Bring on the Momma Bear

In Utah it is pertinent that your child starts preschool at the youngest age possible or else they have no chance in life.  You may as well send them on a train to Failureville because that's where they are headed anyway.  They need at least 2 years of preschool, but 3 is ideal.  Oh, your child doesn't read and they're going to be in Kindergarten?  Good luck with that!

Who really knows what we would be doing with Emme this year had she not needed extra support.  It's finally her scheduled time to enter her first year in preschool as she has a September birthday.  I'm sure I would have enrolled her in preschool anyway this year just to have a few hours alone every week.  I mean...definitely for the learning and social time....

Alas, she did need extra support and she's been in a therapy preschool for over a year now.  Which is code for "kids with behavioral issues who need to learn how to be around other people."  

We typically wouldn't have sent her that early, but it was needed for her.   It's been a great resource for us, but she really should start phasing into the actual school district.  We feel she's not quite ready to be with her peers, so we have been trying to get her evaluated for special education preschool.  Mainly, she still needs a qualified teacher who understand behavioral issues.  I wouldn't want Emme labeled as "the bad kid" because her teacher doesn't speak her language.  Then hopefully by next year or by kindergarten she will be able to be with her peers.  Cross your fingers.

I contacted our school district back in June.  Finally heard from an evaluator the very beginning of July.  They were suppose to call back in a few weeks with a date and nothing....  Haven't heard a thing.  I've called and left messages Monday and Tuesday.  Nothing....  The flustered receptionist said they are very swamped and the lady who schedules comes in at 5 to return messages.  Ok...  Let's just put it out there, that I think Utah school districts suck.  They are overworked and underpaid.  (Except, I'm not quite sure why that lady only comes in at 5.)  Too many kids, not enough staff.  It's a terrible mess of politics at the top and teachers and students suffer because of it.  Hence why charter schools have become so popular.

Cue, Momma Bear.  If you want your child to have the help they need you have to fight.  We are now entering the war zone that is public school. Welcome to the jungle.  They have unleashed the carnivore in me and I will eat them alive.  They better believe I will be calling every. single. day. until I hear back.

Plus, I've already ripped up our ticket to Failureville, so that's not an even an option.

Down to Business

I haven't been completely honest the last few months.

My heart yearns to write and share my thoughts on the whole truth and nothing but the truth about raising a child with severe ADHD.

Then there is this part of me that only worries about what others will think of me as a mom and as a person in general.  Will I seem ungrateful for the miracle that Emme is to our family?  Will I be way too negative about her and allow others to talk negatively about her as well?  Do my readers understand what ADHD really means and how disabling it can be?  How many terrible comments will I receive because we have chosen medication as a way to help Emme?

Point being, I have filtered our life as to create a facade of what our day to day really looks and feels like.  The reality is times are hard.  I'm sure someone could handle my situation a millions times better than me, but this is what I need to go through in order to grow and learn and become the person I'm suppose to be.

With that said, I realize there are tougher things in life than a child with ADHD and a husband who I only see on Sundays.  I gave a talk in church months back and talked about how we had learned that parenting would be a lot different for us than most.  After sacrament I had a lady ask what was wrong with Amy?  Caught off guard a little I stuttered out that Emme had ADHD.  She let out a big sigh, admitted she hadn't been listening very closely and that things could be a lot worse for us.  She thought "Amy" had cancer or something life changing like that.  My temper getting the best of me I spit back, " I realize that, but it's still hard for us!"  Then I walked away.

Although she went about it in a tactless way, I get it.  There are bigger stresses.  My child is healthy and my husband is just at school.  I get to sleep next to him every night.  There are many blessings in our family and I try to count each one. Trust me, I get it.

Speaking of blessings, I am thankful that we even have children.  What I've come to realize is that there are many who don't understand that my children were always meant to come to Gregg and me.  It was all predetermined.  I believe it with all of my heart.  Adoption is amazing.  I will never be more grateful than I am for my children and the change adoption put in me.  They are mine just like any other mother who bore her babies.  We just had to search a little harder for each other.   Thank the heavens for their birth mother and birth families.  They are our angels here on earth.  Let it be known that we do not target them for any imperfections in our children.  Are my children's genes different from ours?  Of course! Does that matter?  No!  Gregg and I have good and bad genes just like the rest of the world and they could have been passed on to our biological offspring.  Plus, I love that Emme has platinum blond hair, and both of my kids have striking blue eyes. They didn't get it from me, and that's okay.

A fault a lot of adoptive couples make, I know we did, while waiting for their miracle and in the early years is to put themselves as parents and their future children on a pedestal.  You may have to read that one twice.  It's sets you up to fail people.  Parenting is hard no matter what.  Just like any child from any beginning they can drive you nuts.  You are a regular parent just like every one else.  At least I am.  I didn't get any super human ability because we waited five years.  It doesn't make you a failure and it doesn't make you ungrateful.  Admitting Emme has some serious issues and that I'm not the awesome parent I imagined I'd be, does not make me ungrateful to adoption or her birthmom.  It makes me a parent.

As of late there have been some adults and children that have voiced their opinions about Emme.  It made me wonder if I was allowing that by being too honest about her.  It hurt my feelings and I couldn't sleep after one of the incidences.  We all know how I need my sleep.  I worried I was sharing too much of the ugly truth and that made it so others thought they could put Emme down or voice what they thought she would end up like.  I worried if I blogged too much about our experiences that Emme would be judged without someone really even knowing her.  Emme has so many awesome qualities and abilities. Gregg and I are her only true advocates and I want to make things better not worse.  My answer was this ::  I must also blog about her awesomeness so it can be known that she is really great sometimes.  ADHD can be a blessing in some ways and I need to discuss that as well.

Also, know that....

ADHD is real.  It is more than being hyper.  I do not medicate my child because she is just busy or because it makes my life easier.  It's a sensitive subject, but until you have had a child with a severe neurological disorder, you do not know what you're talking about.  Selling oils, knowing someone with ADHD, and hearing about a study does not make you an expert on the subject.  Until you are a specialized doctor or have lived day in and day out with a child like Emme, you don't know.  You don't.  I myself continue to learn.  Trust me there will be a whole post on this.

I realize there is a lot going on in this post, but now that this is all out there, I can continue on with the honest truth.  No more fluff.  If you want that you can follow my Instagram.  ;)  This blog is my outlet and a way to connect with others going through the same thing.  I need to voice my fears, worries, and thanks because it's healthier than keeping it all in and losing it one day.  I'd rather you not see me on the news as the crazy lady that ran away from life.  But if that happens to you or me I promise not to judge.

I Use Hashtags

When adoption became our destiny in this life, I immediately felt the need to be perfect.  I mean, how else would we EVER get chosen if we didn't prove that we traveled, loved each other more than air, and promised to be the best parents that ever graced the planet?

After becoming a mother that persona stayed right along with me.  I followed every book and every doctor very strictly.  I gushed on our blog about our happily every after.  In all honesty I was grateful and in love with my life.  I remember Gregg and I fighting over who got to get Emme out of bed.  I loved when Emme would lay her head on Gregg's shoulder and my heart would melt and my teeth would grind from getting the squeezies.  I valued myself as a mother.

It has almost been a year since Emme was diagnosed and we became a special needs family.  I stared into space all day that day wondering what it would mean.  How would people take the news?  How would Emme be treated?  How am I going to fix this?

My perfect family dream was shattered.  Even then I had no idea the obstacles ahead.  I thought with continued therapy everything would eventually work itself out and Emme would become the first female president.  I slowly learned how wrong I was.

Soon, things like holding still for two minutes and coloring without eating the whole crayon became a celebratory event.

Somewhere along the lines a cold bitterness set in.  I was always worried about being judged and I compared myself to other moms like crazy.

Then one day (with the help of Emme's therapist) I stopped caring so much.  That's when I started this blog.  A new fresh outlook on my life.  One that was full of truth and not so much fluff.  A blog that didn't sugar coat.  I'll admit, I did worry about what my family, friends, and Emme's birth family would think.  So far most have been supportive and have sent sweet messages after a stressed out post.  Emme's birth family has been so understanding.  That has meant the world to me.  They know we love Emme and are doing our best.

Maybe it's letting go of unrealistic ideas or maybe I'm just getting older or maybe I'm just too dang tired, but I love my new uncaring attitude.

People aren't going to like where I live, the pictures I post on Instagram, my crappy writing skills, my opinions of Doterra Oils, or how I parent.  I mean, heaven forbid, I use HASHTAGS!!!  There will always be trolls (thanks Megan for that term) and they will be ready and waiting to cut you down.

I love that I have met so many great people experiencing similar life challenges because I decided to open up.  I can laugh with them, cry with them, and share fears with them that no one else understands.  They have kept me sane.

My cute cousin's daughter recently received a prestigious award and was on the news.  When giving advice to other students she said "don't be afraid to be dorky."  I love that.  We can use that advice no matter what age we are. Don't let the fear of looking dumb keep you from sharing your story.  You never know who you will help or the friends you will meet while looking like an idiot.

He Will Send Angels

The week before Corbin was born my anxiety was at an all time high.  I was so nervous of what was to come.  There were so many what ifs.

What if "M" changes her mind?

What if Corbin's birth dad or his family hates us?

What if I can't handle two kids?

What if Emme freaks out even more?

What if? What if? What if?

I asked Gregg to give me a priesthood blessing of comfort the night before we left to get Corbin.  In it he promised that this little boy WOULD be joining our family and things would work out with the adoption.  He then advised me to not be afraid to seek help after I was a mother of two.  Most importantly, I needed to accept the help that was offered.  A task that is very hard for me to do.

About a year ago I had something I like to call a MOM DAY.  Emme was particularly out of control.   I don't remember much of the details, other than she would NOT take a nap and was very over stimulated.  I'm sure I had been hit, kicked, spit at, and gotten hair ripped out.  I NEEDED her to sleep so I could refresh a little.  At that point she was still in a crib and not climbing out of it, which was a miracle in and of it self.  When I put her down for a nap that day she became a caged animal flailing and screaming and throwing.  I eventually tried rocking her, but she just slapped and head butted me so I'd put her back in her crib.  After hours of this I completely had a mental break down.  I dramatically fell on my bed and did the ugly cry while I could hear Emme flipping out in her crib.  I pleaded in a prayer that He would send help.  I was teaching a lesson the next Sunday in Young Women about Heavenly Father sending help through others when we really needed it.  I remember thinking "Where is my help?"  I sobbed and sobbed and some where along the way I fell asleep out of exhaustion while Emme screamed and banged the wall in the room next door.

The next thing I remember was someone opening my bedroom door.  It makes me tear up even today just thinking about it.  I saw that it was my husband and then quickly checked the clock thinking "did I really sleep that long?"  It was hours before he was supposed to be home and I was so confused.  He told me something about a meeting, no lunch, and getting to come home early.  That has NEVER happened.  I don't recall him ever coming home way early without it being in his work schedule well in advance.  He could see I was in distress and I told him it had not been a good day.  He told me to go back to sleep and that he would take care of everything.  Emme had fallen asleep somewhere along the way and I returned to my slumber knowing he was home to carry the weight when she woke up.  I taught my lesson in confidence that Heavenly Father does indeed send help when needed.

There have been many times where I could use outside help or even just some super hero sized patience during my time parenting Emme, and none has come.  Then there have been times when all hope is lost and I'm at the point of desperation where help has showed up out of the blue.  I'm not sure the difference.  Each time seems pretty unbearable to me yet sometimes I am sent help and others I am not.  I can only believe that in some moments I am meant to be polished and changed and others I am shown that I am not alone and yes, He will help lift my burdens.

Last week was one of the hardest in my life.  I watched a dear friend lay her sweet baby boy to rest.  The heartache was something I can't describe.  I wish I could take away some of her pain, but I know I can't.  Instead I just held her and cried with her.  There is a whole post coming about the experience.  Throughout it all I was dealing with the news that my dad had colon cancer.  He had surgery on Thursday to remove the cancer and we were all on edge wondering if it had spread.  Thank goodness from what they can tell before testing it hasn't.  Needless to say, my emotions were rail thin.

Due to work, a Dr. appt, and these big events I had to find babysitters for five different occasions.  An almost impossible task.  Thankfully, I was being watched over and the Lord sent His earthly angels to help me.

Four beautiful women came to my aid last week and said yes to watching my children without hesitation.  Each one of them have major things happening in their lives right now that I wasn't aware of until later, but they took my kids in regardless and without complaint.  My sweet cousin who lives 45min away brought her whole family to my house to watch my kids while I attended the viewing.  She even took work off to play the piano for me while I sang at the funeral.  Come to find out she has a major medical issue going on right now, yet she didn't even bring it up.  She knew I needed her and she came.  Her name kept popping into my head every time I tried to think of who could accompany me.  The Lord knew she would obey and she did.

The day after my dad's surgery I really wanted to spend time at the hospital.  I saw my dad for a little bit the day before, but he was still groggy.  Plus, I wanted to make sure my mom was able to have relief and change her clothes and shower from spending the night at the hospital.  I asked a few people to watch my kids but, they already had other obligations.  I cried and felt sorry for myself that I couldn't be there, but I had already used my go to friends enough and I couldn't bother them again.  A little while later, I received a message from a new friend that I had met through the adoption community.  She had text me earlier in the week to see what she could do, but at that time I didn't need anything.  She once again sent, "How can I help you?"  Not, call me if you need anything, but how can I help?  I text her and asked if she'd be willing to watch my kids that day and she immediately responded with, "when are you bringing them over?"  Corbin cried almost the whole time for her and yet she was always so positive and told me not to worry.

The other two women were just as amazing.  One offered to help even though she already had two extra kids and had mine twice already.  The other was selling her house and had to gather up three sleeping children last minute to accommodate a showing.

What wonderful examples to me.  They had every reason to tell me no, yet they didn't even hesitate to say yes.  I strive to be like them.

My brothers and sisters, we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers. We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us.   President Thomas S. Monson General Conference Oct. 2009

I needed those four women more than they will ever know.  The Lord depended on them and they came through.  It made me evaluate my own life.  Was I listening to the promptings of helping others or was I ignoring them?  Am I even getting promptings anymore or has the Lord given up on trying?

Most days I feel as though I'm barely surviving.  I'm usually throwing a pity party for myself and not even thinking of others.  My goal is to be more like these women and less like myself.  Service is a little like sacrifice.  If it doesn't put us out of our comfort to do it then what are we really learning from it?

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there? 

A Mother Of Two

From January 2013-February 2013 Emme had already had three evaluations and another one set up for May.  We jumped right into Occupational Therapy through early intervention and had appointments every other week.  Her sensory disorder was overwhelming to learn about at first, but it was very eye opening.  Her behavior was out of control, but until her eval in May with a Behavioral Therapist I was at a loss on how to best help her.  We were struggling, but she still napped for three hours a day and Gregg wasn't in school yet so I felt like we were surviving.

Towards the end of February Gregg learned he was excepted into a great MBA program and would start the beginning of May.  It was an answer to our prayers. We knew if Gregg were to get in a career that would both benefit him and our family he needed to first further his education.

Towards the end of March we received the amazing news that another child would be joining our family. A true miracle and another testament that everything happens in God's timing and not ours.

I was thrilled to be getting another baby.  Emme's biological sibling no less.  There was one big problem though.  I felt I was failing miserably as Emme's mother.  Once Gregg started school and I was home alone most of the time reality really set in.  There were more days than I can count where I broke down and cried wondering how I would ever be able to be a mother of two children.

I often demanded in my prayers that this coming baby better be the easiest baby in the world.  I had no energy left.  I prayed for more strength and patience every day, but the truth is, Emme was still Emme and I was still exhausted.  There was no huge weight lifted and I didn't receive an extra boost in patience all of the sudden.  The thing is, He knew.  I honestly believe He knew I wasn't bluffing.  I couldn't be a mother of two without help.

After, Emme had been going to a Behavioral Therapist for a couple months she highly recommended that Emme attend their therapy school.  We agreed and also felt strongly that she attend their school, but it was very expensive.  We qualified for a small grant, but even then it was out of our budget.  We still knew she needed to go, so we went forward in faith that the money would come from somewhere.  Although, it was more likely that we won the lottery than it was that we would come up with the extra cash.

The time came when I got a phone call from the financial lady at her school.  She said I needed to come in that day to discuss our fee.  I went in dragging my feet knowing we really didn't have the money.  She went over our last years taxes and had me sign a few things.  Then at the bottom of the page she wrote our monthly total and handed me the paper.  I saw a huge $0.  I looked at her like, "this can't be right.  We must be a lot poorer than I thought."  She finally explained that the school had gotten a huge grant from the government and in order to use it all, all of their kids got to attend school for free until next July.  Emme literally started school the week it went into effect so we never had to pay a dime.

So not only was Emme able to attend a therapy school for free and learn very important skills, but I was going to have a big chunk of my mornings free.  Until Corbin was born, of course.  Like I said before, Heavenly Father knew I couldn't do it without help so He paved the way for outside help.

to be continued...

A Trio of Good Days

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I've been a little absent lately.  There have been some real lows when it comes to Emme's behavior and my attitude.  I just couldn't bring myself to share them.  I was telling her therapist yesterday, that there are days we just hold on and try to survive.  There is no reasoning on those days just a lot of damage control and tears.  On a particular hard day when Gregg had school, I had finally had enough and just started crying.   Poor sensitive Corbin starting crying in my lap and Emme who had been laughing in my face all day despite my fury, finally realized mom had lost it and started crying too.  I'm sure we were a nice sight.  Emme excitedly shared our cry fest experience with her therapist in our next session. I can only imagine what she thought. 

Despite having some really crummy days I feel it important to write that the last three days have been somewhat pleasant.  Emme has slept through the night AND napped all three days!  That's pretty awesome ya'll!  Sleep=a much easier Emme.  I met with her pyschiatrist a little while ago and we decided to make a few little changes.  For example, I now pick her up from school every day so she won't fall asleep on the bus.  Emme has now graduated to sitting in the seat closest to the driver which is the last resort before bus time goes bye bye.  I'm sure her bus driver is relieved to be Emme free for part of the day.  It's a pain to cut Corbin's nap short every day and drive 30 minutes round trip, but so worth it to have Emme nap at home.

Other Positive Emme Notes: 

No poo smeared mirrors. In fact she has been really good about the whole potty thing lately.  She's even been wearing two piece jammies which hasn't happened in over a year due to her poo obsession.  

She asked me to "please get her more milk" and brought me her sippy cup.  A more normal occurrence would be her throwing her empty cup while screaming hysterically. 

On three different occasions she expressed her desire to hit me and Corbin.  I congratulated her for using her words instead of immediately lashing out.  She answered with "yeah mom!  I didn't kick you!"  Good job my little bug. 

After one of her naps she came and got me and asked if I would lay by her because it was still sleep time.  After following her in her room she handed me her favorite blanket and her pillow pet then laid back down in her bed.  I can assure you that has never happened.   

She was focused enough after school to tell me about her day.  Sure it included throwing all the toys at her teacher, but this was big for me. Usually she is either too tired to function or honestly cannot keep a thought long enough to answer let alone understand or care what I'm asking in the first place.

While having a play date with a friend at Discovery Gateway she only hit one kid the entire two hours and that was only when him and his brothers were in her space big time and the "victim" stole her toy.  The mom was a major beast about it, but we'll talk more on that later.  Her therapist and I deemed it a huge success.

Here's hoping for FOUR pleasant days.  Wish me luck.

  

The Wheels On The Bus Go....

Stay in your seat, stop hitting other kids, keep your shoes on.


I've mentioned before that Emme rides a bus to school.  When she first started at her therapy school, the bus gave me super anxiety.  I know Emme too well and knew she would get bored on the 45 min ride.  Bored means taking things into her own hands. 

Her BT assured me that they have been in business for 50 years and know what they are doing.  I was still very nervous, but long story short, once Corbin came around I knew it wouldn't be easy to go back and forth every day.

She loves her bus driver Joo wee (Julie) and looks forward to seeing her every day. 

As predicted, Emme got bored. She would do harmless things like taking her shoes and socks off and playing with the belt buckle next to her.   When I would pick her up she would proudly show me the work she had done. 

I would ask her if she was nice to her friends on the bus and she would usually tell me she hit them.  At least she's honest, right?  Although Emme admitted she was being mean to the other kids, Joo Wee never notified me of anything. She goes to school with kids just like her so I'm sure that type of behavior is common.  

So needless to say, when I got Emme off the bus last Thursday I could see in Joo Wee's eyes something was not good. 

"We have a situation."

"Uh, Oh."

"Emme got out of her seat belt.  I saw her standing on the seat at our last stop.  You need to help me reinforce that she needs to stay buckled."

I think in my head "if I could reinforce things like that she wouldn't be at this school."

I turn and say to Joo Wee, "I'm so sorry.  We usually zip tie her straps in our car."

She cuts me off, "We can't do that, it's unsafe.  If she doesn't stay in her seat she can't ride the bus anymore."

Emme and I proceed to get off the bus.  Me with my head hanging low and Emme clueless she is in trouble but very proud of her accomplishments.  

Emme ran into the backyard to jump on the trampoline (our daily routine) and I went inside a sobbed while I watched her out of the window.  It was happening.  Adults are starting to get frustrated with my child.  Not only does Emme not listen to me, she doesn't listen to anyone.  I had flashes of the future where teachers misunderstand Emme and she is in constant trouble.  It made my heart hurt for her. 

It didn't bother me so much that Emme got out of her seat belt, which is a 5 point harness by the way.  I was actually surprised it hadn't happened sooner. What bothered me was the exasperation in Joo Wee's voice.  I could tell she had done everything in her power to get Emme back in her seat.  She was at her wits end. I don't blame her.  I had the same feeling the day Emme got out of her seat belt on the freeway and opened the car door. Talk about panic. 

What I should have said to Joo Wee was; my child doesn't listen to me.  I have no control.  I'm a bad mom.  I zip tie my child's car seat straps.  It's apparently unsafe.  Maybe I'm just prepping her to be the next Criss Angel because let's be honest, she'll eventually figure how to get out of those too.  

We have a long road ahead of us.  One where Emme and I will make mistakes, one where adults and teachers will get frustrated with her, one where I will be judged harshly as a mom.  

Today though, today I don't care. I know she was meant to be mine.  Her mother chose me, I chose Emme, and most importantly Heavenly Father chose us to be a family.  I will fight for her no matter the cost.  No matter the tears.  No matter the judgment.  No matter the driving back and forth to school.

She was meant to be mine.