Thursday, November 21, 2013

Guest Post:: A Birth Mom's Story

I am elated to share with you this beautiful story.  Whenever I hear a birth mom talk about her experiences it makes me cry.  I think it's because EVERY one I hear always includes the word PEACE.  You know that our Heavenly Father is with them through this courageous act of selflessness and love.  

This account is even more special to me as it is my gorgeous cousin's story.  Two months after Emme was born we cried together in her father's hallway.  When you've been a part of something so sacred and so miraculous, you share a bond.  I can't even put it into words.  I have always had a soft place in my heart for birth moms because of her and her great example of what a real mom's love is.

 I love you, Linz!  Thank you for sharing!

So once again...grab a tissue.  You'll need it.

I was 17 and a senior in high school when I found out that I was pregnant.  I wasn't a "bad girl" I just made a mistake and it changed everything.  Naturally my parents were not happy and even tried to ground me from my boyfriend which only resulted into me sneaking around and late night phone calls, I even used a pay phone (does anyone even know what those are anymore?)  I had the mentality that I was already pregnant what more trouble could I get in to? 

I was set on keeping my baby when I found out I was pregnant, actually, in my mind there really wasn't even another option it was just what was supposed to happen, right?  It's kind of ironic really because I had done an essay on adoption only a couple months before and of course all of the books I read to do the paper had nothing good to say about adoption, so It just really wasn't a thought.

 I remember the day my mom mentioned that I should maybe consider adoption.  My heart broke hearing the words from my mom.  I now know that it wasn't an easy thing for her to bring up to me either; I know that she must have felt at peace with it or wouldn't have mentioned it at all.  I was mad at her, however, the idea started to pop in my head...a lot.  I became really confused because I REALLY wanted my baby.  I loved her and wanted to be a mom, I was mentally preparing to be a mom and thinking of all of the things I needed to do.  Yet every time I thought of adoption I felt somehow ok and that kind of annoyed me.  Every one kept saying, "you need to pray about it"  that bugged me too, cause I wasn't really in to church or praying; I wasn't really in a good spot spiritually I guess you could say.  I did pray, not really like I should have because at this time deep deep in side I already knew my answer...I just didn't want adoption to be my answer, I didn't want to feel ok about adoption being my answer.  One thing about me is that once I make a decision I stick to it; I officially came to terms of placing my baby in late July.  I was at peace with my decision but it did not take away my heartache.  

Now I begin a on a different journey of my pregnancy and choosing a family.  My boyfriend and I sat down with the counselor from the LDS social services and rattled off what we wanted the parents of our baby to be like.  I literally remember saying "I don't want her to have mom hair"  :) I did want our baby to be the couples first baby, as it would be mine, I wanted the mom to be into scrapbooking, (at the time I was into it), we wanted a country couple, (somehow we thought people that live in country were nicer:)  So after all of this and some researching for our counselor we were narrowed down to 5 couples.  I don't even remember what the other couples were like because I was immediately drawn to my couple.  It is really the strangest thing to explain how drawn I was to the couple.  (FYI, footprints in the sand is my favorite poem because it is the closest I can describe how I went through my adoption process).  Doug and Heidi were the couples name and they began to write me the moment they found out that we chose them to be parents.  They would express how excited they were and wanted to know how I felt and what I was doing and really just anything and everything. 

Here is some of the journaling I wrote:
Oct 26, 1998
I got another letter from Heidi and Doug.  They are so excited, the letters made me cry.  Last night when I laid down to sleep I just started crying cause I was getting contractions and it just made me think how close I actually am to having my baby.  I'm going to have the most precious baby girl in the world and I'm giving her to a couple who will love her as much as me.  But it hurts so bad.  I called my mom and cried to her.  She worried about me all day.  Then I saw a lady I knew today and she asked when I was due, I told her, then I told her I was placing her for adoption and she said why don't you want her.  How rude, huh?  I had just got done crying too.  People think it's so bad but they don't see.

Oct 31, 1998
I'm so depressed right now.  I am so fat, uncomfortable and ugly.  The clothes I wear are so annoying I can hardly breathe.  I get pains every where possible and I wish I could just be skinny.  But  I ruined that.  I hate the thought of giving my little baby to someone else.  I should be taking care of her this going to be so hard.  I have no idea how I am going to it.  I wish I hadn't already committed to my decision.  I'm so sick of people asking me when I'm due and saying "well call me when you go into labor".  ok..I'll just have them announce it over the news so who ever wants to come can.  I don't want anyone to hold her, only me.  She's mine and I want her.  I hate how everything changes, I have all these stupid stretch marks, chunks of fat on my thighs.  Then after I have her ill have more on my stomach.  Then with my luck I'll never lose weight.  So I'll never get to wear my own clothes.  Am I going to be miserable for the rest of my life?  If sure the heck seems like it. 

The time came to finally have my baby.  As miserable as I felt being 9 months pregnant, I was really sad to go into labor because I knew I would soon have to say goodbye to my baby.  I can't describe how right I knew this all was, yet the heartache was so much and so hard and I knew I had many more hard days ahead of me.  I went into labor on November 2, 1999, only 2 days before my due date.  I had a very easy delivery and was blessed to have my mom there.  I had my little girl, who I named Jacobi, at 4:22pm.  At the time the adoption was so closed that I had to have a name I choose for her that we would use with letters being written.  I later found out they named her Sierra.  I stayed up all night with her and didn't let her go, unless it was for my mom, dad or sister to hold.  I just stared at her, wishing I could take her home.  I knew I legally could...but I couldn't.

Nov 3, 1998  (my actual journal the moment I got home from placing her)
Yesterday I gave birth to the most precious beautiful little girl, Jacobi.  She is so adorable.  She was born at 4:22 pm, 7 lbs 4 ounces and 19 inches long.  She is so wonderful.  Today was the hardest day of my life, I made the toughest decision in my whole life, deciding between keeping or placing Jacobi.  I was having second thoughts so bad; I almost bundled her up and brought her home.  It was really tough. I kept staring at this little perfect girl sleeping peacefully wondering what to do.  But I kept looking and then one time I had a thought, "she's so precious how could I give her away", at the same time I was thinking, "she's so precious she deserves a wonderful 2 parent home".  I kept her till 10:00 tonight.  My boyfriend, mom, my aunt and I all went to the social services.  My boyfriend and I drove her over, I cried and hugged and kissed her the whole way there.  Meanwhile my boyfriend is crying and trying to comfort me.  Well at the social services we all said our good byes and I took her to the back room and I handed her over to Heidi.  It was really hard but I comforted me a lot more.  I sat and watched her.  But I know everything will be o.k.  Doug and Heidi are wonderful.  I'll get pictures soon of her.  I'm already missing her.  I can still hear her cry, hear her sniffles, see her beautiful face, see her little feet stretch out, her pouty lips, her gorgeous eyes, her nose, how she would look around at us and wonder where she was.  Everything about her is perfect.

My memories that night are still so clear and It really is amazing I didn't drop my baby walking down the hall because I was crying so bad and just had a baby the day before.  The moment I walked into that room the feeling was so overwhelmingly peaceful, I was so content and can tell you for someone that wasn't very spiritual, at the time, I was and I KNOW with all of my heart that my decision was not only the right decision but the way it had to be.  I would do it all over again to learn what I did from this, to be the person I am today. 

It took me a really long time to get confident about saying I placed.  I didn't like the way people would say  "awww".  I don't like to feel I need to justify why I do what I do.  I know I could have raised her, millions of single mom's do it all the time.  I didn't want my little girl to start out in a broken home.  

4 years after I placed I ran into a girl I sort of knew who was considering adoption.  She attended the group session's like I had when I was pregnant; with the LDS social services.  She invited me to come one night and there were several girls there that night.  I sat next to a girl that was so excited about her decision to place and the family she choose.  She handed a picture to me to see who she chose and I whispered "that's my family"  I was in such shock because I could not believe my eyes and it all seemed so surreal.  I always secretly wanted to meet whoever else placed there baby to my family, I just never thought it would actually happen so I never said it out loud.  It was amazing and put a little twist to my story:)

By the way....I did lose my weight, I didn't get stretch marks and I survived.  I like to share that part because it shows that I was young and the pregnancy hormones were really talking. 

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