Parenting::Resilience

Someone shared a great article from the Ensign about raising resilient children by Lyle J Burrup on Facebook.  I can't help but notice it says he's from LDS Family Services which is who we went through when we adopted Emme.  They are big on Love and Logic and usually have a video going about parenting with Love and Logic going in the waiting room when we have appointments.  It's been a while since I read the book, but what I gathered from it is to let you child make choices and have the consequences follow naturally whether good or bad.  It's also a lot about giving your child choices at an early age.  It really is great, and makes a lot of sense.  It is well worth your time to read.

There are many people out there that believe the whole hands off approach is leading to wimpy whiny bratty kids.  I believe the opposite.  Why?  Because I'm obsessed with  observing families.  Families in all stages of life.  Don't worry if you know me personally I'm not judging I'm learning!  Something Maggie Stevens from Parent Fix recommends and did her self is to observe other parents.

For example, there was a family in one of my wards that had THE greatest kids.  I'm still friends with them today and yes, they are still THE best kids.  Two are currently LDS missionaries, one is happily married and due with a baby any day, and two are amazing happy teenagers.  I was a leader to four of them.  It freaks me out how old they are getting, but I love to watch the good choices they are making in their lives.  You better believe I watch their parents like a hawk.  They are awesome.

One of the big things I have noticed is how they let their kids make their own choices and they help and talk them through it.  They do not run a dictatorship in other words they are not controlling.  I also know that they started this at a very young age.

Their kids also know how to work.  They were always the first to volunteer to help with whatever was needed without being asked.  Even if it was only to say a prayer in class.  They shared stories about working in the garden with their parents and getting into a mushy tomato fight that their parents started.  Hilarious!

Finally, but not lastly, they are resilient!  This family shared about how one Christmas their dad didn't have a job.  These parents could have maxed out credit cards to provide great presents for their kids, thinking it wasn't fair to them to go without, but they didn't.  They sat their kids down and explained Christmas would be small as far as presents go, but that this gave them an opportunity to observe the true meaning of Christmas and to spend time with each other.  I'm sure they asked about suggestions from the kids as to what they wanted to do.  I believe they ended up buying a family board game that served as everyone's present, and spent the holiday surrounded by snow in someone's borrowed cabin.  Every single one of those kids have said that that was their favorite Christmas so far.  What a great example that these parents set.  They brought their children into the decision making and let them learn how to be happy amid trials.  They taught them to be resilient.

So how do we teach our children this important lesson?  The parents I was telling you about have great natural parenting styles.  Me?  Not so much.  I want to!  So that's why I'm observing and trying my hardest to mimic those tools that don't come easily to me.

Lyle J Burrup shares these recommendations.

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  Pray to understand your children’s strengths and how to help them with their weaknesses.
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  Be patient and realize that children need time to develop resilience.
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  Strive to understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
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  Allow natural, logical consequences to serve as the disciplinarian.
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  Respect children’s decisions, even if their poor choices lead to lost privileges.
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  Refrain from berating children for breaking the rules.
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  Do not discourage effort by criticizing harshly.
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  Rather than praising accomplishment, encourage and praise effort.
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  “Praise your children more than you correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievement” (President Ezra Taft Benson [1899–1994], “The Honored Place of Woman,” Ensign, Nov. 1981, 107).

Our children will experience trials that are out of their control. By teaching them resilience and faith in The Lord, they will have the resources to get through them in a healthy way and hopefully come out on the other side wiser and with an even better relationship with Christ.