The week before Corbin was born my anxiety was at an all time high. I was so nervous of what was to come. There were so many what ifs.
What if "M" changes her mind?
What if Corbin's birth dad or his family hates us?
What if I can't handle two kids?
What if Emme freaks out even more?
What if? What if? What if?
I asked Gregg to give me a priesthood blessing of comfort the night before we left to get Corbin. In it he promised that this little boy WOULD be joining our family and things would work out with the adoption. He then advised me to not be afraid to seek help after I was a mother of two. Most importantly, I needed to accept the help that was offered. A task that is very hard for me to do.
About a year ago I had something I like to call a MOM DAY. Emme was particularly out of control. I don't remember much of the details, other than she would NOT take a nap and was very over stimulated. I'm sure I had been hit, kicked, spit at, and gotten hair ripped out. I NEEDED her to sleep so I could refresh a little. At that point she was still in a crib and not climbing out of it, which was a miracle in and of it self. When I put her down for a nap that day she became a caged animal flailing and screaming and throwing. I eventually tried rocking her, but she just slapped and head butted me so I'd put her back in her crib. After hours of this I completely had a mental break down. I dramatically fell on my bed and did the ugly cry while I could hear Emme flipping out in her crib. I pleaded in a prayer that He would send help. I was teaching a lesson the next Sunday in Young Women about Heavenly Father sending help through others when we really needed it. I remember thinking "Where is my help?" I sobbed and sobbed and some where along the way I fell asleep out of exhaustion while Emme screamed and banged the wall in the room next door.
The next thing I remember was someone opening my bedroom door. It makes me tear up even today just thinking about it. I saw that it was my husband and then quickly checked the clock thinking "did I really sleep that long?" It was hours before he was supposed to be home and I was so confused. He told me something about a meeting, no lunch, and getting to come home early. That has NEVER happened. I don't recall him ever coming home way early without it being in his work schedule well in advance. He could see I was in distress and I told him it had not been a good day. He told me to go back to sleep and that he would take care of everything. Emme had fallen asleep somewhere along the way and I returned to my slumber knowing he was home to carry the weight when she woke up. I taught my lesson in confidence that Heavenly Father does indeed send help when needed.
There have been many times where I could use outside help or even just some super hero sized patience during my time parenting Emme, and none has come. Then there have been times when all hope is lost and I'm at the point of desperation where help has showed up out of the blue. I'm not sure the difference. Each time seems pretty unbearable to me yet sometimes I am sent help and others I am not. I can only believe that in some moments I am meant to be polished and changed and others I am shown that I am not alone and yes, He will help lift my burdens.
Last week was one of the hardest in my life. I watched a dear friend lay her sweet baby boy to rest. The heartache was something I can't describe. I wish I could take away some of her pain, but I know I can't. Instead I just held her and cried with her. There is a whole post coming about the experience. Throughout it all I was dealing with the news that my dad had colon cancer. He had surgery on Thursday to remove the cancer and we were all on edge wondering if it had spread. Thank goodness from what they can tell before testing it hasn't. Needless to say, my emotions were rail thin.
Due to work, a Dr. appt, and these big events I had to find babysitters for five different occasions. An almost impossible task. Thankfully, I was being watched over and the Lord sent His earthly angels to help me.
Four beautiful women came to my aid last week and said yes to watching my children without hesitation. Each one of them have major things happening in their lives right now that I wasn't aware of until later, but they took my kids in regardless and without complaint. My sweet cousin who lives 45min away brought her whole family to my house to watch my kids while I attended the viewing. She even took work off to play the piano for me while I sang at the funeral. Come to find out she has a major medical issue going on right now, yet she didn't even bring it up. She knew I needed her and she came. Her name kept popping into my head every time I tried to think of who could accompany me. The Lord knew she would obey and she did.
The day after my dad's surgery I really wanted to spend time at the hospital. I saw my dad for a little bit the day before, but he was still groggy. Plus, I wanted to make sure my mom was able to have relief and change her clothes and shower from spending the night at the hospital. I asked a few people to watch my kids but, they already had other obligations. I cried and felt sorry for myself that I couldn't be there, but I had already used my go to friends enough and I couldn't bother them again. A little while later, I received a message from a new friend that I had met through the adoption community. She had text me earlier in the week to see what she could do, but at that time I didn't need anything. She once again sent, "How can I help you?" Not, call me if you need anything, but how can I help? I text her and asked if she'd be willing to watch my kids that day and she immediately responded with, "when are you bringing them over?" Corbin cried almost the whole time for her and yet she was always so positive and told me not to worry.
The other two women were just as amazing. One offered to help even though she already had two extra kids and had mine twice already. The other was selling her house and had to gather up three sleeping children last minute to accommodate a showing.
What wonderful examples to me. They had every reason to tell me no, yet they didn't even hesitate to say yes. I strive to be like them.
My brothers and sisters, we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers. We are the Lord’s hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us. President Thomas S. Monson General Conference Oct. 2009
I needed those four women more than they will ever know. The Lord depended on them and they came through. It made me evaluate my own life. Was I listening to the promptings of helping others or was I ignoring them? Am I even getting promptings anymore or has the Lord given up on trying?
Most days I feel as though I'm barely surviving. I'm usually throwing a pity party for myself and not even thinking of others. My goal is to be more like these women and less like myself. Service is a little like sacrifice. If it doesn't put us out of our comfort to do it then what are we really learning from it?