Birthmom Q&A

This post is long overdue.  I've had it waiting patiently for a few months now.  My cousin who is a birthmom shared her story here.  She was kind enough to go the extra mile and answer some questions for me.  Enjoy!



You talk about adoption being very closed when you placed.  Did you receive any letters or pictures?  My adoption was "closed".  What that meant back then, was that the only thing I knew about the couple was their names.  I did not know where they live, last name or anything.  I received pictures the first year once a month and once a year until she turned three.  They did a fantastic job.  I can't imagine developing pictures and getting them to the services (adoption agency) to get sent to me.  Oh, and the services had to review everything to make sure that there was no personal info being sent. 

Have you had any contact since? The only contact I have had since the 3 year mark was when my friend, the one who chose my family to be her family, had her baby.  Doug and Heidi were at the hospital when I showed up...what are the odds?  :)  The adoption process was starting to become more open at this point. 

Open adoptions are quite common now.  What are your feelings towards having a relationship with your daughter one day?  I have always been okay with the closed adoption, maybe because I am so much of a 'it is what it is,' kind of a person.  I didn't know any different.  I believe Sierra will find me one day, it does excite me, yet I get nervous too because I don't know what to expect.  I hope she doesn't have negative feelings towards me and that I don't disappoint her when she chooses to meet me.  Adoption is such a positive thing to me I just hope she feels the same.

If you could say something to your daughter right now what would it be? If I could say anything to Sierra I think it would be...I hope you know how much you are loved, not only by me, but my whole family.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I really truly know that I did the right thing for you, for me, and for your parents.  (I know it doesn't sound that profound, but I mean every word.)

When did you feel your heart had finally healed after placing your baby?  I am not really sure how long it took for my heart to heal, but I do know that by the time my three years of pictures and letters were over I was good.  I guess you could relate it to how people heal when they lose a loved one.  Time does heal and life keeps going.  I kept busy, had a full time job 2 weeks after I placed, met my husband 6 months later, married 11 months after placement.  I really believe that my husband came at the right time and I had a new focus. I was really sad when the three years were up and every year I have my moments near her birthday.  I wonder what she looks like, what she likes to do, if she is hanging out with good friends, does she get good grades and all of those things. 

You told me once that it was very lonely during your pregnancy and that your journal was your best friend.  What was life like with your boyfriend, friends, and family after placement? Yes, I was lonely during my pregnancy.  It seemed like my parents tried so hard to keep me away from my boyfriend, he didn't like them any more then they liked him; I was really torn and had my own feelings.  My boyfriend didn't even want to hang out with me, he thought it was ok to go out with other girls and his friends.  His life didn't stop.  So after the placement, I found myself somewhat separating with my boyfriend, yet, I still didn't really have friends so I still hung out with him.  I had a hard time with the concept that we placed a baby yet now he wanted me more than he did when I was pregnant.  My parents were great, they kept me busy so I wouldn't sit around and get depressed.  Over time I became myself again and my relationship with my parents and sisters was the same as it had been.  Eventually I got rid of my boyfriend.  I was ready to move forward.

What would you say to expectant mother that is considering placing? I have actually helped out the LDS social services a lot so I have been able to help girls that are expecting and considering adoption.  I have met some that knew they would place from the moment they found out, some that go back and forth on the idea so I think a consistent message I have always sent would be to make sure you are committed to placing because no matter how much you prepare it is not easy when you deliver your baby.  If I had not been committed I would not have gone through with it.  I'm not sure many would.  You have to know what you are doing is the right thing for your baby.  Keep busy after you place, don't allow yourself to be home and alone and have time to let your mind wander.  Move on and always remember why you placed so on those really hard days they won't be worse than they already are.  And there will be some really hard days in the beginning.  They do get better, as we all know, time heals.

Have you ever regretted your decision? I really truly have never regretted my decision to place.  I really believe that I was meant to bring Sierra here to Doug and Heidi.  I was the answer to their prayers and I get so spiritually overwhelmed when I think of my experience because I am not sure I can express how much I know I wasn't meant to raise Sierra, even though I wanted to. 

If you could go back in time, what would you tell your 17 year old self?  If I could go back in time I would tell my 17 year old self....you aren't the only one going through the adoption process, your not the only one who feels pain...your not the only one.  It took me a few years after to realize how selfish and ignorant I was towards my mom, dad and sisters (and maybe more).  I wasn't very nice to my family, even though I know at the time I felt alone and confused I feel really bad that I never once asked how anyone else felt about my decision, I never even thought to.  I'm not even sure I have apologize to my family to this day.  I know they miss her too, I know they wonder all the same things I do about how she looks and what she likes to do, all of those things. 

Do you have any advice for couples hoping to adopt?  I hope everyone wanting to adopt gets to.  I have seen so many wait for so long and not only do they get to adopt they find out they are pregnant.  :)  Heavenly father does work in mysterious ways, so try to be patient because your gain is someone else's loss. 

Guest Post:: A Birth Mom's Story

I am elated to share with you this beautiful story.  Whenever I hear a birth mom talk about her experiences it makes me cry.  I think it's because EVERY one I hear always includes the word PEACE.  You know that our Heavenly Father is with them through this courageous act of selflessness and love.  

This account is even more special to me as it is my gorgeous cousin's story.  Two months after Emme was born we cried together in her father's hallway.  When you've been a part of something so sacred and so miraculous, you share a bond.  I can't even put it into words.  I have always had a soft place in my heart for birth moms because of her and her great example of what a real mom's love is.

 I love you, Linz!  Thank you for sharing!

So once again...grab a tissue.  You'll need it.

I was 17 and a senior in high school when I found out that I was pregnant.  I wasn't a "bad girl" I just made a mistake and it changed everything.  Naturally my parents were not happy and even tried to ground me from my boyfriend which only resulted into me sneaking around and late night phone calls, I even used a pay phone (does anyone even know what those are anymore?)  I had the mentality that I was already pregnant what more trouble could I get in to? 

I was set on keeping my baby when I found out I was pregnant, actually, in my mind there really wasn't even another option it was just what was supposed to happen, right?  It's kind of ironic really because I had done an essay on adoption only a couple months before and of course all of the books I read to do the paper had nothing good to say about adoption, so It just really wasn't a thought.

 I remember the day my mom mentioned that I should maybe consider adoption.  My heart broke hearing the words from my mom.  I now know that it wasn't an easy thing for her to bring up to me either; I know that she must have felt at peace with it or wouldn't have mentioned it at all.  I was mad at her, however, the idea started to pop in my head...a lot.  I became really confused because I REALLY wanted my baby.  I loved her and wanted to be a mom, I was mentally preparing to be a mom and thinking of all of the things I needed to do.  Yet every time I thought of adoption I felt somehow ok and that kind of annoyed me.  Every one kept saying, "you need to pray about it"  that bugged me too, cause I wasn't really in to church or praying; I wasn't really in a good spot spiritually I guess you could say.  I did pray, not really like I should have because at this time deep deep in side I already knew my answer...I just didn't want adoption to be my answer, I didn't want to feel ok about adoption being my answer.  One thing about me is that once I make a decision I stick to it; I officially came to terms of placing my baby in late July.  I was at peace with my decision but it did not take away my heartache.  

Now I begin a on a different journey of my pregnancy and choosing a family.  My boyfriend and I sat down with the counselor from the LDS social services and rattled off what we wanted the parents of our baby to be like.  I literally remember saying "I don't want her to have mom hair"  :) I did want our baby to be the couples first baby, as it would be mine, I wanted the mom to be into scrapbooking, (at the time I was into it), we wanted a country couple, (somehow we thought people that live in country were nicer:)  So after all of this and some researching for our counselor we were narrowed down to 5 couples.  I don't even remember what the other couples were like because I was immediately drawn to my couple.  It is really the strangest thing to explain how drawn I was to the couple.  (FYI, footprints in the sand is my favorite poem because it is the closest I can describe how I went through my adoption process).  Doug and Heidi were the couples name and they began to write me the moment they found out that we chose them to be parents.  They would express how excited they were and wanted to know how I felt and what I was doing and really just anything and everything. 

Here is some of the journaling I wrote:

Oct 26, 1998

I got another letter from Heidi and Doug.  They are so excited, the letters made me cry.  Last night when I laid down to sleep I just started crying cause I was getting contractions and it just made me think how close I actually am to having my baby.  I'm going to have the most precious baby girl in the world and I'm giving her to a couple who will love her as much as me.  But it hurts so bad.  I called my mom and cried to her.  She worried about me all day.  Then I saw a lady I knew today and she asked when I was due, I told her, then I told her I was placing her for adoption and she said why don't you want her.  How rude, huh?  I had just got done crying too.  People think it's so bad but they don't see.

Oct 31, 1998

I'm so depressed right now.  I am so fat, uncomfortable and ugly.  The clothes I wear are so annoying I can hardly breathe.  I get pains every where possible and I wish I could just be skinny.  But  I ruined that.  I hate the thought of giving my little baby to someone else.  I should be taking care of her this going to be so hard.  I have no idea how I am going to it.  I wish I hadn't already committed to my decision.  I'm so sick of people asking me when I'm due and saying "well call me when you go into labor".  ok..I'll just have them announce it over the news so who ever wants to come can.  I don't want anyone to hold her, only me.  She's mine and I want her.  I hate how everything changes, I have all these stupid stretch marks, chunks of fat on my thighs.  Then after I have her ill have more on my stomach.  Then with my luck I'll never lose weight.  So I'll never get to wear my own clothes.  Am I going to be miserable for the rest of my life?  If sure the heck seems like it. 

The time came to finally have my baby.  As miserable as I felt being 9 months pregnant, I was really sad to go into labor because I knew I would soon have to say goodbye to my baby.  I can't describe how right I knew this all was, yet the heartache was so much and so hard and I knew I had many more hard days ahead of me.  I went into labor on November 2, 1999, only 2 days before my due date.  I had a very easy delivery and was blessed to have my mom there.  I had my little girl, who I named Jacobi, at 4:22pm.  At the time the adoption was so closed that I had to have a name I choose for her that we would use with letters being written.  I later found out they named her Sierra.  I stayed up all night with her and didn't let her go, unless it was for my mom, dad or sister to hold.  I just stared at her, wishing I could take her home.  I knew I legally could...but I couldn't.

Nov 3, 1998  (my actual journal the moment I got home from placing her)

Yesterday I gave birth to the most precious beautiful little girl, Jacobi.  She is so adorable.  She was born at 4:22 pm, 7 lbs 4 ounces and 19 inches long.  She is so wonderful.  Today was the hardest day of my life, I made the toughest decision in my whole life, deciding between keeping or placing Jacobi.  I was having second thoughts so bad; I almost bundled her up and brought her home.  It was really tough. I kept staring at this little perfect girl sleeping peacefully wondering what to do.  But I kept looking and then one time I had a thought, "she's so precious how could I give her away", at the same time I was thinking, "she's so precious she deserves a wonderful 2 parent home".  I kept her till 10:00 tonight.  My boyfriend, mom, my aunt and I all went to the social services.  My boyfriend and I drove her over, I cried and hugged and kissed her the whole way there.  Meanwhile my boyfriend is crying and trying to comfort me.  Well at the social services we all said our good byes and I took her to the back room and I handed her over to Heidi.  It was really hard but I comforted me a lot more.  I sat and watched her.  But I know everything will be o.k.  Doug and Heidi are wonderful.  I'll get pictures soon of her.  I'm already missing her.  I can still hear her cry, hear her sniffles, see her beautiful face, see her little feet stretch out, her pouty lips, her gorgeous eyes, her nose, how she would look around at us and wonder where she was.  Everything about her is perfect.

My memories that night are still so clear and It really is amazing I didn't drop my baby walking down the hall because I was crying so bad and just had a baby the day before.  The moment I walked into that room the feeling was so overwhelmingly peaceful, I was so content and can tell you for someone that wasn't very spiritual, at the time, I was and I KNOW with all of my heart that my decision was not only the right decision but the way it had to be.  I would do it all over again to learn what I did from this, to be the person I am today. 

It took me a really long time to get confident about saying I placed.  I didn't like the way people would say  "awww".  I don't like to feel I need to justify why I do what I do.  I know I could have raised her, millions of single mom's do it all the time.  I didn't want my little girl to start out in a broken home.  

4 years after I placed I ran into a girl I sort of knew who was considering adoption.  She attended the group session's like I had when I was pregnant; with the LDS social services.  She invited me to come one night and there were several girls there that night.  I sat next to a girl that was so excited about her decision to place and the family she choose.  She handed a picture to me to see who she chose and I whispered "that's my family"  I was in such shock because I could not believe my eyes and it all seemed so surreal.  I always secretly wanted to meet whoever else placed there baby to my family, I just never thought it would actually happen so I never said it out loud.  It was amazing and put a little twist to my story:)

By the way....I did lose my weight, I didn't get stretch marks and I survived.  I like to share that part because it shows that I was young and the pregnancy hormones were really talking. 

Guest Post By Rachel, Two: A Love Letter

I am so excited to have a guest post today by one of my great online friends Rachel from FYI on Rach and Ry.  (Soon to be real life friends) 

A few months before we we were chosen by Emme's birth mom I was really struggling.  After returning from vacation I received the sweetest comment on my blog from a girl named Rachel.  I remember distinctly how she told me we were a cute couple and would be chosen shortly.  I never told her how much that meant to me and how I REALLY needed to hear that.  We have stayed in contact ever since and I have watched as she has adopted a beautiful baby boy and has become a wonderful mother.

I love this post you are about to read and you will soon see for yourself what a beautiful writer and person Rachel is.  Check out some of her other great adoption posts here.  A few of my favorites are The Birth and From One Birth Mother To Another.  The second one is written by their birth mom.  So amazing!

Okay get ready and grab a tissue!

Two: A Love Letter

Baby,

The other day, as we were hanging out in the kitchen together--I doing dishes, you playing with cars at my feet--I told you that I wanted to sing you a special song because it makes me think of you and your adoption story every time I hear it.

You looked at me pensively and then said, "That sounds great, Mommy."  (I'm not kidding--you actually say things like this.  I have no idea if you really understand what you are saying, but it never fails to startle me when these things come out of your mouth.)  After such an unexpectedly mature reply from you, I started envisioning the moment we were about to have: I was going to sing a beautiful ballad for you, and you were going to stare at me intently and really soak in my love for the entire 4:37 minutes.  I pushed play on my laptop, and the lyrical music started flowing out of my speakers--and then you started screaming angrily because you expected to hear "Brave" by Sara Barellias instead of the peaceful melody that I had in mind.  ("Brave" is our favorite song to dance to together.)

And so I switched the music, and we danced.  And we never got our tender moment.  But tonight, on the eve of your second birthday, I want to take a few minutes to write down some thoughts that have been in my heart these past few weeks.

The song that always makes me think of you is called "Blessings," and it was written by an artist named Laura Story, but my favorite version is sung by the group Mercy River.  The first verse and chorus go like this:

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace,
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
And all the while, you hear each spoken need,
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

Because what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?
And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

This song makes me think of you because before you were born, I prayed and prayed to become a mother.  It didn't matter to me how I became a mother--your daddy and I started the adoption process at the same time that we started fertility treatments--but when both avenues seemed only to lead to heartache, I started to doubt and fear.  Life got dark and difficult.  An ectopic pregnancy.  Countless negative pregnancy tests.  Lots of contacts from expectant mothers who were considering adoption but eventually chose to parent or chose a different adoptive couple.

I prayed and asked why.  I prayed and asked that God end our wait immediately.  I prayed and asked what He wanted for my life.  I felt confused.  I felt angry.  I didn't understand why such a good and honest desire, to be a mother and give love to a child, wasn't being answered.  The emotions that I felt during those difficult months are captured so well in the words of the second verse of the song:

"We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear,
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love,
As if every promise from your word is not enough.
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea,
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Because what if your blessings come through raindrops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

Last week, you and I sat outside in the backyard together at your little picnic table and ate brownies and ice cream.  At the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance, you sat up straight and listened intently.  "What's that noise, Mommy?" you asked.  And when I just smiled, you said excitedly, "I hear a train, Mommy!  I hear a train!"

My heart ached with happiness, and I leaned in close. "Give Mama a kiss?" I asked.

You reached for me across the table, your fingers sticky with gooey chocolate, your face smeared with melted ice cream, and planted a peck right on my lips.

In that perfect moment I was reminded, as I am almost daily, that you--you, my perfect little boy--are the reason that God could not give me what I wanted right when I wanted it.  He knew that you were on your way, and He knew that your brave birthparents would find us when the time was right.  He couldn't send us just any baby--He knew that we needed you.   

I am grateful for my infertility.  I am grateful that none of the other adoption opportunities worked out.  I am grateful for Father in Heaven who always heard each of my desperate pleas and yet "loved me way too much to give me lesser things." I am grateful that He let me wait.

A leader in our church, Dieter Uchdorf, has said, "The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land.  Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel.  The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple.  [In the Book of Mormon], the Nephites waited for a sign of Christ's birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish.  Joseph Smith's trial in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, 'How long?' In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.
          Every one of us is called to wait in our own way.  We wait for answers to prayers.  We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer...
          Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience.  Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed.  Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

On the eve of your second birthday, Noah, this quote touches me because I am thinking about the experience of waiting for you--and I am also thinking about the future.  I hope someday our picnic table in the backyard will be full of little people, your brothers and sisters who will sit with us and eat brownies and listen to train whistles.  I don't know how they will join our family.  We are going to start fertility treatments again in the next few months, and we are always open to adopting again.  Sometimes it scares me to think about starting this process all over again, about embarking on a road that I know brings heartache.  But in the past two years of being your mama, I have learned a few things that I hope will make the experience of waiting at least a little easier this time around.

I've learned that the joy of squeezing tiny hands and feet, of snuggling a squishy baby in bed first thing in the morning, of listening to you sing the ABCs all the way through for the first time--it far outweighs the heartache that it took to get you here.  I would do it all over again, a thousand times, to be your mother.

I've also learned what I always knew yet didn't totally understand: that He has a plan for our lives and for our families.  I hope that if we face disappointments as we try to add to our family in the next few months and years, I will pull you into our cuddle chair and put my head on your hair and read you a story.  I know that won't completely take away the pain--because the heartache that often comes along with infertility and failed adoptions can be truly excruciating--but I hope as I feel my heart beating against the weight of your little body in my arms, I will remember to trust in Him and His timing.

You couldn't have come to us any sooner than you did, and as difficult as the wait was, I learned for myself the truth of the last line of the song: "What if trials of this life--the rain, the storms, the hardest nights--are His mercies in disguise?" 

Happy birthday, my little love. You are the best thing I've ever had to wait for.

Eternally yours,

Mama

Zero...one...two

*Listen to Laura Story perform "Blessings" here