Choices and Understanding

For the past two years I have struggled with the decision whether or not to have a hysterectomy due to my endometriosis.  I came very close once, but ultimately didn't feel right about it.  I had a laparoscopy instead (my fourth) and for almost a year it did bring some relief.

Even with the combination of birth control, my pain started to creep back in.  Before I knew it I was uncomfortable all of the time.  Ninety five percent of the time I awoke already hurting.  The pain would come and go all day long, but always was at it's worst in the morning.  I think it was due to have a full bladder and that irritating the endometriosis that covered it.  I had no choice, but to push through and take care of my kids even though I just wanted to lay down in fetal position all day.  I'm thankful I had my children to teach me to endure despite set backs.  Not to mention, I never knew what pain was connected to endo and what was just normal.  It's hard to decipher what your suppose to feel like when you've always had issues.  To me it wasn't necessarily pain, because I never felt anything BUT uncomfortable.  For all I knew everyone felt like that.  I always wondered if I just ate something that hated me.

Early this year I had a cyst the size of an orange.  It had a possible cancerous spot and after some thought and prayer I decided to have my whole ovary removed.  I knew a hysterectomy was close in sight, so losing one ovary didn't scare me too bad.  Gregg was still in school and we were barely surviving so I knew it was not the time for a full hysterectomy.  I would need a huge incision in order to pull out the giant ovary and safely remove it without spreading possible cancer throughout my body.  I was mentally prepared and just wanted relief.

During my pre-op appointment the day before surgery my doctor did one last exam to make sure the cyst was still there and growing.  Sure enough it was so he went over everything I needed to know and then left the room.  I immediately felt more uncomfortable, but figured it what due to the exam irritating my insides.  I still had to go to the hospital to do my pre-op check in and get blood work done.  I didn't feel good, but the intensity was about the same I had had on and off so I pushed through.  The nurse asked my what my pain level and I said it was a five.  Which makes me laugh now.  After I was done I picked up dinner and went home to finish cleaning the house for the next day.  I didn't feel too different than normal so I decided not to waste an Ibuprofen and to just deal with it.

I awoke the next morning feeling back to normal and we continued on with surgery.  After I had been put to sleep, my doctor decided to do one last exam before cutting me open.  To his surprise the cyst was completely gone.  They did an ultra sound and found lots of fluid floating around my abdomen confirming that the cyst had burst recently.  I came out of anesthesia very confused and also very embarrassed.  How did I not know I had a cyst burst?  Doesn't that send people to the hospital because of the intensity of the pain?

It didn't take long for me to realize that the pain from my endometriosis caused way more pain that a cyst bursting.  It was the first time my doctor or I understood the intense misery I was really enduring every day.  It was time to have a serious conversation with myself about having a hysterectomy.

At first I cried a lot.  I knew the time was near, but I didn't know if I had the strength. My infertility was thrown in my face all over again.  Friends my age were announcing pregnancies and all I could think about was the fact that I should be able to relate to them more than I could to 50 year old woman.  I had always secretly hoped I would become pregnant by surprise and I would finally be able to take a breath of relief.  My burden would be gone and I wouldn't be infertile anymore.  Just like I always suspected.  I obviously hadn't come to terms with being grouped as such.  My mom had six kids for heaven sakes.  I should be freaking out about being pregnant AGAIN not coming to terms with the fact that I will never, NEVER know what it's like to birth a child.

It was sad and tragic and I let myself cry...alot.  I had to mourn the loss.

We set a tentative date for 5 months away when Gregg was done with school.  I knew if I was going to make such a permanent decision I had to have a concrete answer from up above before I could go through with it.  I prayed and prayed and prayed some more.  I weighed the pros and cons and went back and forth on what to do constantly.  After one such prayer a thought came to me saying, "your home will still be filled with children."  It was comforting that there was still an important plan for our family that didn't involve me birthing children, yet I still had reservations that having a hysterectomy at this time was the right thing to do.

The ONLY concrete answer I ever had was that of Free Agency.  Meaning, it was my choice.  If I was done I could be done.  If I needed more time I could have more time.

NOT the answer I wanted.  You see,  I am a rule follower for the most part. Not that I don't make mistakes or occasionally go against the teachings of the LDS church, let's not get into my weaknesses at the moment,  but when making big/huge/permanent choices I like to know the Big Guy is directing me on what to do.  I mean WHAT ON EARTH WAS HAPPENING?  Just tell me yes or no and let's get on with life.  I should not be trusted with such important decisions and yet, here I was.

In an email I received a couple weeks ago from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints they answered this perfectly.  Elder Richard G. Scott said in a general conference talk, "You may want to express thanks when that occurs, for it is evidence of His trust....God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision."

I moved forward and actually made the call to schedule surgery.  During and after the phone call I was completely calm.  I took that as a good sign to move forward.  

Preparations were made, babysitters found, and before I knew it I was laying on a table with big scary lights above my head ready to be turned on to change my life forever.  My last memory is one of prayer.  I admitted I was scared and needed peace and comfort.  

Before I knew it, my name was being called and I immediately felt horrid pain.  Greater than that was the overwhelming peace covering me like a protective blanket.  I did it.  I made it through.  Despite feeling like...well... like something had been ripped out of me, I felt relief and quite possibly even joy.  

Never have I felt so watched over and comforted during a time that should be upsetting and bitter.  

I was kept in the maternity ward during my night at the hospital.  Twice I had random nurses burst into my room cheerfully asking us where our baby was.  My nurses were like Pit Bull's protecting their young and angrily sent them away.  I literally laughed it off.  The irony, I thought to myself.  During the night I heard newborn after newborn crying in their mother's room.  I was only thankful I could go back to sleep without worrying about feeding a baby.  The next morning as I was being wheeled to our car we shared the elevator with a dad holding gift bags and pastel pink balloons announcing the birth of their new baby girl.  The nurse kept me busy talking about my own two children, bringing memories of their unique and precious deliveries.  I thought, how lucky am I to have M?  She made a choice far harder and more important than I just did and she did it.  I recall during the few weeks before Emme was born, M using the word peace over and over.  Placing Emme was physically and mentally excruciatingly heart wrenching for her, yet she used the word peace several times.  She had complete agency to choose, but she was not left comfortless.  While riding in that hospital elevator I finally understood what it was like to have an army of angels sent to comfort and provide at the most critical moments in our life.  I like to imagine a room full of women calming and holding me during my hospital stay.  I felt them and know they were sent to carry me through.  

About a week after my surgery Gregg and I had a moment alone thanks to my mom coming to help.  I started to cry as I told him about my experience and the realization that the intensity of their warmth had left.  I told him I was ok and I would be ok.  He just needed to know that random tears would be shed here and there as I continued to seek healing from infertility.  

And so it goes...seven weeks post op and I have very minimal pain.  I can already see the benefit of having a hysterectomy.  The choice was mine and I am thankful I was trusted enough to make it.

--Then sings my soul, My Savior God to Thee.  How great Thou art, How great Thou art.  

Corrective Teaching

Find the first post to this series here.


Corrective Teaching

If you've started applying Preventative Teaching with your children, you're probably wondering, "what happens if my child still doesn't obey?"  Answer is...you go into Corrective Teaching.

There will be times where your child still misbehaves even if you've set them up for success.  There will also be many times where events happen in the moment and Preventative Teaching is not option.

Children are likely to test the waters ESPECIALLY when a new concept is being introduced.  It's healthy to test the limits to a point, but obviously there has to be some boundaries.  Expect major temper tantrums during the first few weeks.  They are called extinguish bursts.  Know this is normal and it will pass.  Push through.  Emme is no exception.  She has tried everything in her power to get us to revert back to our old ways.  There were many times I thought I was going to rip my hair out and run for the hills.  Most importantly when using these new tools STAY CALM and stick to the plan.


Steps

1.  Stop/Describe the problem behavior.
2.  Give a negative consequence.
3.  Describe the positive behavior. 



Simplified or How I Do It.

1.  "Emme, because you hit Corbin you get a consequence."
2.  "You need to sit by the wall for 4 min."
3.  "Good job doing your consequence.  I'm so proud that you did it right away."


I should explain that Emme is learning new skills as well.  She first learned some healthy coping skills, which I'll talk about another day, and second she learned to follow instructions.  When I ask her to do something she is supposed to follow the steps below.

I pretty much have to prompt her on every single one right now, but she is starting to say "OK, mom!"  If she fails to do what we've asked or doesn't follow through with the rules we've set up during Preventative Teaching then she gets a consequence.  

Consequences

Negative

Sarah wrote a bunch of different consequences on popsicle sticks.  The ones that have black tips are for more severe behaviors.  Pulling out a popsicle helps with the consequences being sporadic and less likely to predict.  If Emme knew that she had to go to time out every time she had a consequence it would most likely lose it's effectiveness.  

Only give one consequence at a time.  Building more and more consequences will make a kid feel defeated and then they will most likely give up completely.  They are only expected to do their consequence and whatever it is that you asked them to do before can play or do anything else.  

EXAMPLE

"Emme it's time to go potty!"  

"No mom, I'm not going!"

"Because you refuse to go potty you have to chosen to get a consequence."

Pull out a popsicle stick and read the consequence.

"It says to clean off the table.  Here is a wipe."

Wipes off table.

"The table looks so clean.  Good job!  Now it's time to go potty."

After she goes potty...

"I'm so proud of you for going potty!  You can go back to playing Barbies now."

**Note that it is not always this easy... especially in the beginning.

Positive

Positive consequences and praise are very important and in the long run, way more effective than negative.  Make sure that you are praising and reinforcing good behavior way more than you are giving negative consequences.  That doesn't mean you let bad behavior slide, just that you remember to praise the good behavior as well.  In the beginning it will be hard, and most likely they will be getting quite a few negative consequences as they test you, but it is especially important to praise praise praise the good behaviors.  It is more likely that they will follow direction if they have been getting positive feedback from you all day than it is if you've been nagging them.  If they have a day that they are especially pushing your buttons, work even harder to tell them the things they are doing right.  It can be as simple as thanking them for tying their own shoes, or sitting quietly for two seconds.  Praise doesn't always have to be after you've asked them to do something either.  It can be over something you just catch them doing already. 

Sarah also set up a pom pom jar for Emme.  Every time Emme earns four pom poms she get to put them in the jar and choose a prize from the prize box.  I went and bought a ton of dollar items I knew she would like.  I even mixed in a few pieces of candy.  

When she fills her jar up to one of the lines she gets a bigger prize.  So far she has earned two Barbies and she knows when she gets to the top she gets a big Barbie car.  I have to admit Emme hasn't been super thrilled with the whole pom pom thing, but she does love picking out the prizes.  I always make sure to tell her how proud I am that she EARNED her new prize.  Her face always lights up when I say it.  It's important to have small goals.  If it takes too long to get to a prize, your child may get bored of it really quick.  

Keep in mind prizes can be things like getting to play a game with you, or having time on the iPad.  Obviously a 16 year old will not care about a silly dollar toy.  Get creative.  

Never reward negative behavior.  This is tricky.  Things like "If you stop crying you can have a sucker," or "If you stop screaming you can play with the iPad," are not going to stop bad behavior long term.  

A more effective way would be, "Because you are crying you need to pull a consequence."  

Then only after they are calm and finished with their consequence can you reward them.  

"You earned a sucker because you calmed down and did your consequence."

Real Life Examples

If your child is more compliant they may feel bad and want to fulfill their consequence quickly to earn your affection once again.  If that is the case, then hooray for you! Give them poms poms for doing their consequences right away.   That was not the case with my super defiant/independent child. 

She was really excited about the consequences on the popsicle sticks at first and acted in ways that she knew would earn them.  Cleaning sounded really fun to her the first day, so she did everything in her power to get in trouble.  Even though I was freaking out inside I kept my cool because I was told this would happen and I finally had a plan.  

After about a day and a half Emme started to refuse to do her consequences.  Cue, extinguish bursts.  They were big and they weren't pretty.  When this happens you go into what is called Intensive Teaching.  That will be my next post, but to keep it a little more simple I'm going to stick with Corrective for today. 

So for now I will give real examples of when Emme has done her consequence right away.  This didn't happen until we had been implementing the program for about a week and a half.  So stick to your guns even if it feels like they'll never comply.  

EXAMPLE 1. 

Emme was spitting in Corbin's face which earned an immediate consequence.

"Because you are spitting in Corbin's face you have earned a consequence." 

Consequence was sitting in time out for 4 min.  

Emme said "OK mom, that was really bad that I spit in his face."  Shocking I know!  Is this my Emme?!

Emme walks to the wall and sits down. 

"You are doing such a good job doing your consequence."  "Thank you for doing it right away!"  

Usually I give her some more positive prompts while she sits there.  

After four minutes.

"I'm so proud that you finished your consequence."  "Let's give you a pom pom for sitting there the whole time."

EXAMPLE 2.

After doing Preventative Teaching before going to Sam's Club Emme still didn't behave.

"Emme, remember the rules.  I need you to keep a quiet voice."

Emme continued to scream.

"Because you are still screaming we need to go sit in the car while dad finishes the shopping and you don't get to earn your cookie on the way home."

Emme walked calmly to the car with me.  

"You are doing a really good job walking by mom."  

Then we went and sat in the car.  Eventually, she wanted to go back into the store and was upset she couldn't have a cookie, so I empathized with her.

"I know, it's so sad that you chose to scream instead of having a cookie."   

She whined some more about it, then found a nearby marker she had in her carseat and drew all over her pants.  

"Mom, I drew all over my pants because you wouldn't let me have my cookie."

"Uh, oh Emme.  Right when we get home you need to pull a consequence because writing on our pants is not okay.  You also chose not to have a cookie when you wouldn't stop screaming."

We were going straight home so I knew she'd still understand why she was getting a consequence.  If we were going anywhere else I would have made up a different more immediate consequence.  

We got home and she did her consequence right away.  I praised her and gave her some pom poms for completing her task then we moved on with our day.

Technically that was two consequences, but because she had already fulfilled the first one and she did a new separate act, I felt it was okay to give her another one.

Next Time...

Next topic will be Coping Skills and Intensive Teaching.  I will also talk about Baiting and If/Then statements.

You may want to pause on implementing Corrective Teaching until you learn Intensive Teaching.  If your child is anything like Emme there will be hell to pay when you consistently start using these new tools and you will need to know what to do when the tantrums hit.  Get ready to put your game face on friends!

This is a lot of info to take in and it's late at night that I'm writing this so please feel free to email me abarnowlsview@gmail.com or leave a comment below if you have questions.  

Preventative Teaching

As I have talked about before we are in a parenting program right now.  It has been insightful and needed, but also hard and sometimes even gut wrenching.  I've decided to write about the tools I'm learning because it has already changed the course of our lives as parents and I know it could help others.

For anyone who is wanting to look into the program first hand, it is through Utah Village and is called Families First.  The University of Utah does a study on it every year to make sure it is still effective.  In fact my niece works at a residential home for teenage girls and uses the exact same program.  Quite interesting if you ask me.  Sara* (name changed) our specialist works with ages up to 18 and uses all of the same tools.  My point being...it works for all ages and with some of the hardest behaviors.  Now I do want to point out that I do believe Emme needed to be in a place where she could actually slow down and focus on what's being taught.  Thanks to the right medication and hard work our therapist felt like Emme was in a place where she could learn and actually retain the information she was being given.   There was a time it was not so.  But, I digress...

The first skill I learned was Preventative Teaching and guys... it is life changing.  With this skill we noticed more of change right away whereas the other skills took some more work to see improvement.

 Note* most of this info is straight from their handbook and not my from my own genius mind.

Preventive Teaching

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
-Benjamin Franklin

When to use________

1. When your child needs to learn something new.
2. When your child has behaved inappropriately in the past.
3. Always at a neutral time. 

Steps________

1. Positive motivation statement
2. Introduce the skill and steps
3. Reason for using the skill
4. Demonstrate skill
5. Youth Practice (at least 3 times)
6. Praise and feedback
7. Positive consequence (reward)
8. Preventive prompts

Simplified_________

1. Tell them something positive.   ex. - "You are doing such a good job sitting quiet right now."
2. Talk to them about how you want them to act later.  ex. - "Later we are going out to eat and I want you to stay in your chair, keep your voice quiet, and ask mom or dad for their phone if you get bored."
3. Reason.  ex. - "because we enjoy our dinner more when everyone uses their quiet voice and stays seated."
4. Reward.  ex. - "if you do that we can stop for a cookie on the way home."
5. Practice.  ex. - "Let's play restaurant and show each other how we're going to act tonight at dinner."

**To be honest I don't always give a reason, because at Emme's age the least amount of words I say the better she can remember everything.  We also tend to skip practicing here and there and it still seems to work fine.  I usually just remind her of what I expect of her a few more times throughout the day.

Real Life Situations__________


We noticed an immediate difference after introducing Preventative Teaching.

Before... Emme was running away and refusing to go to class at school.  She would kick me and scream the second she saw me after school.  She was hitting and biting friends during school.  She was getting scores of 2s and 3s (five being the best) on her goals.  Church was hell (is that an oxymoron?) because she was escaping from primary and running through the halls.  She occasionally would throw a chair and scare the other kids.  She'd lay on the floor next to the person doing sharing time and roll around.  She'd come into my class while I was teaching and take apart my bag.  Once she even cut her dress.  Seriously guys....Church...!!   At restaurants she would refuse to stay in her seat and crawl all over the dirty floor under the table.  She'd scream and run around the table.  Getting her into the car at any time was like catching a squirrel while it's running up a tree.  The list goes on and on my friends.

After... Emme went right to class, treated her friends nicely, scored 5s every day, and walked straight to the car after school without screaming or hitting me. At church, she has stayed with her class every single week and hasn't disrupted the group once or run away.  Serious miracles.  She has improved immensely at restaurants, but still gets pretty wiggly.  She no longer spends it on the disgusting floor though and to that I call it a success.  85% of the time she gets into the car with no problems and I no longer have to catch her and physically put her in the car.


Things to Note_________

Praise is key and you can never use too much of it.  Find ways to uplift your child all the live long day.  Especially, when you feel like they are underserving of it.

Positive consequences, like giving rewards, changes the way the brains thinks and acts where as negative doesn't.  Don't freak out... I'm not saying you can't use negative consequences only that positive is what brings the long term change.  I'll talk about negative and positive consequences in another post.

Rewards can be anything.  Treats, reading a book together, getting to go to the park, getting to play their favorite toy, extra time on a device.  Whatever floats your kid's boat.


Questions?_______

Feel free to comment or email me abarnowlsview@gmail.com

I'll answer the best I can!

Last Day

Emme had her final day at her therapeutic school today.  She's been going there five days a week for a year and a half.  Boy, have we had our ups and downs while she's attended.  She is not the same girl she was when she started.  The program is amazing and I am so thankful we live close to it. I know our moving to where we live was not by chance.  We will still see her therapist and psychologist there until she's six so I'm thankful for that.  Let's just move on before I start to cry.

Here is a list of things I will miss.  Eeerrr....something like that.

---Walking Emme into school looking like I just crawled out of the gutter.  ---Ok bed, but it might as well be the gutter for how awesome I looked.  I could put those "only at Walmart people" to shame.  When she first started I would put a little cover up on my face and maybe some jeans.  Today I went with greasy hair, sticking up bangs, a brown hoodie, no bra or undershirt, black exercise pants, and gray Toms.  Most days I just threw boots on over my pajama pants and left.  My face alone is a force to be reckoned with right now.  Acne is the new black right? Ya'll I just don't care.  Emme got to school looking pretty darn cute most days, so kudos to me!

---The dude holding the sign for the oil changing car place.---  On a cold winter day I almost gave you my gloves.  You were holding the special of the day (which never actually changed) with gloveless hands and I just couldn't bare the thought of you going all winter like that.  I pulled up really close and right as I was rolling down my window you stomped out your cigarette and dragged your gloves out of your pocket.  If cars could do an awkward moon walk out of a parking lot, then I nailed it that day.  To be very serious though, you impressed me with your dedication and endurance.  No matter the weather, you were out doing your job.  We could all learn a lot from you.

---The back and forth drive.  I won't miss you.

---Sonic.  Thanks for being close by.  I think we all know how I feel about that place.

---Emme's teachers/angels.  You are rockstars. You truly love those kids.  Thanks for throwing Emme a Last Day party and going out of your way to buy her gifts.  I have a feeling there will be a meltdown come Monday morning when she finally understands she won't be seeing you anymore.

---The cop that sat at the same spot every day.  Dude, find a new trap already.

---Being able to shower.  Goodbye nice smelling Lacey.

Emme with her teachers.  For real, I love them.  The one on the left has been crying all week about Emme leaving.

Sanity

We are officially counting down the days until Gregg is done with school. If I could relate this to anything it would be like running a race. A really long hilly race. One that you don't really care to win, you just want to finish. We are in the part of the run where you can see the finish line, but every inch of your body wants to quit due to the 100s of miles behind you. Yes, 100s.   Point is, we are done. So freaking done. 3 months feel like 3 years. I'm tired of not being together as a family.  I hate that every moment is so busy and relationships have been put on hold. 

I admit that I have moments of panic of what's to come, but most of me wants/needs to believe that things will calm down and become a little simpler. Until then, I'm relying on my good ol' coping skills. 

Jimmy Johns. Thank you for being so fast and so close to my home. Your delivery service and lettuce wrapped sandwiches have become one of my best friends on these many lonely nights. 

Sonic, Straws, and Swig. Or S cubed...as I like to call you, thank you for your Dirty Diet Cokes, for not judging me when I pull up to the window to pay and realize I forgot my wallet, and your beautiful sugar cookies. You...complete....me. I hope we don't break up in three months, but I may be seeing less of you. Who am I kidding? I will still love you. 

Photography. You get me.  You've saved me. 

Understanding friends. Thanks for not judging my lack of social skills, but supporting me completely. I KNOW I've survived because of you. 

Instagram. I'm addicted. We should probably tone it down a bit. 

Professional geniuses who get our family. I heart you.  

Super Nanny 911

Several months ago Emme's therapist referred us to a program that would help us specifically in our home since we were still having some major issues at the time.

It's an eight week program that's essentially like the show Super Nanny.  A lady observes us for a week and then teaches us all new skills for the next 7 weeks.  She spends about 8-10 hours with us every week so it's pretty intense.

I forgot all about it until I got a phone call recently saying we could start the next day.  I was a bit nervous to have someone in our home for such an extensive amount of time.  I mean, who can keep their house clean for that long?!  Not to mention every weakness I have would be on display and scrutinized extensively.  For real...no one needs to know that I rarely cook dinner and drink 44oz Dirty Diet Cokes on the daily.  Did I say that out loud?

We started a few weeks ago and just got done with the observation stage.  I just learned my first new skill on Friday and Emme will start working on her's this coming week.  I was pretty skeptical at first, but now I can't say enough how grateful I am to be a part of this program.  Our helper was very complimentary of me and even started me a few steps ahead since I was somewhat doing what they teach already.  Let me just toot my own horn here...toot toot.

Everything they teach is written down in a binder and put in steps which is exactly how my brain works.  I love that we have somewhat of a plan and have someone right there to help us implement the new tools.  Will it fix Emme's ADHD?  Not necessarily, but it will help her to learn how to deal with frustrations and how to cope in situations that are difficult for her.  It will also give us as parents the keys to support her now and in the future.  

I'm so proud of Emme and the hard work she has done to get to where she is.  She has to overcome so much every day just to accomplish simple tasks that other kids her age just know naturally.  So many people mention how they don't know how we handle Emme's intensity every day, but Emme is the one with the disability.  She is the one that has to struggle and try to retrain her brain all day every day.  She is a fighter.

My Body Hates Me

This winter is getting the best of me.

Muggy air is stupid and makes me want to move far far away.

My body likes to remind me it hates me.

Having a cyst the size of an orange is unusual.

Having a cyst that is possibly a tumor, benign or cancerous, is annoying.

Going into surgery for a cyst that burst the night before is super annoying.

Realizing I would rather endure the pain of a cyst bursting 8 times than deal with my endometriosis any day is sad.

Still having pain after cyst is gone and finding out it's because my endo is attacking my colon and bowels is frustrating.

Having to make big life decisions is overwhelming and scary.

Not understanding why an angel can't come down from Heaven and tell me what to do is confusing.  I just don't feel like it is too much to ask.  I mean...who needs free agency at a time like this anyway? 

I think a tropical island would ease my troubles right about now...

If Only to Understand

Last week we had a morning full of accomplishments.  Emme had a couple bites of cereal, her teeth were brushed, and she had matching socks on.  She screamed at Corbin in the car, but it was quickly put to rest when I started singing "Apples and Bananas."  We both giggled when we sang Ooples and boonoonoos.  We were only three minutes late getting her to school.

After a long day she came home, grabbed both her and Corbin's drinks out of the fridge, handed Corbin his milk then dragged his head on her lap while they downed their sippy cups together.  It was a perfect day.  Sure there were probably tantrums here and there and Corbin is more than needy right now while he cuts his last molar, but it was normal.  I felt like a mom of a four year old and a 15 month old.  Something that is anything, but THE normal around here.

It's amazing what 2 years of therapy, being in school full time, and a change in medication can do for a child with ADHD.  I feel like I'm finally getting to know the real Emme.  I feel like she's finally getting to know herself.  We still have daily struggles, but life is more manageable than it once was.

Not everyone agrees with our choices as parents.  It's easy to judge other parents.  Even easier when their child has behavioral issues.  How do I know? I've been there.  I knew all the answers at one point as well.  It was a hard pill to swallow when all the answers I knew didn't fit the questions to my child.  Slowly, but surely I began to realize not all situations are created equality.  My judgement walls were broken down.

Ultimately, I want what's best for my children.  I want them to know God.  I want them to know how to make wise choices.  I want them to learn how to succeed despite trials and setbacks.  I pray for them.  I seek guidance for them.  I cry over them.  We've put time, money, sweat, and tears into helping Emme be as successful as she can be.  We will continue to do that for both of our children.

It's so easy to know what's best for others.  It's simple to state what you would do if you were in their shoes and had a child like theirs.  I ask that we swallow our harsh words and oversharing of "I know best" articles on Facebook.  Offer support and a desire to understand despite what you choose to do for your own family or what you think you would choose for someone else's.  Our little family would be so much more productive if there were more people willing to try and understand Emme instead of hearing she has ADHD and assuming they know everything there is to know because they've heard a story or two of what ADHD entails.  Mean words, evil looks, and worse of all... wordy Facebook shares have never been very helpful.  The same goes for a lot of situations.

Difficulty in Motherhood

When Emme was born, I felt nothing but joy.  Honestly.  I was tired, sure, but I loved everything about having a baby.  I loved seeing her car seat in my rear view mirror.  I loved taking her to the store so others could ooo and ahhh over her.  I loved feeding her and making bottles.  I loved dressing her up for church.  I loved when Gregg came home from work and we sat and played with her until bed time.  I even loved changing her bum because she would giggle and giggle.  All of my dreams had finally come true.

When Corbin was born, I still felt joy.  Another miracle.  Another beautiful baby.  Not just one, but two car seats in my rear view mirror.  Having kids, children, munchkins, instead of a kid, a child, a munchkin.  It was surreal.  It still is.   

Life was such a contrast from when Emme was born.  After we brought Corbin home Gregg immediately started a new block in grad school. Which meant I was alone most of the time.  Corbin started to become fussier and fussier and refused to nap.  He would cry from morning to night and nothing I did would comfort him.  The change was not easy for Emme to deal with.  She became extremely violent towards Corbin and me.  I couldn't set him down for a second for fear that should would hurt him.  Occasionally, she would even sneak in his room and wake him up by hitting him in the face.  When and if he would even nap.  His constant crying drove her through the roof which made her even more aggressive.  She hated when I would feed him and would attack Corbin and me relentlessly.  I remember holding her back with my foot while trying to hold Corbin in one hand and the bottle with the other. Her ADHD was out of control and she was completely off balance.  She wasn't capable of holding still for five seconds let alone watching a whole show.  She never stopped.  The only break I had was when she went to school for a few hours, but it was never enough.  

I was more exhausted than I ever thought possible.  When Gregg would come home at 9:30pm I was already in bed sobbing myself to sleep.  I remember telling him and I wasn't meant to be a mom.  In fact I hated being a mom.  

He saw this as a red flag and reached out to a few family members for help the nights he was at school.  It was embarrassing, but I knew I needed it.  After a couple times, I could tell it became more of a chore for them so I started to lie when they asked if they were still needed.  My pride wouldn't allow me to let anyone know how terrible I was really feeling and how much help I really did need.  It wasn't their fault that I couldn't handle two children.  I couldn't inconvenience them.  

I felt so alone.  I was mad at Gregg for constantly being gone and simple because he got to leave every day.  Never have I been so homesick for my family.  Never have I wanted to run away so bad. 

I prayed for relief, patience, and for Corbin to stop crying.  I prayed for just one good day. 

I was in a full blown depression.

Slowly, but surely the days got a little better.  Emme was put on medication and for the first time I felt like we were getting to know the girl behind the disorder.  It was life changing.  At about six or seven months Corbin finally started growing out of his reflux and colic.  I was finally able to run an errand or two without him SCREAMING throughout the store.  I had a friend receive a divine prompting that I needed help and offered her services.  I took it desperately and happily.  Eventually, I realized I was looking back on the hardest part instead of drowning in it.

We still have days or even weeks that are terribly difficult.  We received a huge blessing when Emme qualified to be in preschool through the school district on top of being at a therapy school.  She requires a huge amount of structure and routine.  Our schedule is pretty much the same at our house every day, but it's not to the severity she needs.  It's almost impossible to do unless you have multiple adults helping out.  I'm freaking out about summer just a tad...

The moral to the story is, we made it past a difficult time and grew as a family for the better.  Emme continues to mature and learn and is our little comedian.  Corbin is our shy momma's boy and is usually happy unless in the car or stroller.

I hope by being honest about my experience it will help someone else not feel so alone.  Cheers to all us mom's out there who just need a nap.  I commend you.  

2014 A Reflection

All in all, 2014 made me a better person.  I learned, I struggled, I gained perspective.

I learned a lot about eternity this year through passing of loved ones, to being sealed to Corbin and also watching my best friend be sealed to her two little boys.   One of which who had already returned to our Heavenly Father.  Through all of these experiences I was taught to live with more of an eternal perspective.  I read The Message by Lance Richardson and it was seriously life changing.  I highly recommend it.

At the beginning of this year I really struggled as a mom.  I've written a post about five times now trying to describe what it was like to have a colicky baby, an aggressive child, and a husband who is always gone (not by choice).  They all sound whiny or ungrateful which is not really what I want to convey so they continue to stay drafts.  I'll work on revising them and hopefully one day I'll actually publish one.  Life is still hard, but in a different way.  We are so close to getting Emme's meds just right and Corbin is a little sweetheart.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that he joined our family despite feeling overwhelmed at the time of his arrival.  I am still in awe at the miracle those two are to me.  I feel underserving to be their mom 95% of the time.

Survive.  You could say that was my goal for 2014.  When in survival mode you tend to delete a lot from your life.  Shopping? Nah.  Having a spotless house?  Not possible.  Date nights?  What are those?  Relationships?  Put on hold.  Organization?  Don't make me laugh.  Working out?  Stop.  Just stop.

Obviously "survive" is not the best goal, but it's all I had to work with and guess what ya'll?  Mission accomplished.

I have a lot of hope for 2015.  Gregg finishes school this Spring, I'm starting to pursue photography, and our little munchkins are healthy and happy.  I'm excited to see what this year holds.

The Family is of God

Church is something of a challenge for my little family right now.

Corbin is one and well, one year olds hate church.  It's a given.  Gregg spends 2/3 of church out in the hallway and the other 1/3 we play lion tamer by pulling out all of the tricks.  Last sunday we gave him a squeezy food to which he went a little haywire and flung it out of his mouth while squishing the packet.  As a result, food splattered as far as two rows up and got all over the man in front of us.  We're a classy family like that.

Emme on the other hand, has decided she can and will go wherever she wants to during church.  Primary is more of a suggestion.  An obstacle if you will.  She can be found fleeing the scene about a dozen times throughout the duration.  I'm a teacher in Primary for another class and that doesn't help. She's about a 1000 times worse when her parents are around.

We've been trying to incorporate Family Home Evening into our week and we all usually end up in a frustrated ball of contention.  Not really what FHE is all about.  Emme will simply not have it.  I've been trying to prepare her for her Primary program by playing the songs they've been learning, but once again, she will not have it.  After the first two lines, she's moved on.

A few weeks ago, we practiced for the program during church.  All of the kids struggled and had a hard time sitting for that long, but Emme took the cake.  If she wasn't laying in front of the group flailing around she was escaping out the door and running her little heart out.  Time number four after I had ran out to grab her, the president took over.  I then had to watch while she kicked and hit the poor women while trying to get to the door knob.  My eyes started to water while we practiced "The Family is of God."  Emme was out of control screaming in front of everyone as we came to the chorus,  "God gave us families, to help us become what He wants us to be---This is how He shares His love, for the family is of God."

I had many thoughts cross my mind at that moment, but the one at the forefront was, "who AM I becoming?"  That day it was a little embarrassed and lot stressed out.

I had NO idea how the actual program would go.  I knew of one song out of sixish that she had memorized.  During one of Emme's joy runs the president and Gregg discussed what would be best.  They questioned even having her sit on the stand at all.  It was a valid suggestion.  Who knew what she was capable or incapable of?  I sure didn't.

The time came for the Primary to overtake Sacrament meeting.  The president sat next to Emme and had a row of chairs blocking any escape.  She's a genius, by the way.  Well, wouldn't you know?  Emme was born to perform.  After hearing her speaking part a couple times she had it memorized and belted it into the microphone.  Every. Single. Song. Was sung with gusto...and by gusto I mean GUSTO.  She had every word memorized.  Gregg and his mom who had come to watch got multiple thumbs up and waves.  Even a few, "HI DAD! HI GRAMMY!"

Our daughter, the incapable/the capable rocked the Primary Program.  We came to The Family is of God and every eye was on Emme and her bright belting take on it.  I soon saw tears flowing throughout the crowd and the president and I were not an exception.  There were a handful of people who know Emme well and knew they were witnessing a miracle unfold.  It was a tear jerker.

This time my heart burst with pride and I felt the confirmation of the words, "God gave us families, to help us become what He wants us to be---This is how He shares his love, for the family is of God."

Thank You Notes

Thank you daylight savings for changing my children's wake up time from an already unbearable 6:30 AM to an impossible 5:30 AM.  Sure, in reality it's the same time, but yet it feels so wrong.

Thank you dishwasher motor for burning out and filling our home with smoke and a nice electrical fire smell.  The timing was perfect as we were already buying a washer and dryer.  I love killing two birds with one stone...or two bank accounts with three faulty appliances.

Thank you Lacey for hand washing all of the dishes tonight unknowingly flooding the basement due to the dishwasher being unhooked.  You're an idiot.

Thank you Dirty Diet Coke for being my happy place right now.  You complete me.

Booger Drool

In order to get Emme to sleep at night we lowered her ADHD meds. Less meds = more chaos.  More chaos = more sleep = a lose/win situation.  You follow? 

We are all getting more sleep around here yet ironically the days are harder. Which brings me to the point of this post which is: less meds = sensory disorder maheim. I realize the transition there has a lot to be desired.  Hang in there friends. 

Emme's biggest sensory issue has to do with her mouth. She has very low muscle tone, therefore she still drools and wants to taste anything and everything (except anything that's actually edible.)

Case and point::

>>She shut down a kiddie ride at Lagoon this summer due to licking the pretend laser gun when the ride suddenly stopped and she cut her lip open from the jolt.  Apparently blood is a big deal. The fourteen year old in charge suddenly became very official remembering all the steps to take in such an occurance.  She locked us in the gate, buzzed the sixteen year old supervisor, and called security.  After, signing my soul away, we were free to go. 

>>She pretty licked much every ride and punched a kid or two. Oh, and also shut down Puff the Magic Dragon by throwing her shoe under the ride while waiting in line. Supervisor number two... Check.  But this is a story for another time. 

>>I've caught her licking the outside of the car lately. 

>>No salt shaker is left untasted. 

>>She ate a birthday candle. Yes, that's right folks. She ATE a candle.  Gregg was in the car with Corbin waiting for me to use the bathroom and bring Emme out. In the short amount of time it took for me to care of business, Emme decided blue wax was her thang.  I came out to a gagging child gasping for air.  She threw up on the way to the bathroom and then slipped in the puke covering herself.  She then kindly pointed out the blue pieces of candle in her exited food and admitted to what she had done.  We were a bit later than normal to church that week. 

>>Coins are for sucking. 

>>She's a biter. 

>>And then there's this conversation::

"Mom, I'm eating my booger drool!"

"Oh, honey, that's yucky. Please don't do that."  

"It's really good mom!  You should try some!"

As gross as it was, I have to say I was proud of her for coming up with the term, "booger drool."  

Rocking the IEP

Emme starts preschool tomorrow through our school district.  Hallelujah friends!

We've been working on this since May so it's kind of a big deal.  If I've learned anything about getting help for your special needs child, it would be that everything takes time.

If you read this post you remember how frustrated I was.  Well, let me just back track a bit.

Remember how I said I was going to call the school district every day until I got answers?  I did that for a few days until I remembered I had one of the evaluator's cell numbers from when she called in early July.  I became one of "those moms" that went a little too far.  As I like to say though, "too far yet effective."

Wouldn't ya know...I got a phone call back that same day.  Booyah.  Pretty much it was just to tell me they would make sure we were called back soon with an appointment for an evaluation.  About a week later we were called and able to schedule an appt for a month out.

Here's where the miracles started.  I was really nervous Emme wouldn't get qualified, because we had already gone through this process and she was denied.  In fact she was a perfect angel the first time.  We felt like fools and were looked at like it was more of bad parenting than anything.  Now we had a years worth of paperwork from her therapeutic school, a psychiatrist eval, and a therapist eval.  Even her pediatrician stood behind us this time.  All of these busy women took time to write a page full of what they had witnessed and reasons why Emme would benefit from having an IEP (individual education plan).  I didn't even ask her psychiatrist to write anything, but she had a paper waiting for me when I dropped Emme off for therapeutic school.  If you only knew how busy this lady is, you would be shocked.

After gathering together what felt like enough paperwork to buy a house, we were ready for the evaluation.  Emme started out excited that five adults were so interested in her.  They had a bunch of toys that she stayed occupied with for the first half hour.  Once again, she was acting like a perfect normal child which I assure you, never happens in public places or well...anywhere.  Then came time to take her to the bathroom and she didn't want to go.  That's when the running, biting, and screaming started.  I just kept thinking "praise the Lord!"

After two and a half hours they finally encircled me on their tiny kid chairs and all agreed Emme would benefit from having an IEP.  I could ran out the doors with my arms open wide singing The Hills Are Alive!!  (For the record I'm not thrilled over my child having disabilities, but she does... so I'm thrilled that she is receiving help.)

All of this is a huge answer to my prayers.  Our daily struggles have hit an all time high (hence the lack of blogging) and we all needed this.  I don't always like the trials I am given and they may last far longer than I think I'm capable of, but every now and again I am given miracles throughout the hardship to let me know that He is aware.

 

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to

I didn't cry when I came out of the bathroom and found Corbin's formula dumped on the counter. 

I didn't cry when minutes later Emme squeezed and shook her blue Tummy Yummy into the carpet in her room. She even smooshed it in real good with her feet and did a demonstration of her naughty actions. 

I didn't cry when she emptied her sock drawer and hung every single one up on a hanger.  That was actually pretty funny and made it easy to find matching socks this morning. 

I didn't cry after finding spilled milk from a sippy cup hidden under a blanket and once again smooshed into the carpet. 

I didn't cry after I noticed writing on Corbin's toy blocks. 

I didn't cry when I had to drag two screaming kids to the car in front of all of Wheeler Farm after Emme punched Corbin in the face and I told her she couldn't have a cookie anymore. 

I didn't show that my feelings were hurt after hearing an almost four year old call me stupid over and over and over and then wishing death upon me from a snow monster.  

I didn't cry when a laundry basket was thrown at me. 

 

I didn't even cry after both of my children refused to nap. 

So what made me have a mini breakdown today....?

When I noticed this same child writing with a pen all over my ottoman and then saw she stabbed holes in it for good measure. 

Apparently... ruining furniture is my breaking point...to which I will sob and sob while said child is locked in her room and her brother jabbers behind me. 

Aftershocks like spraying hairspray all over the walls and smearing lotion into the carpet may make me fight back tears, but I refuse to cry. Especially, when I get comments like, "show me how I made you cry, mom."

I think it's safe to say I'm having issues now that Corbin is all over the place and I can't keep my eyes on Emme at all times.  

Please send Diet Coke. 

The Walmart Diaries

Today was the day. 

The day I HAD to take both kids by myself to Walmart.  Cue tragic music. 

When you have a special needs child there are certain things you should avoid at all costs. For Emme that would be taking her to the grocery store or any store for that matter.  

If both Gregg and I are there, it is possible, yet still very difficult. But today...he was not. 

I had one goal which was to get baby food.  Do I need to get groceries big time? Yes, but to avoid a trip down the crazy town aisle our mission included only the most necessary items. 

Now before you lecture me on not making my own baby food, let me remind you that I don't even have time to BUY baby food let alone make it. Let's not get cray here. 

Overall, Walmart was a success.  Emme only screamed bloody murder once because I too quickly sailed past the treats in the middle of the cement road to which she jumped off the cart and hit her head on a shelf.  Corbin only cried once from being squished by his sister.  All in all, not too shabby.  With an unplanned bag of marshmallows we made it to the checkout line in record time. 

They had one lane open (ugh walmart) to which me and another older gentlemen came to at the same time.  There were two people already in line, but I let him go ahead because he only had a few items. Mistake mistake mistake.  The one checker was a new worker and the man in front of me priced matched every. single. item. The lady had no idea what she was doing and we had to wait for a supervisor to come over to fix her mistakes. 

Now, for heaven's sakes. If you come to a checkout lane at the same time as someone with children and one is squishing and hitting the other, please let them go ahead of you.  

With Emme about to blow a lid, the time came that we finally felt the warm breeze on our cheeks again and we were free.  Just as I was about to get in the driver's seat, the same older gentlemen stopped me to ask if I price checked.  I quickly threw my head back, cackled and then I replied, "I have NO time to look through all of that!"  I mean how dare he, am I right?  

Apparently, he just wanted to warn me that the cashier had charged him way more than she was suppose to and I should check my receipt.  Oh.  Sorry dude.  

I may or may not be a little sensitive when it comes to the more domestic parts of life. At this moment in time I am a failure at all things homemaking.  I look foward to a day where I can make cute crafts and plan meals well in advance or save our family money by couponing.  

I think for now though, I will focus on things like keeping Corbin safe from Emme and getting through a Walmart check out line with my sanity still in tact. 

Three Thrings

1.  Having a husband in grad school is lame.  I am not handling the new school year well.  It may be the death of me.  Say a pray for me, please?

2.  Emme is in the stage of revertigo. Meaning she has reverted back to her old ways. We have lost ground big time. We lowered her meds which helps her sleep now, but the days are long and sometimes torturous.  Scratching and biting are a staple the last few weeks.  My arms look like I have a cat. A mean hateful cat that would rather shred apart the house than have anything to do with order.  Revertigo Emme may be the death of me. Please say a pray for me. 

3.  My face is a battlefield of acne. Summer has not been good to my skin. I can't figure out if it's the change in my diet, the sunburns, or the world being against me, but I'm thirty here people. It needs to stop.  I have one smack dab in the middle of my forehead right now that is so big I think it's actually four squished together.  Other honorable mentions are the many smaller yet still huge zits surrounding it.  I'm ready to climb to my tower and start ringing the bell for the local village. Goitre face Lacey may be the death of me. Please say a prayer. 

Blessed

Last week I was able to meet up with a friend going through a messy divorce.  My heart ached for her.  She had suffered in silence for so long and still has a hard road ahead of her.

My life is hard right now.  Some days and nights are like running a full marathon without ever crossing the finish line.  Wouldn't it be nice if there were a big "You Made It" sign with lots of happy people congratulating you on a job well done every night?  Is that what happens after a marathon?  I wouldn't know... I've never ran one.

My point is....life sucks sometimes.  I tend to end my days with a pity party and a Diet Coke.  Not so much with a song sung by Queen and a feeling of accomplishment.

But then I talked to my friend.  Her positive attitude while going through divorce made me change my own attitude towards my struggles.  The darkness started to fade as I took a look around and noticed the many blessings I do have.  I have a husband who loves me and makes me laugh every day.  Even if it's just through a text message, because honestly we don't see each other much right now.   We miss each other.  We want to spend time together.  We hate the separation.  That right there accounts for a lot.

Now, I could make a list of everything I'm thankful for, but I'll keep it to a minimum for tonight.  What I really want to say is I AM blessed.  I love my husband, I love my children and I mostly love who I'm becoming because of my challenges in life.  I feel my Savior's love for me and know he is aware.

I know we have been protected while Gregg has been in school.  My body is weary and my brain is in survival mode, but we are following the path we are suppose to be.  One day this time of life will be a small memory.  Maybe it will even seem easy compared to what lies ahead.  Who knows?

But today I am blessed.  

Bring on the Momma Bear

In Utah it is pertinent that your child starts preschool at the youngest age possible or else they have no chance in life.  You may as well send them on a train to Failureville because that's where they are headed anyway.  They need at least 2 years of preschool, but 3 is ideal.  Oh, your child doesn't read and they're going to be in Kindergarten?  Good luck with that!

Who really knows what we would be doing with Emme this year had she not needed extra support.  It's finally her scheduled time to enter her first year in preschool as she has a September birthday.  I'm sure I would have enrolled her in preschool anyway this year just to have a few hours alone every week.  I mean...definitely for the learning and social time....

Alas, she did need extra support and she's been in a therapy preschool for over a year now.  Which is code for "kids with behavioral issues who need to learn how to be around other people."  

We typically wouldn't have sent her that early, but it was needed for her.   It's been a great resource for us, but she really should start phasing into the actual school district.  We feel she's not quite ready to be with her peers, so we have been trying to get her evaluated for special education preschool.  Mainly, she still needs a qualified teacher who understand behavioral issues.  I wouldn't want Emme labeled as "the bad kid" because her teacher doesn't speak her language.  Then hopefully by next year or by kindergarten she will be able to be with her peers.  Cross your fingers.

I contacted our school district back in June.  Finally heard from an evaluator the very beginning of July.  They were suppose to call back in a few weeks with a date and nothing....  Haven't heard a thing.  I've called and left messages Monday and Tuesday.  Nothing....  The flustered receptionist said they are very swamped and the lady who schedules comes in at 5 to return messages.  Ok...  Let's just put it out there, that I think Utah school districts suck.  They are overworked and underpaid.  (Except, I'm not quite sure why that lady only comes in at 5.)  Too many kids, not enough staff.  It's a terrible mess of politics at the top and teachers and students suffer because of it.  Hence why charter schools have become so popular.

Cue, Momma Bear.  If you want your child to have the help they need you have to fight.  We are now entering the war zone that is public school. Welcome to the jungle.  They have unleashed the carnivore in me and I will eat them alive.  They better believe I will be calling every. single. day. until I hear back.

Plus, I've already ripped up our ticket to Failureville, so that's not an even an option.

Down to Business

I haven't been completely honest the last few months.

My heart yearns to write and share my thoughts on the whole truth and nothing but the truth about raising a child with severe ADHD.

Then there is this part of me that only worries about what others will think of me as a mom and as a person in general.  Will I seem ungrateful for the miracle that Emme is to our family?  Will I be way too negative about her and allow others to talk negatively about her as well?  Do my readers understand what ADHD really means and how disabling it can be?  How many terrible comments will I receive because we have chosen medication as a way to help Emme?

Point being, I have filtered our life as to create a facade of what our day to day really looks and feels like.  The reality is times are hard.  I'm sure someone could handle my situation a millions times better than me, but this is what I need to go through in order to grow and learn and become the person I'm suppose to be.

With that said, I realize there are tougher things in life than a child with ADHD and a husband who I only see on Sundays.  I gave a talk in church months back and talked about how we had learned that parenting would be a lot different for us than most.  After sacrament I had a lady ask what was wrong with Amy?  Caught off guard a little I stuttered out that Emme had ADHD.  She let out a big sigh, admitted she hadn't been listening very closely and that things could be a lot worse for us.  She thought "Amy" had cancer or something life changing like that.  My temper getting the best of me I spit back, " I realize that, but it's still hard for us!"  Then I walked away.

Although she went about it in a tactless way, I get it.  There are bigger stresses.  My child is healthy and my husband is just at school.  I get to sleep next to him every night.  There are many blessings in our family and I try to count each one. Trust me, I get it.

Speaking of blessings, I am thankful that we even have children.  What I've come to realize is that there are many who don't understand that my children were always meant to come to Gregg and me.  It was all predetermined.  I believe it with all of my heart.  Adoption is amazing.  I will never be more grateful than I am for my children and the change adoption put in me.  They are mine just like any other mother who bore her babies.  We just had to search a little harder for each other.   Thank the heavens for their birth mother and birth families.  They are our angels here on earth.  Let it be known that we do not target them for any imperfections in our children.  Are my children's genes different from ours?  Of course! Does that matter?  No!  Gregg and I have good and bad genes just like the rest of the world and they could have been passed on to our biological offspring.  Plus, I love that Emme has platinum blond hair, and both of my kids have striking blue eyes. They didn't get it from me, and that's okay.

A fault a lot of adoptive couples make, I know we did, while waiting for their miracle and in the early years is to put themselves as parents and their future children on a pedestal.  You may have to read that one twice.  It's sets you up to fail people.  Parenting is hard no matter what.  Just like any child from any beginning they can drive you nuts.  You are a regular parent just like every one else.  At least I am.  I didn't get any super human ability because we waited five years.  It doesn't make you a failure and it doesn't make you ungrateful.  Admitting Emme has some serious issues and that I'm not the awesome parent I imagined I'd be, does not make me ungrateful to adoption or her birthmom.  It makes me a parent.

As of late there have been some adults and children that have voiced their opinions about Emme.  It made me wonder if I was allowing that by being too honest about her.  It hurt my feelings and I couldn't sleep after one of the incidences.  We all know how I need my sleep.  I worried I was sharing too much of the ugly truth and that made it so others thought they could put Emme down or voice what they thought she would end up like.  I worried if I blogged too much about our experiences that Emme would be judged without someone really even knowing her.  Emme has so many awesome qualities and abilities. Gregg and I are her only true advocates and I want to make things better not worse.  My answer was this ::  I must also blog about her awesomeness so it can be known that she is really great sometimes.  ADHD can be a blessing in some ways and I need to discuss that as well.

Also, know that....

ADHD is real.  It is more than being hyper.  I do not medicate my child because she is just busy or because it makes my life easier.  It's a sensitive subject, but until you have had a child with a severe neurological disorder, you do not know what you're talking about.  Selling oils, knowing someone with ADHD, and hearing about a study does not make you an expert on the subject.  Until you are a specialized doctor or have lived day in and day out with a child like Emme, you don't know.  You don't.  I myself continue to learn.  Trust me there will be a whole post on this.

I realize there is a lot going on in this post, but now that this is all out there, I can continue on with the honest truth.  No more fluff.  If you want that you can follow my Instagram.  ;)  This blog is my outlet and a way to connect with others going through the same thing.  I need to voice my fears, worries, and thanks because it's healthier than keeping it all in and losing it one day.  I'd rather you not see me on the news as the crazy lady that ran away from life.  But if that happens to you or me I promise not to judge.