'm freaking out about summer just a tad...

The moral to the story is, we made it past a difficult time and grew as a family for the better.  Emme continues to mature and learn and is our little comedian.  Corbin is our shy momma's boy and is usually happy unless in the car or stroller.

I hope by being honest about my experience it will help someone else not feel so alone.  Cheers to all us mom's out there who just need a nap.  I commend you.  

Down to Business

I haven't been completely honest the last few months.

My heart yearns to write and share my thoughts on the whole truth and nothing but the truth about raising a child with severe ADHD.

Then there is this part of me that only worries about what others will think of me as a mom and as a person in general.  Will I seem ungrateful for the miracle that Emme is to our family?  Will I be way too negative about her and allow others to talk negatively about her as well?  Do my readers understand what ADHD really means and how disabling it can be?  How many terrible comments will I receive because we have chosen medication as a way to help Emme?

Point being, I have filtered our life as to create a facade of what our day to day really looks and feels like.  The reality is times are hard.  I'm sure someone could handle my situation a millions times better than me, but this is what I need to go through in order to grow and learn and become the person I'm suppose to be.

With that said, I realize there are tougher things in life than a child with ADHD and a husband who I only see on Sundays.  I gave a talk in church months back and talked about how we had learned that parenting would be a lot different for us than most.  After sacrament I had a lady ask what was wrong with Amy?  Caught off guard a little I stuttered out that Emme had ADHD.  She let out a big sigh, admitted she hadn't been listening very closely and that things could be a lot worse for us.  She thought "Amy" had cancer or something life changing like that.  My temper getting the best of me I spit back, " I realize that, but it's still hard for us!"  Then I walked away.

Although she went about it in a tactless way, I get it.  There are bigger stresses.  My child is healthy and my husband is just at school.  I get to sleep next to him every night.  There are many blessings in our family and I try to count each one. Trust me, I get it.

Speaking of blessings, I am thankful that we even have children.  What I've come to realize is that there are many who don't understand that my children were always meant to come to Gregg and me.  It was all predetermined.  I believe it with all of my heart.  Adoption is amazing.  I will never be more grateful than I am for my children and the change adoption put in me.  They are mine just like any other mother who bore her babies.  We just had to search a little harder for each other.   Thank the heavens for their birth mother and birth families.  They are our angels here on earth.  Let it be known that we do not target them for any imperfections in our children.  Are my children's genes different from ours?  Of course! Does that matter?  No!  Gregg and I have good and bad genes just like the rest of the world and they could have been passed on to our biological offspring.  Plus, I love that Emme has platinum blond hair, and both of my kids have striking blue eyes. They didn't get it from me, and that's okay.

A fault a lot of adoptive couples make, I know we did, while waiting for their miracle and in the early years is to put themselves as parents and their future children on a pedestal.  You may have to read that one twice.  It's sets you up to fail people.  Parenting is hard no matter what.  Just like any child from any beginning they can drive you nuts.  You are a regular parent just like every one else.  At least I am.  I didn't get any super human ability because we waited five years.  It doesn't make you a failure and it doesn't make you ungrateful.  Admitting Emme has some serious issues and that I'm not the awesome parent I imagined I'd be, does not make me ungrateful to adoption or her birthmom.  It makes me a parent.

As of late there have been some adults and children that have voiced their opinions about Emme.  It made me wonder if I was allowing that by being too honest about her.  It hurt my feelings and I couldn't sleep after one of the incidences.  We all know how I need my sleep.  I worried I was sharing too much of the ugly truth and that made it so others thought they could put Emme down or voice what they thought she would end up like.  I worried if I blogged too much about our experiences that Emme would be judged without someone really even knowing her.  Emme has so many awesome qualities and abilities. Gregg and I are her only true advocates and I want to make things better not worse.  My answer was this ::  I must also blog about her awesomeness so it can be known that she is really great sometimes.  ADHD can be a blessing in some ways and I need to discuss that as well.

Also, know that....

ADHD is real.  It is more than being hyper.  I do not medicate my child because she is just busy or because it makes my life easier.  It's a sensitive subject, but until you have had a child with a severe neurological disorder, you do not know what you're talking about.  Selling oils, knowing someone with ADHD, and hearing about a study does not make you an expert on the subject.  Until you are a specialized doctor or have lived day in and day out with a child like Emme, you don't know.  You don't.  I myself continue to learn.  Trust me there will be a whole post on this.

I realize there is a lot going on in this post, but now that this is all out there, I can continue on with the honest truth.  No more fluff.  If you want that you can follow my Instagram.  ;)  This blog is my outlet and a way to connect with others going through the same thing.  I need to voice my fears, worries, and thanks because it's healthier than keeping it all in and losing it one day.  I'd rather you not see me on the news as the crazy lady that ran away from life.  But if that happens to you or me I promise not to judge.

Holiday Fail

I really suck at hosting parties.  Let's just assume the domestic gene skips a generation because my mom is amazing at it.  I'm pretty sure there's scientific research behind that.

We have an exciting week ahead of us.  Corbin will officially and forever join our family.  It's the cherry on top of adoption.  For some reason it all brings a great deal of stress to my life.  Mainly because after the blessing at our church, there will be a big group of people coming to our house for a luncheon.   By stress I mean, panic.  And by panic I mean, I gave myself shingles when Emme was blessed.  SHINGLES!!  Who does that?  I'll tell you who...me.

My house is fine and all, but honestly it's not really my style.  We never have extra money for decorating and I never have extra time for cheap cutesy crafts.  Cleaning has also gone way down since Corbin came along.  I cannot keep up.  Plus, with having a salon in my home, all of my cleaning time is focused on that area.  One downside of working from home.

Big news flash::  Easter is this Sunday.  You would have no idea if you stepped in my house.  I have not one decoration up.  I wish it was because I decided to only focus on the spiritual aspects of things, but sadly it's not.  It should be, but it's not.  What's even worse is months ago we got tickets to Wicked not realizing it was Easter weekend.  I won't be with my kids Easter morning.  Mom of the year right here.  We're going to celebrate early, but still....I've really let the ball drop this year.

So with this all said, I woke up this morning and decided today would be dedicated to Easter activities.  After a one hour trip to Walmart with a screaming baby I was stalked up with everything I needed to give Emme a fun holiday experience.  

One small problem.  Emme doesn't give a crap.  I prepped everything for dying eggs and decorating sugar cookies while she took a short nap.  Within 30 seconds of being awake Emme had touched every cooling cookie she could reach and had a meltdown when I told her we had to wait for her friends to arrive so we could decorate together.  Baking is a ball of fun when your child is throwing chairs and punching you in the legs.

Our friends came shortly after and all of Emme's dreams came true when she was handed a knife full of purple icing.  Both of her cookies were frosted and eaten before the other two younguns even thought to ask if they could have one.

On to the next activity...dying eggs.  Four cracked before they hit the liquid and one never had the chance to change it's color, because it was purposefully smashed into the cement and smooshed into a million pieces.  See below photo.

Her two friends focused well on decorating their eggs and put some love into each one.  This proved that there are kids out there that understand and enjoy holiday staples.

After smoosh fest was over, Emme stole an already decorated egg and had it ride along with her in her pink car.  That became a bit boring so the only logical thing to do was to smoosh that one as well.  The ants in our back yard had a nice Thursday Fiesta.

Notice the butterfly sticker.

Maybe this is why Emme is mine.  I'm terrible at holiday fun and she only sees it as good destructive sensory play.  We were made for each other.  

Mother of Two Cont..

After Emme started school I still had moments of  "How am I going to do this?"  But, I also started to  have a few moments of "I can do this."

In Oct, Corbin joined the world.  He was the most handsome baby boy I had ever laid eyes on.  He proved to be the best newborn ever the first two weeks.  He was so sweet and never complained.

Then....we made it back from Idaho and Gregg immediately started back to school.  I was alone in the strange new world of being a mom of two.

Corbin started to become fussier and fussier as the days went on.  We switched his formula, but nothing changed. I tried probiotics, nothing changed.  It got to a point where he would eat an ounce or two and then just scream bloody murder for a couple hours.   Unlike Emme, he didn't really spit up, but apparently you can still have acid reflux without the vomit so we put him on some medication and changed his formula again. He finally started eating his whole bottle without screaming, but a few minutes after he was done eating he would start crying.  It didn't matter what I did or whether I held him or not.  He could not be comforted.  Gregg mentioned colic and few times and I immediately snapped at him.  It's not colic!  I just have to figure out his reflux!

Emme was on the rampage.  She loves babies so much, but she has no control over her need to squeeze and shake them.  If Corbin is in the room with her she runs to him like a moth to the flame.  Her body NEEDS to touch him and touch him hard in order to fulfill her sensory needs.  Putting Corbin down while they were both awake was not an option.  I have no doubt in my mind that she would have seriously hurt him.  She stopped napping despite my desperate prayers to please, please, please, just let her sleep today.

I felt so alone, because I was alone.  I started to become bitter towards Gregg simply because he was able to leave.  He didn't have to hear crying from Corbin or screaming from Emme All. Day. Long.  Emme stopped sleeping through the night so not only were we waking up with Corbin, but we also had to figure out how to get an overstimulated child back to sleep.  Many nights she was awake for hours.  Add that to not napping and you have one very violent child and a very exhausted mom.

Every time I fed Corbin, Emme would try to attack him.  I had to hold her off with my foot while she went ballistic.  Then she would grab anything in her path and throw it at us.  She also threw chairs, smeared poo, kicked walls, and slammed doors over and over.  I put her in her room to calm down and she would completely destroy it.

We were a mess.  I was having daily melt downs.  Many times when Gregg got home from school I was already in bed drowning in my tears.  I finally admitted to him I didn't like being a mom. I loved my kids, but I was at a complete loss on how to parent them.  It wasn't for me.  It sounds so horrible and ungrateful to say that especially after all I went through to be a mom.  That alone was the main reason I didn't reach out to anyone about it.  I knew there were so many women waiting to be mothers and here I was dreading every new day.

One day I remember calling Gregg practically begging him to come home and help me.  The reality is he just couldn't.  If you miss one class in grad school you're pretty much done for.  I don't think his professor would be very understanding if Gregg explained he had to go home because his wife is a crappy mother.  (my words not his)

On top of it all Corbin has been sick his entire life.  He's had RSV, Bronchiolitis twice, and Croup.  The poor kid can't win.  It doesn't help that Emme licks him any chance she gets.  And yes, I have heard of Doterra for heaven's sake!

Slowly, things started to get better.  I finally admitted Corbin had Colic.  We started feeding him Liquid Gold,  got his reflux medication dose right and figured out he only sleeps if he's on his stomach.  Not all at once, but eventually he got happier and happier.  The last few weeks he's even ridden in his car seat without screaming.  I've actually ran a few errands with him in tow!  He now sleeps through the night consistently and wakes up cooing.  He always waits patiently while I set him down so I can help Emme.  I seriously love the begeezees out of that kid.  His smile is the sweetest thing in the world.  I feel so blessed to have him in my life. He still has his grumpy times in the evening, but I can handle that.  That's normal baby stuff.

Emme's therapist sent us to a psychiatrist who prescribed a medication for her.  It has changed our life.  I never knew how bad things really were until after she started medication.  I know many people will judge us for it, but all I can say is we had a lot of thought and prayer go into it and don't point a finger when you've never been through it.   Her way of life is so much better.  It's not a cure all and problems still arise, but she is now capable of so much more.   She finally potty trained which I was starting to think would never happen.  She can walk from point A to point B without getting distracted.  She naps!  She tells stories, she's funny, and her tantrums have gone way down.  It's not all rainbows and sunflowers, but it's so much better.  She is still Emme and I'm thankful for that.  I wouldn't want her a zombie.  I told her therapist I was falling in love with her all over again.

 I know admitting my child is on medication will open up a can of worms, but it's truth.  She had been in school for six months and therapy for eight with little improvement.  Her brain was keeping her from moving forward.  I'm so tired of seeing people post articles on Facebook about ADHD and Autism and how to cure or prevent them, when they have absolutely NO first hand experience.  It's so easy to say what you would do if you were in someone else's shoes.  Just because you haven't had a child with these disabilities doesn't mean you did something right not to be faced with it.  It just means your trials have come in different ways.  I hope you are shown more patience with your struggles than we are when our child is throwing a tantrum in public.  But I digress....

Life is better now.  I can see the light and look back on the darkness.  I have an angel in my ward that has helped me more than I could ever repay.  She knows who she is.  The Lord told her I needed help and she obeyed.  I hope to be like her one day.  Know that I love my kids and I am so thankful for them.  Without a doubt they were always meant to come to me as if I birthed them.  Adopting doesn't make parenting easier but, I really try to be the best I can for them.  It's taken me a long time to write this post because I didn't want to put out the wrong impression, but I felt strongly I needed to share my struggles in adding a second child.  I learned recently that it's not guilt I feel, but shame.  Shame for not being perfect and NO one is perfect.

 Here's to going forward being a not so perfect mom, but to striving to be pretty darn good one.  

A Trio of Good Days

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I've been a little absent lately.  There have been some real lows when it comes to Emme's behavior and my attitude.  I just couldn't bring myself to share them.  I was telling her therapist yesterday, that there are days we just hold on and try to survive.  There is no reasoning on those days just a lot of damage control and tears.  On a particular hard day when Gregg had school, I had finally had enough and just started crying.   Poor sensitive Corbin starting crying in my lap and Emme who had been laughing in my face all day despite my fury, finally realized mom had lost it and started crying too.  I'm sure we were a nice sight.  Emme excitedly shared our cry fest experience with her therapist in our next session. I can only imagine what she thought. 

Despite having some really crummy days I feel it important to write that the last three days have been somewhat pleasant.  Emme has slept through the night AND napped all three days!  That's pretty awesome ya'll!  Sleep=a much easier Emme.  I met with her pyschiatrist a little while ago and we decided to make a few little changes.  For example, I now pick her up from school every day so she won't fall asleep on the bus.  Emme has now graduated to sitting in the seat closest to the driver which is the last resort before bus time goes bye bye.  I'm sure her bus driver is relieved to be Emme free for part of the day.  It's a pain to cut Corbin's nap short every day and drive 30 minutes round trip, but so worth it to have Emme nap at home.

Other Positive Emme Notes: 

No poo smeared mirrors. In fact she has been really good about the whole potty thing lately.  She's even been wearing two piece jammies which hasn't happened in over a year due to her poo obsession.  

She asked me to "please get her more milk" and brought me her sippy cup.  A more normal occurrence would be her throwing her empty cup while screaming hysterically. 

On three different occasions she expressed her desire to hit me and Corbin.  I congratulated her for using her words instead of immediately lashing out.  She answered with "yeah mom!  I didn't kick you!"  Good job my little bug. 

After one of her naps she came and got me and asked if I would lay by her because it was still sleep time.  After following her in her room she handed me her favorite blanket and her pillow pet then laid back down in her bed.  I can assure you that has never happened.   

She was focused enough after school to tell me about her day.  Sure it included throwing all the toys at her teacher, but this was big for me. Usually she is either too tired to function or honestly cannot keep a thought long enough to answer let alone understand or care what I'm asking in the first place.

While having a play date with a friend at Discovery Gateway she only hit one kid the entire two hours and that was only when him and his brothers were in her space big time and the "victim" stole her toy.  The mom was a major beast about it, but we'll talk more on that later.  Her therapist and I deemed it a huge success.

Here's hoping for FOUR pleasant days.  Wish me luck.

  

My Unhealthy Resolutions

You scare me '14. 

If I had one goal this year it would simply be to survive.  Which does not seem very simple at times. 

Gregg will be in the MBA program all year.  This is the only year that will happen as he started in May of 2013 and will end in May of 2015. Which kind of makes me sound like a baby now that I read that. It could be so much worse, but if you've read this blog for long you know that I am in no doubt a baby.  So wah...

Gregg being in school has been a huge sacrifice for us.  I feel like we are barely keeping our heads above ground.  Most days it's more like I'm sucking in dirt.  I just pray it's all worth it in the end.  This will be a hard 365 days though.

What is my plan of action to "survive" this year?  I have no idea, but I will tell you how I will make it through the ugly months of January and February.

Diet Coke.  It has become a delicacy as of late because Gregg stopped drinking soda months ago and it is no longer a staple in our home.  A trip to the drive through of Mickey Dees for their Diet Coke will be like a trip to paradise.  

TV.  After the kiddos go to bed and Gregg is at school or studying, you better believe I will be catching up on my favorite shows. Luckily, a bunch will start up this week.  I won't tell you which ones because a few are embarrassing,  but if you want a hint one of them rhymes with the thatchelor.

Books. I love to read, but this last year I only read a handful of books.  Escaping to a different time, place, or dimension is just what I need.  If it means less sleep, so be it!  Well, actually I really need sleep right now so I'll figure that all out later.  

Amazon. Thanks to Prime we are addicted to Amazon. It has cut down leaving the house tremendously.  With being alone a lot, working when Gregg IS home, a little girl who doesn't function in stores, and a baby who screams the entire time he's in a car seat, I don't like to set out of the house much.  I rarely make it to get groceries so Amazon is a perfect solution for miscellaneous items. 

Hot Chocolate.  It's so dang fattening, but oh so warm and creamy.  Plus, I've discovered Reddi Whip makes it that much more awesome.

Work.  It has been so amazing to have a salon in my home.  Had I not decided to do this before Corbin was born, things would be really messy right now.  The babysitter I had for Emme moved far away and with Corbin as sick as he was last month I wouldn't have been able to work at all.  I love that I can work while Gregg is home.  My clients are the best and I get adult interaction.  It's been such a blessing. 

Fast Food.  I hate you, but I love you.  I'm so tired as of late that my body screams for sleep.  Every muscle and every brain cell is crying in pain for some shut eye.  Corbin has slept through the night once, but Emme woke up several times that night.  She's has been struggling to stay asleep for the last few months.  A curse of ADHD.  What does that have to do with fast food?  I'm tired ya'll.  I don't have time to cook while Corbin is screaming and Emme is destroying.  I rarely make it to the store.  Good ol' Gregg has been picking things up during his lunch break.  So yes, fast food will have to do for a little while.  That and eggs.  We eat a lot of eggs.  

There you have it.  My survival guide 2.0.  I may come out of this year a little/alot heavier, and a little older looking, but I will still be standing.  Or crawling or rolling.  The point is... I will survive.

Apology from the Circus

Dear Doctor,

I would like to apologize for the unexpected circus show you were witness to today.  

Thank you for holding my baby while I took my three year old to the bathroom to clean up her poopy butt three seconds after you walked in the room.  I know you had a thousand other things you could have been doing.  Emme has decided to give up on potty training.  If you want to call it that.  She has been "training" for over a year and she could give a crap less.  Pun intended.

Sorry Corbin screamed for 99% of the visit.  I know how hard it is to concentrate with a screaming baby.  I'm glad you called for backup.  I'm pretty sure that nurse will forever dread our appointments.  Thanks to the chaos I paid no attention to my baby's stats and instead focused my energy on keeping Emme away from your computer and medical supplies.

If you at any point you looked at Emme and thought "wow, this little girl is like a rabid raccoon stuck in a cage," then we were on the same page.  She was extra feisty today.  Actually, that's just what I tell people so they don't think she's like that all the time.  She is.  

Speaking of raccoons, does she always treat Corbin like a juicy steak?  Why yes, yes she does. Don't worry,  I NEVER put him down if she's in the room with him. Thanks for being concerned for his safety and to answer your question, yes, it is exhausting.  

Also, thanks for breaking the news softly that my poor two month old has bronchiolitis and torticollis.   I look forward to spending the next three weeks stuck in the house while my sick little baby coughs up his lungs.  I also look forward to the added physical therapy appointments I totally have time for.  Not that I'm blaming you of course.  It's just a series of unfortunate events.  

Lastly, please personally apologize to your front desk ladies that my daughter emulated Darla from Finding Nemo.  If your fish hide from you for now on, you know who to blame.  I hope the big sticker you gave her comes off the tank eventually.  I tried my best to peel it off, but it was a lost cause. The sticker she stuck on the table shouldn't stick as long.  I wouldn't know though as I decided getting our Ringling show out of there was more important and your secretary readily agreed.  

When our time was finally coming to an end I saw the pity in your eyes.  Your words of kindness made me choke up and I could not speak.  I pray for the day our hard work pays off and you no longer look at me with sad eyes.  I love my children ADHD, colic, reflux, rabidness, and all.  I hope that shows through the shadows under my eyes.

Your patience was much appreciated.
  

Sincerely,
The Animal Handler  

The Wheels On The Bus Go....

Stay in your seat, stop hitting other kids, keep your shoes on.


I've mentioned before that Emme rides a bus to school.  When she first started at her therapy school, the bus gave me super anxiety.  I know Emme too well and knew she would get bored on the 45 min ride.  Bored means taking things into her own hands. 

Her BT assured me that they have been in business for 50 years and know what they are doing.  I was still very nervous, but long story short, once Corbin came around I knew it wouldn't be easy to go back and forth every day.

She loves her bus driver Joo wee (Julie) and looks forward to seeing her every day. 

As predicted, Emme got bored. She would do harmless things like taking her shoes and socks off and playing with the belt buckle next to her.   When I would pick her up she would proudly show me the work she had done. 

I would ask her if she was nice to her friends on the bus and she would usually tell me she hit them.  At least she's honest, right?  Although Emme admitted she was being mean to the other kids, Joo Wee never notified me of anything. She goes to school with kids just like her so I'm sure that type of behavior is common.  

So needless to say, when I got Emme off the bus last Thursday I could see in Joo Wee's eyes something was not good. 

"We have a situation."

"Uh, Oh."

"Emme got out of her seat belt.  I saw her standing on the seat at our last stop.  You need to help me reinforce that she needs to stay buckled."

I think in my head "if I could reinforce things like that she wouldn't be at this school."

I turn and say to Joo Wee, "I'm so sorry.  We usually zip tie her straps in our car."

She cuts me off, "We can't do that, it's unsafe.  If she doesn't stay in her seat she can't ride the bus anymore."

Emme and I proceed to get off the bus.  Me with my head hanging low and Emme clueless she is in trouble but very proud of her accomplishments.  

Emme ran into the backyard to jump on the trampoline (our daily routine) and I went inside a sobbed while I watched her out of the window.  It was happening.  Adults are starting to get frustrated with my child.  Not only does Emme not listen to me, she doesn't listen to anyone.  I had flashes of the future where teachers misunderstand Emme and she is in constant trouble.  It made my heart hurt for her. 

It didn't bother me so much that Emme got out of her seat belt, which is a 5 point harness by the way.  I was actually surprised it hadn't happened sooner. What bothered me was the exasperation in Joo Wee's voice.  I could tell she had done everything in her power to get Emme back in her seat.  She was at her wits end. I don't blame her.  I had the same feeling the day Emme got out of her seat belt on the freeway and opened the car door. Talk about panic. 

What I should have said to Joo Wee was; my child doesn't listen to me.  I have no control.  I'm a bad mom.  I zip tie my child's car seat straps.  It's apparently unsafe.  Maybe I'm just prepping her to be the next Criss Angel because let's be honest, she'll eventually figure how to get out of those too.  

We have a long road ahead of us.  One where Emme and I will make mistakes, one where adults and teachers will get frustrated with her, one where I will be judged harshly as a mom.  

Today though, today I don't care. I know she was meant to be mine.  Her mother chose me, I chose Emme, and most importantly Heavenly Father chose us to be a family.  I will fight for her no matter the cost.  No matter the tears.  No matter the judgment.  No matter the driving back and forth to school.

She was meant to be mine.

Mommy-Daughter Relationship

At my first appointment with Emme's BT (behavioral therapist), she asked how my relationship with Emme was.

It sounds funny, but I've never really thought of Emme and I having a relationship until further in life.  One where we look back and laugh at our struggles during her toddler years and I tease her about her children giving her payback.

It brought tears to my eyes because our relationship at this point is not where I would like it to be.  Back in the day when I thought about being a mom I pictured many things about what it would be like. Of course there was the good things hugs, kisses, reading books, singing songs, but I also knew there would be sicknesses, teaching to share, tantrums, and attitudes.  Although you can never truly understand parenthood until you've done it for yourself, I felt like my expectations were realistic.  I knew with the good there would be bad. 

Have you ever heard the analogy where you prepare for a trip to France only to end up in Holland?  Imagine the prep you do to go to France.  You reads books, learn phrases in French, picture yourself on the Eiffel Tower.  You're nervous about riding the metro and pick pocketers, but you've prepared well and your excitement out weighs any nervousness. Now imagine your trip finally comes. You board your flight and take a nice long rest only when you wake up you're in a completely different country than you were prepared for. It's beautiful and unique, but the language is different and all the travel books you packed are completely useless.  Now if you're going to survive and actually enjoy this vacation you're going to have to pick up all new material and change your whole way of thinking.  Now, it's not that Holland isn't amazing, it's just a whole lot different than France. 

I compare this to parenting Emme.  Like I've said before, I've read books on parenting and had long talks with Gregg about the kind of parents we wanted to be, but nothing prepared me for parenting a child like Emme. Like Holland, she is beautiful and unique, but she is a lot different than I ever could have imagined. I know in a way our children always surprise us in one way or another, but having a child with ADHD and a sensory disorder has completely thrown me for a loop.  I know she could have way worse things, but it doesn't mean it's easy. 

Going through infertility was rough. I had some real bad days of heartache and suffering. I thought for sure my hardest trial would be over when I healed from that pain.  Now I see that it only helped prepare me for the road ahead.  Emme is wonderful in so many ways and I love her and would never trade her for anything, but I worry about her future choices constantly.  She has so many abilities that are far greater than what I can accomplish in this life and I pray that we can help her see that.  

I hope one day she looks at us and sees how hard we fought for her.  How much we want her to keep her outgoing personality and funny character, but how we also want her to understand danger and consequences.  I hope she sees how much we love her and always will. 

I hope I can think of our relationship in a better way than I did the day I was asked that question.  We are getting there.  One hour at a time. 

I love this video that was shared on my Facebook. Maybe as moms, we're just a little too rough on ourselves and our sweet little children can see past our flaws. 

Watch Here

Therapy School Blues

Emme has been in therapy school for a little over two months now.  

She has three goals and her teachers rate her every day on them. 

I had an appointment with her Behavioral Therapist, Dr. J, not long after she started and wouldn't you know that Emme was an angel, following directions well and hitting all of her goals.  It made me feel a little sheepish.  Maybe Emme didn't need such an intense school. Maybe she could follow directions in a very structured setting.  Maybe it was me and my not so great parenting.  Dr. J reassured me that most kids go through a honeymoon phase meaning, they aren't familiar with their surroundings or teachers so they are on their best behavior. It's also typical that they lose it when they get home because they've held in their typical behavior all day. Emme had the biggest tantrums I've ever seen when she got home from school the first month or so.  Like, seriously possessed type tantrums. It was rough. 

It's not that I wasn't happy that Emme was doing so well at school, but how were they suppose to help her behavior at home if they weren't seeing that behavior at school? 

A couple weeks ago I had another appointment with Dr. J.  I was able to observe Emme behind a tinted glass during school while Dr. J and I talked about Emme's goals. I was even able to talk to one of her teachers while Emme was at recess.  Let's just say, honeymoon phase is over.  Now that Emme is comfortable with her classmates and teachers, her true colors are starting to show.  All of the behaviors we've been seeing are now coming out while at school. 

Overall, they still felt like Emme was doing well and Dr. J told me they have never had to go to her for help which is a really good sign. That was...until today. 

I got a phone call from Dr. J  today while Emme was still at school.  Apparently, Emme was really acting out. She peed her pants twice and was biting and hitting the other kids multiple times.  She became so out of control they had to consult with Dr. J.   Emme's side of the story was that she got to go read with Dr. J and that she needed me and was sad. Break my heart.  I wanted to hold and squeeze her forever to reassure her I would always be there. 

It seems to me that Gregg and I aren't the only ones feeling stressed right now.  I'm guessing Emme senses change and isn't sure how to handle it. Plus, she hasn't seen much of Gregg this week due to his finals at school, and that always shows in her behavior.  Emme is very sensitive to the emotions of others so I'm sure she can feel the anxiousness in our home.  Tomorrow will be another busy and stressful day for her so I'm very worried.  Her whole world is about to flip upside down.  I just pray she handles it well. 

Movies with Toddlers

My daughter is what I call one Busy Bee. She was diagnosed with ADHD at 2 1/2. Picture in your head how busy and crazy two year olds are. Now times that by twenty add in a sugar infused child around Halloween all day every day and you have my Mems. 

My husband and I love going to movies. Obviously when Ems came around our cinema trips went down significantly. We have talked about the day she could go to the movies with us since she was born.  Most of her peers are able to watch at least a short children's show or most of a movie. Mems not so much. Not that I want her watching tv all day, but I'll admit it would be nice to have a minute to change laundry or use the bathroom while my child is glued to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or whatever is on during that hour. 

So although I'm aware most of parents with toddlers do not have ADHD I still believe we can all benefit from some tips to slow down and focus our child so we can enjoy a lovely movie outing together. Or at least a somewhat successful night together. Or for heavens sakes just get us out of the house no matter the consequence later!  Man, toddlers are draining. 

Tips on Taking a Toddler to a Movie 

1.  Get their energy out.  Start before you leave the house. I have Em do what I call heavy work before she is asked to sit still for a long period of time. For example: jumping, pushing, carrying. I have Em jump a lot. Whether it's walking into the store, jumping off furniture, or a few minutes on the trampoline.  Sometimes I'll ask Ems to help me push a chair or we play a game where she tries to push me over. I've even pretended that a wall needs moved and tell her to push her hardest. You can fill a backpack to about %10 of their body weight and have them carry that around for 20 minutes or so. Weighted exercise balls are great for heavy work as well. There are oodles of games you could make up them. 

2.  Don't have too high of expectations. Even if your child is a movie addict, chances are neither of you have seen the movie and you have no idea if they're going to like it. Expect wiggling, loud talking, spilling, and kicking. I know I do.  Which brings me to...

3.  Be prepared.  Most important step!  If your theater has reserved seating choose a seat that will be best suited for your child. We like to go when we know the theater won't be crowded so we don't have to worry if Em dances in the aisle or kicks the seat in front of us. We ALWAYS sit in the end of the row. That makes potty/wiggle breaks much easier.  Have snacks, a drink, and sleep aids available. If your child likes movies and will stay engaged, awesome. If they're like my Ems chances are they'll be bored by the time the previews are over. Give Em popcorn and a drink and you've extended that time to at least 1/3 of the way through the movie.  Ems has sleep aids that she only gets during bedtime and naps. I like to bring a few to the movie (her collection grows daily).  It doesn't make her sleep, but it does calm her down immediately. Add a new snack and you have a few more minutes of attention.  If you're freaked out about the thousand calories your child will consume you could bring a busy book or something that will keep their focus. Don't use a phone. That's just rude to others around you. 

4.  Take a break.  About 3/4 through a movie Em is just done. That when we take a potty break. I let her jump down the aisle steps and run to the bathroom. She needs it by that point and as long as she's not bumping into people or screaming at the same time I thinks it's just fine. Once we go potty I let her jump in the hallway and climb the stairs back to our seats.  I only carry her if she tries to run away or starts grabbing people.  Occasionally that happens, but most of the time she is excited to get back and I want her to expel as much energy as possible in the process. 

5.  Go during your prime time. Never take a child during their nap time or bed time. NEVER. You are just setting them up for failure. They need to be well rested and in a good mood.  Did they miss or take a bad nap that day?  Then don't go.  Even if it has been planned for ages. If you choose not to take this advice, don't expect much from your child and DON'T get mad when they won't obey.  Ultimately you asked for it. 

6.  Be okay with leaving early. If things take a turn for the worst don't make it a bad experience for your child. Snapping and yelling at them won't make it fun for you or them.  You know your child's limits. If they are surpassed or getting close, it's okay to step out or go home. Leave on a good note. Empty threats and mad parents only show the child how to act in a movie.  Trust me, if you continue to harp on your child for their bad behavior it will only validate their actions and the next movie you take them to will be just as bad if not worse.  It's hard not to get upset, but remember, you're asking a lot from your child to sit so long and their ability to restrain themselves is low. 

Does it feel like too much work for you?  Then skip this activity. My love for movies and the need to get out of the house overpowers the work it takes. Plus, I love how excited Ems gets when I tell her we are going to a movie with popcorn.  It's a nice break in our routine and something she talks about for days. 

What are your tips and tricks?