Guest Post:: A Birth Mom's Story

I am elated to share with you this beautiful story.  Whenever I hear a birth mom talk about her experiences it makes me cry.  I think it's because EVERY one I hear always includes the word PEACE.  You know that our Heavenly Father is with them through this courageous act of selflessness and love.  

This account is even more special to me as it is my gorgeous cousin's story.  Two months after Emme was born we cried together in her father's hallway.  When you've been a part of something so sacred and so miraculous, you share a bond.  I can't even put it into words.  I have always had a soft place in my heart for birth moms because of her and her great example of what a real mom's love is.

 I love you, Linz!  Thank you for sharing!

So once again...grab a tissue.  You'll need it.

I was 17 and a senior in high school when I found out that I was pregnant.  I wasn't a "bad girl" I just made a mistake and it changed everything.  Naturally my parents were not happy and even tried to ground me from my boyfriend which only resulted into me sneaking around and late night phone calls, I even used a pay phone (does anyone even know what those are anymore?)  I had the mentality that I was already pregnant what more trouble could I get in to? 

I was set on keeping my baby when I found out I was pregnant, actually, in my mind there really wasn't even another option it was just what was supposed to happen, right?  It's kind of ironic really because I had done an essay on adoption only a couple months before and of course all of the books I read to do the paper had nothing good to say about adoption, so It just really wasn't a thought.

 I remember the day my mom mentioned that I should maybe consider adoption.  My heart broke hearing the words from my mom.  I now know that it wasn't an easy thing for her to bring up to me either; I know that she must have felt at peace with it or wouldn't have mentioned it at all.  I was mad at her, however, the idea started to pop in my head...a lot.  I became really confused because I REALLY wanted my baby.  I loved her and wanted to be a mom, I was mentally preparing to be a mom and thinking of all of the things I needed to do.  Yet every time I thought of adoption I felt somehow ok and that kind of annoyed me.  Every one kept saying, "you need to pray about it"  that bugged me too, cause I wasn't really in to church or praying; I wasn't really in a good spot spiritually I guess you could say.  I did pray, not really like I should have because at this time deep deep in side I already knew my answer...I just didn't want adoption to be my answer, I didn't want to feel ok about adoption being my answer.  One thing about me is that once I make a decision I stick to it; I officially came to terms of placing my baby in late July.  I was at peace with my decision but it did not take away my heartache.  

Now I begin a on a different journey of my pregnancy and choosing a family.  My boyfriend and I sat down with the counselor from the LDS social services and rattled off what we wanted the parents of our baby to be like.  I literally remember saying "I don't want her to have mom hair"  :) I did want our baby to be the couples first baby, as it would be mine, I wanted the mom to be into scrapbooking, (at the time I was into it), we wanted a country couple, (somehow we thought people that live in country were nicer:)  So after all of this and some researching for our counselor we were narrowed down to 5 couples.  I don't even remember what the other couples were like because I was immediately drawn to my couple.  It is really the strangest thing to explain how drawn I was to the couple.  (FYI, footprints in the sand is my favorite poem because it is the closest I can describe how I went through my adoption process).  Doug and Heidi were the couples name and they began to write me the moment they found out that we chose them to be parents.  They would express how excited they were and wanted to know how I felt and what I was doing and really just anything and everything. 

Here is some of the journaling I wrote:

Oct 26, 1998

I got another letter from Heidi and Doug.  They are so excited, the letters made me cry.  Last night when I laid down to sleep I just started crying cause I was getting contractions and it just made me think how close I actually am to having my baby.  I'm going to have the most precious baby girl in the world and I'm giving her to a couple who will love her as much as me.  But it hurts so bad.  I called my mom and cried to her.  She worried about me all day.  Then I saw a lady I knew today and she asked when I was due, I told her, then I told her I was placing her for adoption and she said why don't you want her.  How rude, huh?  I had just got done crying too.  People think it's so bad but they don't see.

Oct 31, 1998

I'm so depressed right now.  I am so fat, uncomfortable and ugly.  The clothes I wear are so annoying I can hardly breathe.  I get pains every where possible and I wish I could just be skinny.  But  I ruined that.  I hate the thought of giving my little baby to someone else.  I should be taking care of her this going to be so hard.  I have no idea how I am going to it.  I wish I hadn't already committed to my decision.  I'm so sick of people asking me when I'm due and saying "well call me when you go into labor".  ok..I'll just have them announce it over the news so who ever wants to come can.  I don't want anyone to hold her, only me.  She's mine and I want her.  I hate how everything changes, I have all these stupid stretch marks, chunks of fat on my thighs.  Then after I have her ill have more on my stomach.  Then with my luck I'll never lose weight.  So I'll never get to wear my own clothes.  Am I going to be miserable for the rest of my life?  If sure the heck seems like it. 

The time came to finally have my baby.  As miserable as I felt being 9 months pregnant, I was really sad to go into labor because I knew I would soon have to say goodbye to my baby.  I can't describe how right I knew this all was, yet the heartache was so much and so hard and I knew I had many more hard days ahead of me.  I went into labor on November 2, 1999, only 2 days before my due date.  I had a very easy delivery and was blessed to have my mom there.  I had my little girl, who I named Jacobi, at 4:22pm.  At the time the adoption was so closed that I had to have a name I choose for her that we would use with letters being written.  I later found out they named her Sierra.  I stayed up all night with her and didn't let her go, unless it was for my mom, dad or sister to hold.  I just stared at her, wishing I could take her home.  I knew I legally could...but I couldn't.

Nov 3, 1998  (my actual journal the moment I got home from placing her)

Yesterday I gave birth to the most precious beautiful little girl, Jacobi.  She is so adorable.  She was born at 4:22 pm, 7 lbs 4 ounces and 19 inches long.  She is so wonderful.  Today was the hardest day of my life, I made the toughest decision in my whole life, deciding between keeping or placing Jacobi.  I was having second thoughts so bad; I almost bundled her up and brought her home.  It was really tough. I kept staring at this little perfect girl sleeping peacefully wondering what to do.  But I kept looking and then one time I had a thought, "she's so precious how could I give her away", at the same time I was thinking, "she's so precious she deserves a wonderful 2 parent home".  I kept her till 10:00 tonight.  My boyfriend, mom, my aunt and I all went to the social services.  My boyfriend and I drove her over, I cried and hugged and kissed her the whole way there.  Meanwhile my boyfriend is crying and trying to comfort me.  Well at the social services we all said our good byes and I took her to the back room and I handed her over to Heidi.  It was really hard but I comforted me a lot more.  I sat and watched her.  But I know everything will be o.k.  Doug and Heidi are wonderful.  I'll get pictures soon of her.  I'm already missing her.  I can still hear her cry, hear her sniffles, see her beautiful face, see her little feet stretch out, her pouty lips, her gorgeous eyes, her nose, how she would look around at us and wonder where she was.  Everything about her is perfect.

My memories that night are still so clear and It really is amazing I didn't drop my baby walking down the hall because I was crying so bad and just had a baby the day before.  The moment I walked into that room the feeling was so overwhelmingly peaceful, I was so content and can tell you for someone that wasn't very spiritual, at the time, I was and I KNOW with all of my heart that my decision was not only the right decision but the way it had to be.  I would do it all over again to learn what I did from this, to be the person I am today. 

It took me a really long time to get confident about saying I placed.  I didn't like the way people would say  "awww".  I don't like to feel I need to justify why I do what I do.  I know I could have raised her, millions of single mom's do it all the time.  I didn't want my little girl to start out in a broken home.  

4 years after I placed I ran into a girl I sort of knew who was considering adoption.  She attended the group session's like I had when I was pregnant; with the LDS social services.  She invited me to come one night and there were several girls there that night.  I sat next to a girl that was so excited about her decision to place and the family she choose.  She handed a picture to me to see who she chose and I whispered "that's my family"  I was in such shock because I could not believe my eyes and it all seemed so surreal.  I always secretly wanted to meet whoever else placed there baby to my family, I just never thought it would actually happen so I never said it out loud.  It was amazing and put a little twist to my story:)

By the way....I did lose my weight, I didn't get stretch marks and I survived.  I like to share that part because it shows that I was young and the pregnancy hormones were really talking. 

Guest Post By Rachel, Two: A Love Letter

I am so excited to have a guest post today by one of my great online friends Rachel from FYI on Rach and Ry.  (Soon to be real life friends) 

A few months before we we were chosen by Emme's birth mom I was really struggling.  After returning from vacation I received the sweetest comment on my blog from a girl named Rachel.  I remember distinctly how she told me we were a cute couple and would be chosen shortly.  I never told her how much that meant to me and how I REALLY needed to hear that.  We have stayed in contact ever since and I have watched as she has adopted a beautiful baby boy and has become a wonderful mother.

I love this post you are about to read and you will soon see for yourself what a beautiful writer and person Rachel is.  Check out some of her other great adoption posts here.  A few of my favorites are The Birth and From One Birth Mother To Another.  The second one is written by their birth mom.  So amazing!

Okay get ready and grab a tissue!

Two: A Love Letter

Baby,

The other day, as we were hanging out in the kitchen together--I doing dishes, you playing with cars at my feet--I told you that I wanted to sing you a special song because it makes me think of you and your adoption story every time I hear it.

You looked at me pensively and then said, "That sounds great, Mommy."  (I'm not kidding--you actually say things like this.  I have no idea if you really understand what you are saying, but it never fails to startle me when these things come out of your mouth.)  After such an unexpectedly mature reply from you, I started envisioning the moment we were about to have: I was going to sing a beautiful ballad for you, and you were going to stare at me intently and really soak in my love for the entire 4:37 minutes.  I pushed play on my laptop, and the lyrical music started flowing out of my speakers--and then you started screaming angrily because you expected to hear "Brave" by Sara Barellias instead of the peaceful melody that I had in mind.  ("Brave" is our favorite song to dance to together.)

And so I switched the music, and we danced.  And we never got our tender moment.  But tonight, on the eve of your second birthday, I want to take a few minutes to write down some thoughts that have been in my heart these past few weeks.

The song that always makes me think of you is called "Blessings," and it was written by an artist named Laura Story, but my favorite version is sung by the group Mercy River.  The first verse and chorus go like this:

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace,
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
And all the while, you hear each spoken need,
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

Because what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?
And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

This song makes me think of you because before you were born, I prayed and prayed to become a mother.  It didn't matter to me how I became a mother--your daddy and I started the adoption process at the same time that we started fertility treatments--but when both avenues seemed only to lead to heartache, I started to doubt and fear.  Life got dark and difficult.  An ectopic pregnancy.  Countless negative pregnancy tests.  Lots of contacts from expectant mothers who were considering adoption but eventually chose to parent or chose a different adoptive couple.

I prayed and asked why.  I prayed and asked that God end our wait immediately.  I prayed and asked what He wanted for my life.  I felt confused.  I felt angry.  I didn't understand why such a good and honest desire, to be a mother and give love to a child, wasn't being answered.  The emotions that I felt during those difficult months are captured so well in the words of the second verse of the song:

"We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear,
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love,
As if every promise from your word is not enough.
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea,
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Because what if your blessings come through raindrops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

Last week, you and I sat outside in the backyard together at your little picnic table and ate brownies and ice cream.  At the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance, you sat up straight and listened intently.  "What's that noise, Mommy?" you asked.  And when I just smiled, you said excitedly, "I hear a train, Mommy!  I hear a train!"

My heart ached with happiness, and I leaned in close. "Give Mama a kiss?" I asked.

You reached for me across the table, your fingers sticky with gooey chocolate, your face smeared with melted ice cream, and planted a peck right on my lips.

In that perfect moment I was reminded, as I am almost daily, that you--you, my perfect little boy--are the reason that God could not give me what I wanted right when I wanted it.  He knew that you were on your way, and He knew that your brave birthparents would find us when the time was right.  He couldn't send us just any baby--He knew that we needed you.   

I am grateful for my infertility.  I am grateful that none of the other adoption opportunities worked out.  I am grateful for Father in Heaven who always heard each of my desperate pleas and yet "loved me way too much to give me lesser things." I am grateful that He let me wait.

A leader in our church, Dieter Uchdorf, has said, "The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land.  Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel.  The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple.  [In the Book of Mormon], the Nephites waited for a sign of Christ's birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish.  Joseph Smith's trial in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, 'How long?' In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.
          Every one of us is called to wait in our own way.  We wait for answers to prayers.  We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer...
          Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience.  Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed.  Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

On the eve of your second birthday, Noah, this quote touches me because I am thinking about the experience of waiting for you--and I am also thinking about the future.  I hope someday our picnic table in the backyard will be full of little people, your brothers and sisters who will sit with us and eat brownies and listen to train whistles.  I don't know how they will join our family.  We are going to start fertility treatments again in the next few months, and we are always open to adopting again.  Sometimes it scares me to think about starting this process all over again, about embarking on a road that I know brings heartache.  But in the past two years of being your mama, I have learned a few things that I hope will make the experience of waiting at least a little easier this time around.

I've learned that the joy of squeezing tiny hands and feet, of snuggling a squishy baby in bed first thing in the morning, of listening to you sing the ABCs all the way through for the first time--it far outweighs the heartache that it took to get you here.  I would do it all over again, a thousand times, to be your mother.

I've also learned what I always knew yet didn't totally understand: that He has a plan for our lives and for our families.  I hope that if we face disappointments as we try to add to our family in the next few months and years, I will pull you into our cuddle chair and put my head on your hair and read you a story.  I know that won't completely take away the pain--because the heartache that often comes along with infertility and failed adoptions can be truly excruciating--but I hope as I feel my heart beating against the weight of your little body in my arms, I will remember to trust in Him and His timing.

You couldn't have come to us any sooner than you did, and as difficult as the wait was, I learned for myself the truth of the last line of the song: "What if trials of this life--the rain, the storms, the hardest nights--are His mercies in disguise?" 

Happy birthday, my little love. You are the best thing I've ever had to wait for.

Eternally yours,

Mama

Zero...one...two

*Listen to Laura Story perform "Blessings" here

Corbin's Story::Meeting Corbin

Read Corbin's Story::The Birth here

Later in the day we brought Emme back to meet her brother.  She had been anticipating this event for months and was so excited.  When we got to the hospital room Emme walked right up to M and said "where is my baby?"  To this day she calls him her baby.  Luckily, M thought it was great that Emme took ownership over her brother so quickly.  It was only fitting that Emme be the first to hold Corbin.

Proud big sister.

She is always talking M's ear off.  

My first time holding Corbin.

Gregg's first time holding Corbin.

M's son and Emme and Corbin's brother came to visit at the same time. He's such a sweetie.

Getting changed by M.

Emme and her older brother are trouble together.  I love watching the bond they have.  They are always immediate friends whenever they are together.

Corbin's Story::The Birth

Read The Phone Call here.

Read Corbin's Story::The Start here

The Hospital

We all were prepared for M's c-section that was scheduled for 7 AM so Gregg and I arrived at 6:30.  When we arrived at the hospital we found out poor M was told the wrong time and wasn't scheduled until 9:00.  I felt so bad for M and K because they had arrived at 5:30 AM and had a very long day ahead of them.  The extra hours did give us time to hang out with just M and K though and we were able to grab a little breakfast before all the business of the day started. 

Just the four of us. I love M's hands on her belly. 

The hospital Corbin was born at was different than Emme's.  M wanted us to be the first to hold Corbin, but it just wasn't possible the way this hospital was set up.  Emme's hospital had a recovery room where we waited and once she was cleaned up they brought her out to us, then M joined us shortly after she was finished in the operating room. 

 This hospital didn't have a recovery room so they kept M in the same room the whole time until she was able to go back to her assigned room.  Only one person was allowed with her in surgery and only one person was allowed to have a wrist band other than M.  Meaning only M and one other person would be able to go into the nursery and be alone with the baby.  We all personally thought they should make an exception, but what do you do?  The hospital offered me the other wrist band, but I knew without a doubt K needed it and deserved it.  He supported M throughout her pregnancy and  he was by M's side the entire time in the hospital.  Not to mention he was the father and we wanted him to have as much time with Corbin as possible.  K was such a sweetheart the whole time and only left M if Gregg and I were there to be with her.  He even slept on the horrible chair/bed every night.  

So needless to say Corbin's birth was a lot different than we were expecting, but it was still beautiful and exciting. 

The Birth

Newly born Corbin.  They had just passed him through the window from the operating room.

Getting our first glimpse.

This nurse was awesome.  Here she is telling us the birth weight.  

7lbs

9oz.

Showing us Corbin up close.

The nurse came out to tell us he was perfectly healthy.

K's mom showing us pictures.

K holding Corbin in the nursery.

So sweet!

Bundled Corbin in the nursery waiting for M to get done in surgery.

M's first time holding him.  She was checking to see how much hair he had. 

After we checked on M and made sure she was doing okay, we left so her and K's family could have time alone with Corbin.  We made plans to bring Emme back later that day.  We didn't get to hold Corbin by this point, but we knew we would have an opportunity later and also knew this would be a special time for M and K.

Cry it out

As I sit here and write, my eyes are swollen from my latest melt down. I'm not usually a crier and sometimes I even have to force it, but today the tears flowed all on their own. 

It's almost four and Emme finally fell asleep for a nap.  You might be saying, "why not let her stay awake by that point?"  

She's three I know. Most three year olds don't nap. My Emme needs one. I need her to have one. Yesterday she wouldn't nap so I finally let her stay awake. BIG mistake.  

The more tired Emme is the more wired she becomes.  If it wasn't for my sister being here on a whim I would have lost it. But instead I saved that for today. 

I'm pretty sure my neighbors are getting a kick out of watching me chase Emme down the street on a regular basis. Who needs a gym?  

Oh, to have a child that could watch a movie.  I just want to rake the leaves or clean the floor. 

I tend to day dream about what would make life easier....

Living by my family.  Getting rid of the dog.  Having the perfect babysitter.  A housekeeper.  Being richer (everyone's day dream).  Gregg being done with school.  A nap. 

It pointless to dwell on what I can't change and chances are...I'll feel better tomorrow.  

Today though?  Today was a cry it out till you feel better day. And I feel a little better. 

****UPDATE  let me just point out...before you start to recommend medication....that I am sleep deprived, putting a salon in my home, alone more than normal this week, and just plain stressed.  I feel it deserved a cry.  We were all much happier once Emme woke up from her nap and daddy came home. 

Corbin's Story::The Start

The week before the baby was born I sent a few text messages to M* (Emme and new baby's birthmom).  Usually she is pretty good to respond, but this time I heard nothing back from her.  I was a ball of nerves so I asked Gregg to give me a blessing. In it I was told that this little boy was coming home to us.  It brought me comfort, but what can I say?  I have issues and my fears outweighed my faith at that point.  The baby was due on Tuesday so when Monday came around and I still had not heard anything from M, Gregg and I were freaking out a bit.  We packed up the car and started on the long drive with a pit in our gut.  It did not seem like a good sign. 

About an hour into our drive I got a text from an unknown number saying it was M and that she was communicating through her boyfriend's phone because her's had broken.  She gave us the time of the baby's birth the next day (she was having a c-section) and we made plans to meet up for dinner that night with her and K* (baby's dad and M's boyfriend).  We were relieved to say the least. 

We met M and K at Red Robin for dinner which was awesome for two reasons. It was the first time we met K and we had dinner with M the night before Emme was born so it was only fitting that we met up the night before Corbin's birth as well. 

We were anxious to meet K because we really wanted him to like us for obvious reasons. He was a little standoffish at first, but eventually he warmed up to us. We quickly fell in love with him.  Emme's birth dad was not involved at the time of her birth so it was a completely new experience for us, but one that we welcomed with open arms. 

As usual our conversation with M was great.  We could talk and laugh all day.  

As we were parting ways I told her to please let us know during the hospital if we were ever over stepping our boundaries.  She responded with, "you could never over step your boundaries with me. I love you guys, but I'll let you know because I'm pretty blunt." (I love that about her)

Seriously. How did we get so lucky?  A question I have asked myself multiple times about M. 

This is the face Emme made when I told her we were finally going to get her baby brother.  She was so excited. 

Qualities

I totally had a post about how horrifically bad Halloween night turned out this year.  Luckily, I didn't save it before my iPad died so it disappeared forever.  Sometimes days like those should be forgotten.  Let me just share this little number about the night. 

Gregg at school::alone::baby crying::toddler screaming::hitting::throwing::mommy crying::doorbell ringing::dog barking::sugar high::costume fiascos::late::trunk or treat::trick or treating::girl running::home::cutting girl out of costume::door bell ringing::baby crying::dog barking::toddler screaming::sticky::bed::Gregg home

Phew!  That's was refreshing. 

Moving on. 

I feel like I've been too rough about Emme lately and really she has some awesome qualities.  For example. 

That girl has NO fear.  Because of that, she will talk to anyone.  She melts hearts.  We attended a viewing a while back and she could sense that everyone was very sad.  She reached her arms out to each of the family members and gave them all huge squeezes. Not once, but several times.  Most of them she had never met and I could tell they needed a small girl's love. 

Once, I took her to our local aquarium.  There was a severely crippled man there in a wheel chair.  Emme walked directly up to him and had a conversation about the otters.  As if she noticed no difference.  I could tell he was taken a back that a little girl would talk so candid with him and by the warmth in his eyes I knew it made him happy. 

Emme is super intelligent. She loves puzzles and books. She is getting so good at identifying where the puzzle pieces need to go.  We only have to read her a book a few times before she memorizes it.  I can tell she will be a good reader.  I'm always so proud when she will recite me an entire book from memory.  These two things are the only time she will sit still. 

She was in Corbin's face the other day. Usually, this is time to panic.  I asked her what she was doing. She replied "I just pretending to eat him." 

She will lip sync and dance on command. 

 

She says the best prayers I've ever heard from a three year old without any help.  Gregg's dad is having major health problems right now and she always asks to bless him. One day she told me she was going to be a doctor when she got big so she could fix him.  Melt my heart. 

Several times she has put her arm around Gregg and me at the same time and announced "this is my famawee (family)." 

It's things like these that make being her mommy awesome.