Corrective Teaching

Find the first post to this series here.


Corrective Teaching

If you've started applying Preventative Teaching with your children, you're probably wondering, "what happens if my child still doesn't obey?"  Answer is...you go into Corrective Teaching.

There will be times where your child still misbehaves even if you've set them up for success.  There will also be many times where events happen in the moment and Preventative Teaching is not option.

Children are likely to test the waters ESPECIALLY when a new concept is being introduced.  It's healthy to test the limits to a point, but obviously there has to be some boundaries.  Expect major temper tantrums during the first few weeks.  They are called extinguish bursts.  Know this is normal and it will pass.  Push through.  Emme is no exception.  She has tried everything in her power to get us to revert back to our old ways.  There were many times I thought I was going to rip my hair out and run for the hills.  Most importantly when using these new tools STAY CALM and stick to the plan.


Steps

1.  Stop/Describe the problem behavior.
2.  Give a negative consequence.
3.  Describe the positive behavior. 



Simplified or How I Do It.

1.  "Emme, because you hit Corbin you get a consequence."
2.  "You need to sit by the wall for 4 min."
3.  "Good job doing your consequence.  I'm so proud that you did it right away."


I should explain that Emme is learning new skills as well.  She first learned some healthy coping skills, which I'll talk about another day, and second she learned to follow instructions.  When I ask her to do something she is supposed to follow the steps below.

I pretty much have to prompt her on every single one right now, but she is starting to say "OK, mom!"  If she fails to do what we've asked or doesn't follow through with the rules we've set up during Preventative Teaching then she gets a consequence.  

Consequences

Negative

Sarah wrote a bunch of different consequences on popsicle sticks.  The ones that have black tips are for more severe behaviors.  Pulling out a popsicle helps with the consequences being sporadic and less likely to predict.  If Emme knew that she had to go to time out every time she had a consequence it would most likely lose it's effectiveness.  

Only give one consequence at a time.  Building more and more consequences will make a kid feel defeated and then they will most likely give up completely.  They are only expected to do their consequence and whatever it is that you asked them to do before can play or do anything else.  

EXAMPLE

"Emme it's time to go potty!"  

"No mom, I'm not going!"

"Because you refuse to go potty you have to chosen to get a consequence."

Pull out a popsicle stick and read the consequence.

"It says to clean off the table.  Here is a wipe."

Wipes off table.

"The table looks so clean.  Good job!  Now it's time to go potty."

After she goes potty...

"I'm so proud of you for going potty!  You can go back to playing Barbies now."

**Note that it is not always this easy... especially in the beginning.

Positive

Positive consequences and praise are very important and in the long run, way more effective than negative.  Make sure that you are praising and reinforcing good behavior way more than you are giving negative consequences.  That doesn't mean you let bad behavior slide, just that you remember to praise the good behavior as well.  In the beginning it will be hard, and most likely they will be getting quite a few negative consequences as they test you, but it is especially important to praise praise praise the good behaviors.  It is more likely that they will follow direction if they have been getting positive feedback from you all day than it is if you've been nagging them.  If they have a day that they are especially pushing your buttons, work even harder to tell them the things they are doing right.  It can be as simple as thanking them for tying their own shoes, or sitting quietly for two seconds.  Praise doesn't always have to be after you've asked them to do something either.  It can be over something you just catch them doing already. 

Sarah also set up a pom pom jar for Emme.  Every time Emme earns four pom poms she get to put them in the jar and choose a prize from the prize box.  I went and bought a ton of dollar items I knew she would like.  I even mixed in a few pieces of candy.  

When she fills her jar up to one of the lines she gets a bigger prize.  So far she has earned two Barbies and she knows when she gets to the top she gets a big Barbie car.  I have to admit Emme hasn't been super thrilled with the whole pom pom thing, but she does love picking out the prizes.  I always make sure to tell her how proud I am that she EARNED her new prize.  Her face always lights up when I say it.  It's important to have small goals.  If it takes too long to get to a prize, your child may get bored of it really quick.  

Keep in mind prizes can be things like getting to play a game with you, or having time on the iPad.  Obviously a 16 year old will not care about a silly dollar toy.  Get creative.  

Never reward negative behavior.  This is tricky.  Things like "If you stop crying you can have a sucker," or "If you stop screaming you can play with the iPad," are not going to stop bad behavior long term.  

A more effective way would be, "Because you are crying you need to pull a consequence."  

Then only after they are calm and finished with their consequence can you reward them.  

"You earned a sucker because you calmed down and did your consequence."

Real Life Examples

If your child is more compliant they may feel bad and want to fulfill their consequence quickly to earn your affection once again.  If that is the case, then hooray for you! Give them poms poms for doing their consequences right away.   That was not the case with my super defiant/independent child. 

She was really excited about the consequences on the popsicle sticks at first and acted in ways that she knew would earn them.  Cleaning sounded really fun to her the first day, so she did everything in her power to get in trouble.  Even though I was freaking out inside I kept my cool because I was told this would happen and I finally had a plan.  

After about a day and a half Emme started to refuse to do her consequences.  Cue, extinguish bursts.  They were big and they weren't pretty.  When this happens you go into what is called Intensive Teaching.  That will be my next post, but to keep it a little more simple I'm going to stick with Corrective for today. 

So for now I will give real examples of when Emme has done her consequence right away.  This didn't happen until we had been implementing the program for about a week and a half.  So stick to your guns even if it feels like they'll never comply.  

EXAMPLE 1. 

Emme was spitting in Corbin's face which earned an immediate consequence.

"Because you are spitting in Corbin's face you have earned a consequence." 

Consequence was sitting in time out for 4 min.  

Emme said "OK mom, that was really bad that I spit in his face."  Shocking I know!  Is this my Emme?!

Emme walks to the wall and sits down. 

"You are doing such a good job doing your consequence."  "Thank you for doing it right away!"  

Usually I give her some more positive prompts while she sits there.  

After four minutes.

"I'm so proud that you finished your consequence."  "Let's give you a pom pom for sitting there the whole time."

EXAMPLE 2.

After doing Preventative Teaching before going to Sam's Club Emme still didn't behave.

"Emme, remember the rules.  I need you to keep a quiet voice."

Emme continued to scream.

"Because you are still screaming we need to go sit in the car while dad finishes the shopping and you don't get to earn your cookie on the way home."

Emme walked calmly to the car with me.  

"You are doing a really good job walking by mom."  

Then we went and sat in the car.  Eventually, she wanted to go back into the store and was upset she couldn't have a cookie, so I empathized with her.

"I know, it's so sad that you chose to scream instead of having a cookie."   

She whined some more about it, then found a nearby marker she had in her carseat and drew all over her pants.  

"Mom, I drew all over my pants because you wouldn't let me have my cookie."

"Uh, oh Emme.  Right when we get home you need to pull a consequence because writing on our pants is not okay.  You also chose not to have a cookie when you wouldn't stop screaming."

We were going straight home so I knew she'd still understand why she was getting a consequence.  If we were going anywhere else I would have made up a different more immediate consequence.  

We got home and she did her consequence right away.  I praised her and gave her some pom poms for completing her task then we moved on with our day.

Technically that was two consequences, but because she had already fulfilled the first one and she did a new separate act, I felt it was okay to give her another one.

Next Time...

Next topic will be Coping Skills and Intensive Teaching.  I will also talk about Baiting and If/Then statements.

You may want to pause on implementing Corrective Teaching until you learn Intensive Teaching.  If your child is anything like Emme there will be hell to pay when you consistently start using these new tools and you will need to know what to do when the tantrums hit.  Get ready to put your game face on friends!

This is a lot of info to take in and it's late at night that I'm writing this so please feel free to email me abarnowlsview@gmail.com or leave a comment below if you have questions.  

Preventative Teaching

As I have talked about before we are in a parenting program right now.  It has been insightful and needed, but also hard and sometimes even gut wrenching.  I've decided to write about the tools I'm learning because it has already changed the course of our lives as parents and I know it could help others.

For anyone who is wanting to look into the program first hand, it is through Utah Village and is called Families First.  The University of Utah does a study on it every year to make sure it is still effective.  In fact my niece works at a residential home for teenage girls and uses the exact same program.  Quite interesting if you ask me.  Sara* (name changed) our specialist works with ages up to 18 and uses all of the same tools.  My point being...it works for all ages and with some of the hardest behaviors.  Now I do want to point out that I do believe Emme needed to be in a place where she could actually slow down and focus on what's being taught.  Thanks to the right medication and hard work our therapist felt like Emme was in a place where she could learn and actually retain the information she was being given.   There was a time it was not so.  But, I digress...

The first skill I learned was Preventative Teaching and guys... it is life changing.  With this skill we noticed more of change right away whereas the other skills took some more work to see improvement.

 Note* most of this info is straight from their handbook and not my from my own genius mind.

Preventive Teaching

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
-Benjamin Franklin

When to use________

1. When your child needs to learn something new.
2. When your child has behaved inappropriately in the past.
3. Always at a neutral time. 

Steps________

1. Positive motivation statement
2. Introduce the skill and steps
3. Reason for using the skill
4. Demonstrate skill
5. Youth Practice (at least 3 times)
6. Praise and feedback
7. Positive consequence (reward)
8. Preventive prompts

Simplified_________

1. Tell them something positive.   ex. - "You are doing such a good job sitting quiet right now."
2. Talk to them about how you want them to act later.  ex. - "Later we are going out to eat and I want you to stay in your chair, keep your voice quiet, and ask mom or dad for their phone if you get bored."
3. Reason.  ex. - "because we enjoy our dinner more when everyone uses their quiet voice and stays seated."
4. Reward.  ex. - "if you do that we can stop for a cookie on the way home."
5. Practice.  ex. - "Let's play restaurant and show each other how we're going to act tonight at dinner."

**To be honest I don't always give a reason, because at Emme's age the least amount of words I say the better she can remember everything.  We also tend to skip practicing here and there and it still seems to work fine.  I usually just remind her of what I expect of her a few more times throughout the day.

Real Life Situations__________


We noticed an immediate difference after introducing Preventative Teaching.

Before... Emme was running away and refusing to go to class at school.  She would kick me and scream the second she saw me after school.  She was hitting and biting friends during school.  She was getting scores of 2s and 3s (five being the best) on her goals.  Church was hell (is that an oxymoron?) because she was escaping from primary and running through the halls.  She occasionally would throw a chair and scare the other kids.  She'd lay on the floor next to the person doing sharing time and roll around.  She'd come into my class while I was teaching and take apart my bag.  Once she even cut her dress.  Seriously guys....Church...!!   At restaurants she would refuse to stay in her seat and crawl all over the dirty floor under the table.  She'd scream and run around the table.  Getting her into the car at any time was like catching a squirrel while it's running up a tree.  The list goes on and on my friends.

After... Emme went right to class, treated her friends nicely, scored 5s every day, and walked straight to the car after school without screaming or hitting me. At church, she has stayed with her class every single week and hasn't disrupted the group once or run away.  Serious miracles.  She has improved immensely at restaurants, but still gets pretty wiggly.  She no longer spends it on the disgusting floor though and to that I call it a success.  85% of the time she gets into the car with no problems and I no longer have to catch her and physically put her in the car.


Things to Note_________

Praise is key and you can never use too much of it.  Find ways to uplift your child all the live long day.  Especially, when you feel like they are underserving of it.

Positive consequences, like giving rewards, changes the way the brains thinks and acts where as negative doesn't.  Don't freak out... I'm not saying you can't use negative consequences only that positive is what brings the long term change.  I'll talk about negative and positive consequences in another post.

Rewards can be anything.  Treats, reading a book together, getting to go to the park, getting to play their favorite toy, extra time on a device.  Whatever floats your kid's boat.


Questions?_______

Feel free to comment or email me abarnowlsview@gmail.com

I'll answer the best I can!

He Will Send Angels

The week before Corbin was born my anxiety was at an all time high.  I was so nervous of what was to come.  There were so many what ifs.

What if "M" changes her mind?

What if Corbin's birth dad or his family hates us?

What if I can't handle two kids?

What if Emme freaks out even more?

What if? What if? What if?

I asked Gregg to give me a priesthood blessing of comfort the night before we left to get Corbin.  In it he promised that this little boy WOULD be joining our family and things would work out with the adoption.  He then advised me to not be afraid to seek help after I was a mother of two.  Most importantly, I needed to accept the help that was offered.  A task that is very hard for me to do.

About a year ago I had something I like to call a MOM DAY.  Emme was particularly out of control.   I don't remember much of the details, other than she would NOT take a nap and was very over stimulated.  I'm sure I had been hit, kicked, spit at, and gotten hair ripped out.  I NEEDED her to sleep so I could refresh a little.  At that point she was still in a crib and not climbing out of it, which was a miracle in and of it self.  When I put her down for a nap that day she became a caged animal flailing and screaming and throwing.  I eventually tried rocking her, but she just slapped and head butted me so I'd put her back in her crib.  After hours of this I completely had a mental break down.  I dramatically fell on my bed and did the ugly cry while I could hear Emme flipping out in her crib.  I pleaded in a prayer that He would send help.  I was teaching a lesson the next Sunday in Young Women about Heavenly Father sending help through others when we really needed it.  I remember thinking "Where is my help?"  I sobbed and sobbed and some where along the way I fell asleep out of exhaustion while Emme screamed and banged the wall in the room next door.

The next thing I remember was someone opening my bedroom door.  It makes me tear up even today just thinking about it.  I saw that it was my husband and then quickly checked the clock thinking "did I really sleep that long?"  It was hours before he was supposed to be home and I was so confused.  He told me something about a meeting, no lunch, and getting to come home early.  That has NEVER happened.  I don't recall him ever coming home way early without it being in his work schedule well in advance.  He could see I was in distress and I told him it had not been a good day.  He told me to go back to sleep and that he would take care of everything.  Emme had fallen asleep somewhere along the way and I returned to my slumber knowing he was home to carry the weight when she woke up.  I taught my lesson in confidence that Heavenly Father does indeed send help when needed.

There have been many times where I could use outside help or even just some super hero sized patience during my time parenting Emme, and none has come.  Then there have been times when all hope is lost and I'm at the point of desperation where help has showed up out of the blue.  I'm not sure the difference.  Each time seems pretty unbearable to me yet sometimes I am sent help and others I am not.  I can only believe that in some moments I am meant to be polished and changed and others I am shown that I am not alone and yes, He will help lift my burdens.

Last week was one of the hardest in my life.  I watched a dear friend lay her sweet baby boy to rest.  The heartache was something I can't describe.  I wish I could take away some of her pain, but I know I can't.  Instead I just held her and cried with her.  There is a whole post coming about the experience.  Throughout it all I was dealing with the news that my dad had colon cancer.  He had surgery on Thursday to remove the cancer and we were all on edge wondering if it had spread.  Thank goodness from what they can tell before testing it hasn't.  Needless to say, my emotions were rail thin.

Due to work, a Dr. appt, and these big events I had to find babysitters for five different occasions.  An almost impossible task.  Thankfully, I was being watched over and the Lord sent His earthly angels to help me.

Four beautiful women came to my aid last week and said yes to watching my children without hesitation.  Each one of them have major things happening in their lives right now that I wasn't aware of until later, but they took my kids in regardless and without complaint.  My sweet cousin who lives 45min away brought her whole family to my house to watch my kids while I attended the viewing.  She even took work off to play the piano for me while I sang at the funeral.  Come to find out she has a major medical issue going on right now, yet she didn't even bring it up.  She knew I needed her and she came.  Her name kept popping into my head every time I tried to think of who could accompany me.  The Lord knew she would obey and she did.

The day after my dad's surgery I really wanted to spend time at the hospital.  I saw my dad for a little bit the day before, but he was still groggy.  Plus, I wanted to make sure my mom was able to have relief and change her clothes and shower from spending the night at the hospital.  I asked a few people to watch my kids but, they already had other obligations.  I cried and felt sorry for myself that I couldn't be there, but I had already used my go to friends enough and I couldn't bother them again.  A little while later, I received a message from a new friend that I had met through the adoption community.  She had text me earlier in the week to see what she could do, but at that time I didn't need anything.  She once again sent, "How can I help you?"  Not, call me if you need anything, but how can I help?  I text her and asked if she'd be willing to watch my kids that day and she immediately responded with, "when are you bringing them over?"  Corbin cried almost the whole time for her and yet she was always so positive and told me not to worry.

The other two women were just as amazing.  One offered to help even though she already had two extra kids and had mine twice already.  The other was selling her house and had to gather up three sleeping children last minute to accommodate a showing.

What wonderful examples to me.  They had every reason to tell me no, yet they didn't even hesitate to say yes.  I strive to be like them.

My brothers and sisters, we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers. We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us.   President Thomas S. Monson General Conference Oct. 2009

I needed those four women more than they will ever know.  The Lord depended on them and they came through.  It made me evaluate my own life.  Was I listening to the promptings of helping others or was I ignoring them?  Am I even getting promptings anymore or has the Lord given up on trying?

Most days I feel as though I'm barely surviving.  I'm usually throwing a pity party for myself and not even thinking of others.  My goal is to be more like these women and less like myself.  Service is a little like sacrifice.  If it doesn't put us out of our comfort to do it then what are we really learning from it?

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there? 

A Trio of Good Days

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I've been a little absent lately.  There have been some real lows when it comes to Emme's behavior and my attitude.  I just couldn't bring myself to share them.  I was telling her therapist yesterday, that there are days we just hold on and try to survive.  There is no reasoning on those days just a lot of damage control and tears.  On a particular hard day when Gregg had school, I had finally had enough and just started crying.   Poor sensitive Corbin starting crying in my lap and Emme who had been laughing in my face all day despite my fury, finally realized mom had lost it and started crying too.  I'm sure we were a nice sight.  Emme excitedly shared our cry fest experience with her therapist in our next session. I can only imagine what she thought. 

Despite having some really crummy days I feel it important to write that the last three days have been somewhat pleasant.  Emme has slept through the night AND napped all three days!  That's pretty awesome ya'll!  Sleep=a much easier Emme.  I met with her pyschiatrist a little while ago and we decided to make a few little changes.  For example, I now pick her up from school every day so she won't fall asleep on the bus.  Emme has now graduated to sitting in the seat closest to the driver which is the last resort before bus time goes bye bye.  I'm sure her bus driver is relieved to be Emme free for part of the day.  It's a pain to cut Corbin's nap short every day and drive 30 minutes round trip, but so worth it to have Emme nap at home.

Other Positive Emme Notes: 

No poo smeared mirrors. In fact she has been really good about the whole potty thing lately.  She's even been wearing two piece jammies which hasn't happened in over a year due to her poo obsession.  

She asked me to "please get her more milk" and brought me her sippy cup.  A more normal occurrence would be her throwing her empty cup while screaming hysterically. 

On three different occasions she expressed her desire to hit me and Corbin.  I congratulated her for using her words instead of immediately lashing out.  She answered with "yeah mom!  I didn't kick you!"  Good job my little bug. 

After one of her naps she came and got me and asked if I would lay by her because it was still sleep time.  After following her in her room she handed me her favorite blanket and her pillow pet then laid back down in her bed.  I can assure you that has never happened.   

She was focused enough after school to tell me about her day.  Sure it included throwing all the toys at her teacher, but this was big for me. Usually she is either too tired to function or honestly cannot keep a thought long enough to answer let alone understand or care what I'm asking in the first place.

While having a play date with a friend at Discovery Gateway she only hit one kid the entire two hours and that was only when him and his brothers were in her space big time and the "victim" stole her toy.  The mom was a major beast about it, but we'll talk more on that later.  Her therapist and I deemed it a huge success.

Here's hoping for FOUR pleasant days.  Wish me luck.

  

The Wheels On The Bus Go....

Stay in your seat, stop hitting other kids, keep your shoes on.


I've mentioned before that Emme rides a bus to school.  When she first started at her therapy school, the bus gave me super anxiety.  I know Emme too well and knew she would get bored on the 45 min ride.  Bored means taking things into her own hands. 

Her BT assured me that they have been in business for 50 years and know what they are doing.  I was still very nervous, but long story short, once Corbin came around I knew it wouldn't be easy to go back and forth every day.

She loves her bus driver Joo wee (Julie) and looks forward to seeing her every day. 

As predicted, Emme got bored. She would do harmless things like taking her shoes and socks off and playing with the belt buckle next to her.   When I would pick her up she would proudly show me the work she had done. 

I would ask her if she was nice to her friends on the bus and she would usually tell me she hit them.  At least she's honest, right?  Although Emme admitted she was being mean to the other kids, Joo Wee never notified me of anything. She goes to school with kids just like her so I'm sure that type of behavior is common.  

So needless to say, when I got Emme off the bus last Thursday I could see in Joo Wee's eyes something was not good. 

"We have a situation."

"Uh, Oh."

"Emme got out of her seat belt.  I saw her standing on the seat at our last stop.  You need to help me reinforce that she needs to stay buckled."

I think in my head "if I could reinforce things like that she wouldn't be at this school."

I turn and say to Joo Wee, "I'm so sorry.  We usually zip tie her straps in our car."

She cuts me off, "We can't do that, it's unsafe.  If she doesn't stay in her seat she can't ride the bus anymore."

Emme and I proceed to get off the bus.  Me with my head hanging low and Emme clueless she is in trouble but very proud of her accomplishments.  

Emme ran into the backyard to jump on the trampoline (our daily routine) and I went inside a sobbed while I watched her out of the window.  It was happening.  Adults are starting to get frustrated with my child.  Not only does Emme not listen to me, she doesn't listen to anyone.  I had flashes of the future where teachers misunderstand Emme and she is in constant trouble.  It made my heart hurt for her. 

It didn't bother me so much that Emme got out of her seat belt, which is a 5 point harness by the way.  I was actually surprised it hadn't happened sooner. What bothered me was the exasperation in Joo Wee's voice.  I could tell she had done everything in her power to get Emme back in her seat.  She was at her wits end. I don't blame her.  I had the same feeling the day Emme got out of her seat belt on the freeway and opened the car door. Talk about panic. 

What I should have said to Joo Wee was; my child doesn't listen to me.  I have no control.  I'm a bad mom.  I zip tie my child's car seat straps.  It's apparently unsafe.  Maybe I'm just prepping her to be the next Criss Angel because let's be honest, she'll eventually figure how to get out of those too.  

We have a long road ahead of us.  One where Emme and I will make mistakes, one where adults and teachers will get frustrated with her, one where I will be judged harshly as a mom.  

Today though, today I don't care. I know she was meant to be mine.  Her mother chose me, I chose Emme, and most importantly Heavenly Father chose us to be a family.  I will fight for her no matter the cost.  No matter the tears.  No matter the judgment.  No matter the driving back and forth to school.

She was meant to be mine.

Mommy-Daughter Relationship

At my first appointment with Emme's BT (behavioral therapist), she asked how my relationship with Emme was.

It sounds funny, but I've never really thought of Emme and I having a relationship until further in life.  One where we look back and laugh at our struggles during her toddler years and I tease her about her children giving her payback.

It brought tears to my eyes because our relationship at this point is not where I would like it to be.  Back in the day when I thought about being a mom I pictured many things about what it would be like. Of course there was the good things hugs, kisses, reading books, singing songs, but I also knew there would be sicknesses, teaching to share, tantrums, and attitudes.  Although you can never truly understand parenthood until you've done it for yourself, I felt like my expectations were realistic.  I knew with the good there would be bad. 

Have you ever heard the analogy where you prepare for a trip to France only to end up in Holland?  Imagine the prep you do to go to France.  You reads books, learn phrases in French, picture yourself on the Eiffel Tower.  You're nervous about riding the metro and pick pocketers, but you've prepared well and your excitement out weighs any nervousness. Now imagine your trip finally comes. You board your flight and take a nice long rest only when you wake up you're in a completely different country than you were prepared for. It's beautiful and unique, but the language is different and all the travel books you packed are completely useless.  Now if you're going to survive and actually enjoy this vacation you're going to have to pick up all new material and change your whole way of thinking.  Now, it's not that Holland isn't amazing, it's just a whole lot different than France. 

I compare this to parenting Emme.  Like I've said before, I've read books on parenting and had long talks with Gregg about the kind of parents we wanted to be, but nothing prepared me for parenting a child like Emme. Like Holland, she is beautiful and unique, but she is a lot different than I ever could have imagined. I know in a way our children always surprise us in one way or another, but having a child with ADHD and a sensory disorder has completely thrown me for a loop.  I know she could have way worse things, but it doesn't mean it's easy. 

Going through infertility was rough. I had some real bad days of heartache and suffering. I thought for sure my hardest trial would be over when I healed from that pain.  Now I see that it only helped prepare me for the road ahead.  Emme is wonderful in so many ways and I love her and would never trade her for anything, but I worry about her future choices constantly.  She has so many abilities that are far greater than what I can accomplish in this life and I pray that we can help her see that.  

I hope one day she looks at us and sees how hard we fought for her.  How much we want her to keep her outgoing personality and funny character, but how we also want her to understand danger and consequences.  I hope she sees how much we love her and always will. 

I hope I can think of our relationship in a better way than I did the day I was asked that question.  We are getting there.  One hour at a time. 

I love this video that was shared on my Facebook. Maybe as moms, we're just a little too rough on ourselves and our sweet little children can see past our flaws. 

Watch Here

Parenting::Resilience

Someone shared a great article from the Ensign about raising resilient children by Lyle J Burrup on Facebook.  I can't help but notice it says he's from LDS Family Services which is who we went through when we adopted Emme.  They are big on Love and Logic and usually have a video going about parenting with Love and Logic going in the waiting room when we have appointments.  It's been a while since I read the book, but what I gathered from it is to let you child make choices and have the consequences follow naturally whether good or bad.  It's also a lot about giving your child choices at an early age.  It really is great, and makes a lot of sense.  It is well worth your time to read.

There are many people out there that believe the whole hands off approach is leading to wimpy whiny bratty kids.  I believe the opposite.  Why?  Because I'm obsessed with  observing families.  Families in all stages of life.  Don't worry if you know me personally I'm not judging I'm learning!  Something Maggie Stevens from Parent Fix recommends and did her self is to observe other parents.

For example, there was a family in one of my wards that had THE greatest kids.  I'm still friends with them today and yes, they are still THE best kids.  Two are currently LDS missionaries, one is happily married and due with a baby any day, and two are amazing happy teenagers.  I was a leader to four of them.  It freaks me out how old they are getting, but I love to watch the good choices they are making in their lives.  You better believe I watch their parents like a hawk.  They are awesome.

One of the big things I have noticed is how they let their kids make their own choices and they help and talk them through it.  They do not run a dictatorship in other words they are not controlling.  I also know that they started this at a very young age.

Their kids also know how to work.  They were always the first to volunteer to help with whatever was needed without being asked.  Even if it was only to say a prayer in class.  They shared stories about working in the garden with their parents and getting into a mushy tomato fight that their parents started.  Hilarious!

Finally, but not lastly, they are resilient!  This family shared about how one Christmas their dad didn't have a job.  These parents could have maxed out credit cards to provide great presents for their kids, thinking it wasn't fair to them to go without, but they didn't.  They sat their kids down and explained Christmas would be small as far as presents go, but that this gave them an opportunity to observe the true meaning of Christmas and to spend time with each other.  I'm sure they asked about suggestions from the kids as to what they wanted to do.  I believe they ended up buying a family board game that served as everyone's present, and spent the holiday surrounded by snow in someone's borrowed cabin.  Every single one of those kids have said that that was their favorite Christmas so far.  What a great example that these parents set.  They brought their children into the decision making and let them learn how to be happy amid trials.  They taught them to be resilient.

So how do we teach our children this important lesson?  The parents I was telling you about have great natural parenting styles.  Me?  Not so much.  I want to!  So that's why I'm observing and trying my hardest to mimic those tools that don't come easily to me.

Lyle J Burrup shares these recommendations.

• • 
  Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
• • 
  Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
• • 
  Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• • 
  Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
• • 
  Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
• • 
  Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
• • 
  Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
• • 
  Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
• • 
  “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

Our children will experience trials that are out of their control. By teaching them resilience and faith in The Lord, they will have the resources to get through them in a healthy way and hopefully come out on the other side wiser and with an even better relationship with Christ. 

Parenting::Time Out

Something Ems behavioral therapist has been working with me on is helping Em to express her feelings through speech and not anger. When Ems is angry everyone and everything in her path better watch out. She hits, kicks, bites, throws, screams, attacks the dog and sometimes on really bad days she'll hit herself or bite herself to relieve that anger. Not Good. Yes, it is normal at her age to do some of that, but the severity and quantity that she was doing them is not.  We as parents need to help her to learn different ways to show her emotions.

Let me get this out there in the beginning. We do not use time out. *GASP*  Yes, I said it!  You're thinking "no wonder Ems has behavior problems" aren't you?  Just hear me out.  In the beginning of Ems learning to behave we tried it because well, everyone else seemed to do it. Good parents, bad parents, grandparents, babysitters, aunts, uncles, you name it!  I'm not saying I think people are bad or dumb for doing it because it does seem effective in some kids. Kids who feel guilt or who want to please. My child is not one of those kids.  She either could care less she was put in time out, or she would become so enraged and out of control the rest of the day. Almost as if she was seeking revenge. During potty training she would pee her pants while in time out just to make me angry.  It was common for her to hit her head against the wall or simply just run away and launch onto our dog.  The anger I felt against her and the frustration I could see in her didn't seem to be what "time out" was all about.  I didn't feel good about it. It was ruining our relationship. I knew it wasn't right for Ems, but I didn't know how to teach her that bad behavior was not okay. 

About this time is when I started to reach out to professionals.  Em was exhibiting behavior I had never experienced or had seen in a child before and I needed help.  While waiting to get in to early intervention for her sensory which took a couple months, and the behavioral center which took five months I slowly stopped time outs. I figured for a while maybe I was just not consistent enough with her, but over time I realized something else was going on.  So during that time when Ems acted out I simply would change her focus. If she was getting into something she shouldn't be or hitting or whatever bad behavior, I would try to get her interested in something else. I would try not to point out the bad behavior knowing she would only try harder to do whatever I didn't want her to.  I wasn't perfect at it by any means, but it did seem more effective than time out.  Also for her at a young age it worked better than words would have. 

So flash forward a bit.  When we finally got in to see a behavioral therapist I told her our history with time out and how we had ceased to do it.  Well wouldn't you know...she said they do not suggest time out to not only children with behavioral problems, but children in general!  She explained that in children like Ems you have to have some pretty harsh punishment for her to really care or have something sink in. Which is not good. We don't believe in harsh punishment nor does the BT. In children that are more pleasers it can lead to teenagers or adults that become introverts and hold everything in until it explodes.  In kids like Ems they have frequent huge scary outbursts that can continue on to when they are adults (we've all witnessed those adults).  Needless to say neither types learn how to express they're feelings in a good manner. 

In Parent Fix by Maggie Stevens she says,

                "As a parent the first thing you must do is figure out what is going on underneath all the anger. When children are are angry, it is often because they don't feel loved, understood or heard. Get down on their level. Look them in the eyes and listen intently to what they are saying (or screaming). Sometimes if a child knows that a parent is willing to listen to her point of view, she will calm down. The child needs to know that you are there for her. Hug them, hold them, or just sit with them until they can calm down. Then when they are ready, discuss possible solutions to their problem. They may just need to vent about why something is not fair. Your calmness will show them that there is someone on their side; someone who cares."

It's okay to have feelings. Mad, angry, sad, or whatever else. It's not okay to freak out or repress them. That's what I'm trying to teach Em. So here's what we are working on. 

When Em hits, bites, takes toys, or is angry (insert whatever negative behavior here), the first thing is to get her to calm down.  That can be holding her, letting her flip out on the floor, or taking her away from the situation then letting her flip out. :)  Don't think punishment. Think calm down. You can say things like, "you're having some big feelings." Or "I can see you are very mad."  "It is so sad you don't get a cookie for breakfast." (That happened this morning)  Something along those lines. She's pretty little so we keep it simple. If they are older you could be more specific. In other words you're helping them see you're listening and a supporter. 

Don't be quick to point out what they did wrong or start to lecture. This can make them get worked up again. Give them time to cool down so they are able to think things through.  Even as adults we don't like when people point out what we did wrong in the heat of the moment. We just want someone to listen. 

With Ems being so little we either move on and let it go, or if we feel she can handle some talk about her bad behavior we will say something like "I can see why that made you so mad, I'm so proud you are calm now, next time let's not hit when we're mad."  Then move on. If they are older kids you could give them a chance to talk about it before any criticism. They may not even need it. Chances are they know they shouldn't have acted the way they did. They are more likely to stop the bad behavior permanently if they have someone listening rather than getting shoved in a corner or lectured about it. 

Now, I'm not perfect at this. I'm still learning to keep my cool and to take the time to listen. Most days you'll hear me just strictly telling Ems to stop the bad behavior instead figuring out the cause. I'm a work in progress. By writing about it, it makes me more inclined to do it. Once again, I don't think time out is necessarily bad. It can be a time for cooling down for parent and child and heaven forbid it's much better than hitting your child or screaming and yelling.  I do believe though, that looking behind the behavior and figuring out the why will be more effective in the long run.  Time out may stop the behavior immediately, but probably not long term.

Parenting::

I have what you could call a defiant child.  Yes, Em has been diagnosed with ADHD, but I believe everyone can benefit from tips I am learning to understand her more and become a better parent. (As slow as it may seem)  

There are good days and bad days with my patience. Em pretty much stays the same. But really what makes the difference of a determined successful day is how I react to her.  Some days she is just off for some reason, but then again so am I. I have to remember she is allowed those days and if I get through them nearly surviving at least I got through them. 

Lately, I've been thinking Ems is more intelligent than she is defiant. Recently, my sister in law was looking at a picture of Ems at 3 months old. She said " remember how calm and easy going Ems used to be?  I think she was just sitting back and learning all of our weaknesses.  She was probably thinking, just you wait until I can walk and talk."  

It made me laugh out loud.  Ems is the master of knowing how to read people, then using their weaknesses as weapon. She knows exactly what will do the most damage to her same aged cousins, and most of them are standing on the sideline wondering what just happened...or screaming of course. I have to hand it to my girl. She is one smart cookie. 

So how do I parent this two almost three year old that is smarter than me?  Mostly I have no idea.  That is why I have turned to outside resources. I read the most amazing book before I was even a parent.  It's called Parent Fix.

You need it I promise!!  You can order it through Amazon.  It will completely change your life and parenting. Most importantly your kids. I am reading through it a second time, because I can actually apply it now that Ems is old enough.  I will be quoting this book a lot. 

I have also read Love and Logic and while I do agree and use a lot of their techniques I have cut out some of them because they weren't fitting with how Em ticks. More on that in another post. 

We also have family therapy with a behavioral therapist once a month.  Which is really mine and Gregg's therapy. Ems is who she is. We are the ones that needs to accept that.  Our BT is amazing and my idol right now. She listens to me and comforts my fears. She has never made me feel like a bad mom. If anything she has helped me see I'm a better mom than I think.  I'm convinced we all need a BT or just someone to listen. 

Before I was a mom I was convinced I would be the most patient, fun, and understanding mom around.  Yeah I've pretty much failed there.  One thing I can pat myself on the back about is the fact that I know I will never give up. If I have a day that is an epic fail as a mom, I will wake up with a desire to do better. I will search answers, pray, and trust my gut feeling.  I will ask for help from my Heavenly Father, other parents, and professionals. Ems is my daughter for a reason. I AM the best parent for her and I need to figure out how to BE the best parent for her.  I will never be a perfect parent, but I can try to give her my optimum performance. 

I hope you will join me on this journey and share things that have helped you a long the way. I will be doing a group of posts on what we're working on at the moment in hopes to be a journal of how far we've come and to help myself and others a long the way. 

School

Ems is a social butterfly, but when it comes to her own peers or babies she has some issues.  Issues way beyond the typical not sharing and occasional hitting.  Play group and family get together's are rough.  It's typical for me to leave embarrassed, upset, and with a few tears.  Ems also leaves frustrated and overwhelmed.  It's not good. 

After attending family therapy with a behavioral therapist for two months we decided therapy school would be a great place for her to be.  It's quite intense, yet effective.  Five days a week for three hours and they even eat lunch there.  It can be quite expensive and we were really stressed about paying for it.  We felt strongly that she needed to be in their school and I had a feeling everything would work out.  Sure enough, the financial lady called me in to discuss our monthly fee and she wrote down $0 in front of me.  I thought there was a mistake at first until she explained that the school got a huge grant and because of it all of their kids get to go free for a year.  Ems started at the right exact moment to be able to partake of free tuition.   Such a huge blessing and relief.  We were so thankful we followed the prompting to put her in school even though we were expecting to pay hundreds of dollars every month.  

So far she comes home pretty exhausted and emotional.  I guess that's pretty typical.  For a busy bee like her to hold in her extreme want to go wild for three hours is very draining.  She lets loose when she gets home and it makes for a fun tantrum filled afternoon.  I got to observe her for a little bit behind a two way glass.  She did amazing.  It's nice to see what she is capable of, but it also makes me sad I rarely see her behave that way.  I try, really try to emulate what we discuss at her BT (behavioral therapy) appointments, but at the end of the day I'm the mom.  The one she knows best and the one she can be herself with.  Don't get me wrong, I see really fun sides of her and I get the best loves, but she can sure put on the defiance like no other. 

School has been good for all of us.  I now have a few free hours every day and Emme is learning skills that will help way beyond her toddler years.   

Movies with Toddlers

My daughter is what I call one Busy Bee. She was diagnosed with ADHD at 2 1/2. Picture in your head how busy and crazy two year olds are. Now times that by twenty add in a sugar infused child around Halloween all day every day and you have my Mems. 

My husband and I love going to movies. Obviously when Ems came around our cinema trips went down significantly. We have talked about the day she could go to the movies with us since she was born.  Most of her peers are able to watch at least a short children's show or most of a movie. Mems not so much. Not that I want her watching tv all day, but I'll admit it would be nice to have a minute to change laundry or use the bathroom while my child is glued to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or whatever is on during that hour. 

So although I'm aware most of parents with toddlers do not have ADHD I still believe we can all benefit from some tips to slow down and focus our child so we can enjoy a lovely movie outing together. Or at least a somewhat successful night together. Or for heavens sakes just get us out of the house no matter the consequence later!  Man, toddlers are draining. 

Tips on Taking a Toddler to a Movie 

1.  Get their energy out.  Start before you leave the house. I have Em do what I call heavy work before she is asked to sit still for a long period of time. For example: jumping, pushing, carrying. I have Em jump a lot. Whether it's walking into the store, jumping off furniture, or a few minutes on the trampoline.  Sometimes I'll ask Ems to help me push a chair or we play a game where she tries to push me over. I've even pretended that a wall needs moved and tell her to push her hardest. You can fill a backpack to about %10 of their body weight and have them carry that around for 20 minutes or so. Weighted exercise balls are great for heavy work as well. There are oodles of games you could make up them. 

2.  Don't have too high of expectations. Even if your child is a movie addict, chances are neither of you have seen the movie and you have no idea if they're going to like it. Expect wiggling, loud talking, spilling, and kicking. I know I do.  Which brings me to...

3.  Be prepared.  Most important step!  If your theater has reserved seating choose a seat that will be best suited for your child. We like to go when we know the theater won't be crowded so we don't have to worry if Em dances in the aisle or kicks the seat in front of us. We ALWAYS sit in the end of the row. That makes potty/wiggle breaks much easier.  Have snacks, a drink, and sleep aids available. If your child likes movies and will stay engaged, awesome. If they're like my Ems chances are they'll be bored by the time the previews are over. Give Em popcorn and a drink and you've extended that time to at least 1/3 of the way through the movie.  Ems has sleep aids that she only gets during bedtime and naps. I like to bring a few to the movie (her collection grows daily).  It doesn't make her sleep, but it does calm her down immediately. Add a new snack and you have a few more minutes of attention.  If you're freaked out about the thousand calories your child will consume you could bring a busy book or something that will keep their focus. Don't use a phone. That's just rude to others around you. 

4.  Take a break.  About 3/4 through a movie Em is just done. That when we take a potty break. I let her jump down the aisle steps and run to the bathroom. She needs it by that point and as long as she's not bumping into people or screaming at the same time I thinks it's just fine. Once we go potty I let her jump in the hallway and climb the stairs back to our seats.  I only carry her if she tries to run away or starts grabbing people.  Occasionally that happens, but most of the time she is excited to get back and I want her to expel as much energy as possible in the process. 

5.  Go during your prime time. Never take a child during their nap time or bed time. NEVER. You are just setting them up for failure. They need to be well rested and in a good mood.  Did they miss or take a bad nap that day?  Then don't go.  Even if it has been planned for ages. If you choose not to take this advice, don't expect much from your child and DON'T get mad when they won't obey.  Ultimately you asked for it. 

6.  Be okay with leaving early. If things take a turn for the worst don't make it a bad experience for your child. Snapping and yelling at them won't make it fun for you or them.  You know your child's limits. If they are surpassed or getting close, it's okay to step out or go home. Leave on a good note. Empty threats and mad parents only show the child how to act in a movie.  Trust me, if you continue to harp on your child for their bad behavior it will only validate their actions and the next movie you take them to will be just as bad if not worse.  It's hard not to get upset, but remember, you're asking a lot from your child to sit so long and their ability to restrain themselves is low. 

Does it feel like too much work for you?  Then skip this activity. My love for movies and the need to get out of the house overpowers the work it takes. Plus, I love how excited Ems gets when I tell her we are going to a movie with popcorn.  It's a nice break in our routine and something she talks about for days. 

What are your tips and tricks?