My Body Hates Me

This winter is getting the best of me.

Muggy air is stupid and makes me want to move far far away.

My body likes to remind me it hates me.

Having a cyst the size of an orange is unusual.

Having a cyst that is possibly a tumor, benign or cancerous, is annoying.

Going into surgery for a cyst that burst the night before is super annoying.

Realizing I would rather endure the pain of a cyst bursting 8 times than deal with my endometriosis any day is sad.

Still having pain after cyst is gone and finding out it's because my endo is attacking my colon and bowels is frustrating.

Having to make big life decisions is overwhelming and scary.

Not understanding why an angel can't come down from Heaven and tell me what to do is confusing.  I just don't feel like it is too much to ask.  I mean...who needs free agency at a time like this anyway? 

I think a tropical island would ease my troubles right about now...

If Only to Understand

Last week we had a morning full of accomplishments.  Emme had a couple bites of cereal, her teeth were brushed, and she had matching socks on.  She screamed at Corbin in the car, but it was quickly put to rest when I started singing "Apples and Bananas."  We both giggled when we sang Ooples and boonoonoos.  We were only three minutes late getting her to school.

After a long day she came home, grabbed both her and Corbin's drinks out of the fridge, handed Corbin his milk then dragged his head on her lap while they downed their sippy cups together.  It was a perfect day.  Sure there were probably tantrums here and there and Corbin is more than needy right now while he cuts his last molar, but it was normal.  I felt like a mom of a four year old and a 15 month old.  Something that is anything, but THE normal around here.

It's amazing what 2 years of therapy, being in school full time, and a change in medication can do for a child with ADHD.  I feel like I'm finally getting to know the real Emme.  I feel like she's finally getting to know herself.  We still have daily struggles, but life is more manageable than it once was.

Not everyone agrees with our choices as parents.  It's easy to judge other parents.  Even easier when their child has behavioral issues.  How do I know? I've been there.  I knew all the answers at one point as well.  It was a hard pill to swallow when all the answers I knew didn't fit the questions to my child.  Slowly, but surely I began to realize not all situations are created equality.  My judgement walls were broken down.

Ultimately, I want what's best for my children.  I want them to know God.  I want them to know how to make wise choices.  I want them to learn how to succeed despite trials and setbacks.  I pray for them.  I seek guidance for them.  I cry over them.  We've put time, money, sweat, and tears into helping Emme be as successful as she can be.  We will continue to do that for both of our children.

It's so easy to know what's best for others.  It's simple to state what you would do if you were in their shoes and had a child like theirs.  I ask that we swallow our harsh words and oversharing of "I know best" articles on Facebook.  Offer support and a desire to understand despite what you choose to do for your own family or what you think you would choose for someone else's.  Our little family would be so much more productive if there were more people willing to try and understand Emme instead of hearing she has ADHD and assuming they know everything there is to know because they've heard a story or two of what ADHD entails.  Mean words, evil looks, and worse of all... wordy Facebook shares have never been very helpful.  The same goes for a lot of situations.

Difficulty in Motherhood

When Emme was born, I felt nothing but joy.  Honestly.  I was tired, sure, but I loved everything about having a baby.  I loved seeing her car seat in my rear view mirror.  I loved taking her to the store so others could ooo and ahhh over her.  I loved feeding her and making bottles.  I loved dressing her up for church.  I loved when Gregg came home from work and we sat and played with her until bed time.  I even loved changing her bum because she would giggle and giggle.  All of my dreams had finally come true.

When Corbin was born, I still felt joy.  Another miracle.  Another beautiful baby.  Not just one, but two car seats in my rear view mirror.  Having kids, children, munchkins, instead of a kid, a child, a munchkin.  It was surreal.  It still is.   

Life was such a contrast from when Emme was born.  After we brought Corbin home Gregg immediately started a new block in grad school. Which meant I was alone most of the time.  Corbin started to become fussier and fussier and refused to nap.  He would cry from morning to night and nothing I did would comfort him.  The change was not easy for Emme to deal with.  She became extremely violent towards Corbin and me.  I couldn't set him down for a second for fear that should would hurt him.  Occasionally, she would even sneak in his room and wake him up by hitting him in the face.  When and if he would even nap.  His constant crying drove her through the roof which made her even more aggressive.  She hated when I would feed him and would attack Corbin and me relentlessly.  I remember holding her back with my foot while trying to hold Corbin in one hand and the bottle with the other. Her ADHD was out of control and she was completely off balance.  She wasn't capable of holding still for five seconds let alone watching a whole show.  She never stopped.  The only break I had was when she went to school for a few hours, but it was never enough.  

I was more exhausted than I ever thought possible.  When Gregg would come home at 9:30pm I was already in bed sobbing myself to sleep.  I remember telling him and I wasn't meant to be a mom.  In fact I hated being a mom.  

He saw this as a red flag and reached out to a few family members for help the nights he was at school.  It was embarrassing, but I knew I needed it.  After a couple times, I could tell it became more of a chore for them so I started to lie when they asked if they were still needed.  My pride wouldn't allow me to let anyone know how terrible I was really feeling and how much help I really did need.  It wasn't their fault that I couldn't handle two children.  I couldn't inconvenience them.  

I felt so alone.  I was mad at Gregg for constantly being gone and simple because he got to leave every day.  Never have I been so homesick for my family.  Never have I wanted to run away so bad. 

I prayed for relief, patience, and for Corbin to stop crying.  I prayed for just one good day. 

I was in a full blown depression.

Slowly, but surely the days got a little better.  Emme was put on medication and for the first time I felt like we were getting to know the girl behind the disorder.  It was life changing.  At about six or seven months Corbin finally started growing out of his reflux and colic.  I was finally able to run an errand or two without him SCREAMING throughout the store.  I had a friend receive a divine prompting that I needed help and offered her services.  I took it desperately and happily.  Eventually, I realized I was looking back on the hardest part instead of drowning in it.

We still have days or even weeks that are terribly difficult.  We received a huge blessing when Emme qualified to be in preschool through the school district on top of being at a therapy school.  She requires a huge amount of structure and routine.  Our schedule is pretty much the same at our house every day, but it's not to the severity she needs.  It's almost impossible to do unless you have multiple adults helping out.  I'm freaking out about summer just a tad...

The moral to the story is, we made it past a difficult time and grew as a family for the better.  Emme continues to mature and learn and is our little comedian.  Corbin is our shy momma's boy and is usually happy unless in the car or stroller.

I hope by being honest about my experience it will help someone else not feel so alone.  Cheers to all us mom's out there who just need a nap.  I commend you.  

2014 A Reflection

All in all, 2014 made me a better person.  I learned, I struggled, I gained perspective.

I learned a lot about eternity this year through passing of loved ones, to being sealed to Corbin and also watching my best friend be sealed to her two little boys.   One of which who had already returned to our Heavenly Father.  Through all of these experiences I was taught to live with more of an eternal perspective.  I read The Message by Lance Richardson and it was seriously life changing.  I highly recommend it.

At the beginning of this year I really struggled as a mom.  I've written a post about five times now trying to describe what it was like to have a colicky baby, an aggressive child, and a husband who is always gone (not by choice).  They all sound whiny or ungrateful which is not really what I want to convey so they continue to stay drafts.  I'll work on revising them and hopefully one day I'll actually publish one.  Life is still hard, but in a different way.  We are so close to getting Emme's meds just right and Corbin is a little sweetheart.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that he joined our family despite feeling overwhelmed at the time of his arrival.  I am still in awe at the miracle those two are to me.  I feel underserving to be their mom 95% of the time.

Survive.  You could say that was my goal for 2014.  When in survival mode you tend to delete a lot from your life.  Shopping? Nah.  Having a spotless house?  Not possible.  Date nights?  What are those?  Relationships?  Put on hold.  Organization?  Don't make me laugh.  Working out?  Stop.  Just stop.

Obviously "survive" is not the best goal, but it's all I had to work with and guess what ya'll?  Mission accomplished.

I have a lot of hope for 2015.  Gregg finishes school this Spring, I'm starting to pursue photography, and our little munchkins are healthy and happy.  I'm excited to see what this year holds.