Saturday, January 3, 2015

Difficulty in Motherhood

When Emme was born, I felt nothing but joy.  Honestly.  I was tired, sure, but I loved everything about having a baby.  I loved seeing her car seat in my rear view mirror.  I loved taking her to the store so others could ooo and ahhh over her.  I loved feeding her and making bottles.  I loved dressing her up for church.  I loved when Gregg came home from work and we sat and played with her until bed time.  I even loved changing her bum because she would giggle and giggle.  All of my dreams had finally come true.

When Corbin was born, I still felt joy.  Another miracle.  Another beautiful baby.  Not just one, but two car seats in my rear view mirror.  Having kids, children, munchkins, instead of a kid, a child, a munchkin.  It was surreal.  It still is.   

Life was such a contrast from when Emme was born.  After we brought Corbin home Gregg immediately started a new block in grad school. Which meant I was alone most of the time.  Corbin started to become fussier and fussier and refused to nap.  He would cry from morning to night and nothing I did would comfort him.  The change was not easy for Emme to deal with.  She became extremely violent towards Corbin and me.  I couldn't set him down for a second for fear that should would hurt him.  Occasionally, she would even sneak in his room and wake him up by hitting him in the face.  When and if he would even nap.  His constant crying drove her through the roof which made her even more aggressive.  She hated when I would feed him and would attack Corbin and me relentlessly.  I remember holding her back with my foot while trying to hold Corbin in one hand and the bottle with the other. Her ADHD was out of control and she was completely off balance.  She wasn't capable of holding still for five seconds let alone watching a whole show.  She never stopped.  The only break I had was when she went to school for a few hours, but it was never enough.  

I was more exhausted than I ever thought possible.  When Gregg would come home at 9:30pm I was already in bed sobbing myself to sleep.  I remember telling him and I wasn't meant to be a mom.  In fact I hated being a mom.  

He saw this as a red flag and reached out to a few family members for help the nights he was at school.  It was embarrassing, but I knew I needed it.  After a couple times, I could tell it became more of a chore for them so I started to lie when they asked if they were still needed.  My pride wouldn't allow me to let anyone know how terrible I was really feeling and how much help I really did need.  It wasn't their fault that I couldn't handle two children.  I couldn't inconvenience them.  

I felt so alone.  I was mad at Gregg for constantly being gone and simple because he got to leave every day.  Never have I been so homesick for my family.  Never have I wanted to run away so bad. 

I prayed for relief, patience, and for Corbin to stop crying.  I prayed for just one good day. 

I was in a full blown depression.

Slowly, but surely the days got a little better.  Emme was put on medication and for the first time I felt like we were getting to know the girl behind the disorder.  It was life changing.  At about six or seven months Corbin finally started growing out of his reflux and colic.  I was finally able to run an errand or two without him SCREAMING throughout the store.  I had a friend receive a divine prompting that I needed help and offered her services.  I took it desperately and happily.  Eventually, I realized I was looking back on the hardest part instead of drowning in it.

We still have days or even weeks that are terribly difficult.  We received a huge blessing when Emme qualified to be in preschool through the school district on top of being at a therapy school.  She requires a huge amount of structure and routine.  Our schedule is pretty much the same at our house every day, but it's not to the severity she needs.  It's almost impossible to do unless you have multiple adults helping out.  I'm freaking out about summer just a tad...

The moral to the story is, we made it past a difficult time and grew as a family for the better.  Emme continues to mature and learn and is our little comedian.  Corbin is our shy momma's boy and is usually happy unless in the car or stroller.

I hope by being honest about my experience it will help someone else not feel so alone.  Cheers to all us mom's out there who just need a nap.  I commend you.  


  1. Thank you for sharing this!!! I can't imagine how difficult those months must have been for you. You are an amazing mama and person. So glad that I know you!!!

  2. You are a rock star. I'm so glad it's getting a little better.