Birthmom Q&A

This post is long overdue.  I've had it waiting patiently for a few months now.  My cousin who is a birthmom shared her story here.  She was kind enough to go the extra mile and answer some questions for me.  Enjoy!



You talk about adoption being very closed when you placed.  Did you receive any letters or pictures?  My adoption was "closed".  What that meant back then, was that the only thing I knew about the couple was their names.  I did not know where they live, last name or anything.  I received pictures the first year once a month and once a year until she turned three.  They did a fantastic job.  I can't imagine developing pictures and getting them to the services (adoption agency) to get sent to me.  Oh, and the services had to review everything to make sure that there was no personal info being sent. 

Have you had any contact since? The only contact I have had since the 3 year mark was when my friend, the one who chose my family to be her family, had her baby.  Doug and Heidi were at the hospital when I showed up...what are the odds?  :)  The adoption process was starting to become more open at this point. 

Open adoptions are quite common now.  What are your feelings towards having a relationship with your daughter one day?  I have always been okay with the closed adoption, maybe because I am so much of a 'it is what it is,' kind of a person.  I didn't know any different.  I believe Sierra will find me one day, it does excite me, yet I get nervous too because I don't know what to expect.  I hope she doesn't have negative feelings towards me and that I don't disappoint her when she chooses to meet me.  Adoption is such a positive thing to me I just hope she feels the same.

If you could say something to your daughter right now what would it be? If I could say anything to Sierra I think it would be...I hope you know how much you are loved, not only by me, but my whole family.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I really truly know that I did the right thing for you, for me, and for your parents.  (I know it doesn't sound that profound, but I mean every word.)

When did you feel your heart had finally healed after placing your baby?  I am not really sure how long it took for my heart to heal, but I do know that by the time my three years of pictures and letters were over I was good.  I guess you could relate it to how people heal when they lose a loved one.  Time does heal and life keeps going.  I kept busy, had a full time job 2 weeks after I placed, met my husband 6 months later, married 11 months after placement.  I really believe that my husband came at the right time and I had a new focus. I was really sad when the three years were up and every year I have my moments near her birthday.  I wonder what she looks like, what she likes to do, if she is hanging out with good friends, does she get good grades and all of those things. 

You told me once that it was very lonely during your pregnancy and that your journal was your best friend.  What was life like with your boyfriend, friends, and family after placement? Yes, I was lonely during my pregnancy.  It seemed like my parents tried so hard to keep me away from my boyfriend, he didn't like them any more then they liked him; I was really torn and had my own feelings.  My boyfriend didn't even want to hang out with me, he thought it was ok to go out with other girls and his friends.  His life didn't stop.  So after the placement, I found myself somewhat separating with my boyfriend, yet, I still didn't really have friends so I still hung out with him.  I had a hard time with the concept that we placed a baby yet now he wanted me more than he did when I was pregnant.  My parents were great, they kept me busy so I wouldn't sit around and get depressed.  Over time I became myself again and my relationship with my parents and sisters was the same as it had been.  Eventually I got rid of my boyfriend.  I was ready to move forward.

What would you say to expectant mother that is considering placing? I have actually helped out the LDS social services a lot so I have been able to help girls that are expecting and considering adoption.  I have met some that knew they would place from the moment they found out, some that go back and forth on the idea so I think a consistent message I have always sent would be to make sure you are committed to placing because no matter how much you prepare it is not easy when you deliver your baby.  If I had not been committed I would not have gone through with it.  I'm not sure many would.  You have to know what you are doing is the right thing for your baby.  Keep busy after you place, don't allow yourself to be home and alone and have time to let your mind wander.  Move on and always remember why you placed so on those really hard days they won't be worse than they already are.  And there will be some really hard days in the beginning.  They do get better, as we all know, time heals.

Have you ever regretted your decision? I really truly have never regretted my decision to place.  I really believe that I was meant to bring Sierra here to Doug and Heidi.  I was the answer to their prayers and I get so spiritually overwhelmed when I think of my experience because I am not sure I can express how much I know I wasn't meant to raise Sierra, even though I wanted to. 

If you could go back in time, what would you tell your 17 year old self?  If I could go back in time I would tell my 17 year old self....you aren't the only one going through the adoption process, your not the only one who feels pain...your not the only one.  It took me a few years after to realize how selfish and ignorant I was towards my mom, dad and sisters (and maybe more).  I wasn't very nice to my family, even though I know at the time I felt alone and confused I feel really bad that I never once asked how anyone else felt about my decision, I never even thought to.  I'm not even sure I have apologize to my family to this day.  I know they miss her too, I know they wonder all the same things I do about how she looks and what she likes to do, all of those things. 

Do you have any advice for couples hoping to adopt?  I hope everyone wanting to adopt gets to.  I have seen so many wait for so long and not only do they get to adopt they find out they are pregnant.  :)  Heavenly father does work in mysterious ways, so try to be patient because your gain is someone else's loss.